Scrubs quotes

J.D.

I'm waiting for someone.

Door's broke. Every fifth time or so it don't open.

J.D.

Maybe there's a penny stuck in there.

[suspiciously] Why a penny?

J.D.

I don't know.

Did you stick a penny in there?

J.D.

No! I'm just making small talk...

If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down.

Why does this Gomer have to try and die every day during my lunch?

J.D.

That's a little insensitive.

J.D.

[narration] Mistake.

The man is 92 years old. He has full dementia. He doesn't even know we're here. He's inches away from Carla's rack and he hasn't even flinched.

Carla

Aww, that is so sweet.

Yeah, it is.

J.D.

What about his subconscious?

[whispers in the patient's ear] Eisenhower... was a sissy! [sarcastically jumps back into a defensive crouch, then resumes glaring at J.D.] I think, by the grace of God, we're gonna be OK. Oh, and from now on, whenever I'm in the room, you're definitely not allowed to talk.

Turk

Oh, come on, Carla, give me one good reason why you won't go out with me.

Carla

Well, you're a surgeon. So, you've got the god-complex, the cockiness, the whole "married to the job" thing. You're cute, but you're very, very aware of it. You have no idea what I'm like, so all of your feelings for me are coming from down there [points at his crotch]. But most of all, I'm looking for the real thing and you're nothing but a little boy who's not used to being told "no." So there's a bunch of reasons. Pick your favorite. [walks off]

J.D.

I'd go with the "god-complex"... but it's hard to choose, you know, they're all so good.

This is a strange resort, man. I mean, the wheelchair service is great, but that suite I rented, there was another person in it. And for some reason the bellhop gave me an enema.

J.D.

Yeah, he's new here.

Elliot

Dr. Cox.

I'm hoping, for your sake, there's another Dr. Cox sitting right behind me.

Elliot

I feel stupid, but, sending me to Kelso like that—well, I'm not sure, exactly, what you were trying to teach me.

The value - and this is important - of leaving me alone.

I want you to spread the word, missy. I've... had... enough. The next whiny intern that comes in here looking to me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aisha, I'm going to hurt them. And you, you neurotic one-woman freak-show, take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-ologist. Because if you are so stupid as to confront the Chief of Medicine over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just got to go ahead and replace the captain of your brainship, because he's drunk at the wheel!

Elliot

So, you're telling me I have to pick my battles. Thanks, Dr. Cox. [Walks off]

[confused] You're welcome.

Sweetie, I'm seventy-four years old, I'm ready to go.

J.D.

Yeah, but with dialysis, you could live another... eighty or ninety years!

I think you're being a little irrational.

J.D.

No I'm not.

Everybody dies sometime.

J.D.

No they don't.

She doesn't want dialysis? Well, if she declines dialysis, then there is no ethical dilemma.

J.D.

But what about our duty as doctors to do everything in our power to help--

(mock-crying) "But what about our duty as doctors?" (normal voice) Look, this has nothing to do with your patient. It's all about you. You are afraid of death, and you can't be. You're in medicine. You've gotta accept the fact that everything we do here- everything- is a stall. We're just trying to keep the game going, that's it. But ultimately, it always ends up the same way.

What in the name of Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret were you thinking?

Dr. Kelso

I'm very proud of you, Dr... uh...

J.D.

[narration] Just look at my badge!

Dr. Kelso

...Dr. Turk!

J.D.

Oh, that's my roommate's badge. We must have switched this morning...

Dr. Kelso

That's a great anecdote. You should write it down in your journal. Then your kids can read about it when you're dead!

J.D.

Your ex-wife. She's the answer.

Uhhh... Things that ruined my life. Things that took half my money? Things with sharp edges!

She was never boring.

J.D.

What happened?

Oh, you know... you marry someone who reminds you of your mother, and then you remember you hate your mother. You talked to her, didn't you?

J.D.

I don't think you realize how important you are to a lot of people around here.

J.D.

[narration] I'll always remember that moment as the first "thank you" I got from Dr. Cox.

Well, geez, Agnes, does the field hockey team know that you're missing?

J.D.

[narration] It felt good.

J.D.

So he has a cute butt. Everyone has a cute butt. I have a cute butt.

Carla

You should bring it in someday.

Elliot

You know I kinda had a date last night?

J.D.

Really?

Elliot

Yeah, a guy on the bus fell asleep on me and drooled on my shoulder.

J.D.

...You slut.