Denise Mahoney quotes from Scrubs

Denise

You know, it's ironic that cancer starts with "can", because at this stage there's nothing we can do about it.

J.D.

[To Denise] I need you to connect with your patients, okay? If they need some sympathy, dig down in your soul and find some.

Denise

Yo, Mr. Harris! Sucks you'll never walk again.

Hell yeah, it does!

Denise

Better, right?

J.D.

No, no, Jo. He... he lost his feet.

You can call me Sunny. My dad nicknamed me that because he said I brighten up a room. Of course, in college I had a few dark years. My car was stolen, I had three—was it three? No, four—I had four abortions.

I'm joking!

Denise

I'm gonna kill you with a hammer.

Denise

Why are you laughing?

Because I'm scared. I'm not that strong.

Turk

Derek, can you give Denise's patient a thoracentesis and get that fluid out of there?

Surgery to the rescue! [to Denise] You are welcome.

Denise

Awww, that's adorable: you have a crush on yourself. I'd be careful, the guy you're in love with is a douche.

Lucy

[After smelling the air] Kiwi!

Denise

What?

Lucy

I smell kiwi.

Denise

Yeah, it's my shampoo. I love kiwis, so what?

Lucy

Me too! Not really, they're hairy, they look like... monkey nuts.

Denise

Don't smell people; it's weird.

Lucy

I'd just like to thank you, on behalf of all of us, for getting us pizza. [voice-over] There: smelling incident fixed!

Denise

Yeah, they gave me money to do it. Along with free room and board to attend to your emotional needs. Speaking of which, little administrative thing. If you're going to kill yourself — lookin' at you, sad eyes — do it off-campus, because it is a butt-load of paperwork.

Lucy

Hmmm... I should find a new mentor. Maybe a woman.

Denise

Give me my chips, you dirty bitch!

Lucy

... or her.

Lucy

Dr. Mahoney, I was wondering... if I could shadow you.

Denise

This is not over, you filthy whore!

Denise

I'm sorry, white bread, I'm not really looking for a protegé slash suck-up.

Lucy

Dr. Mahoney, I am not sucking up! If I were sucking up, I would tell you how much I like your shoes... which I do, by the way! They're mannish, but flirty, like, "Hey boys, come and watch me build a deck."

Denise

I hope it was Drew. Then he'll get his butt thrown out of here.

Lucy

What did he do to you? [whispering] Did he smack you around?

Denise

Worse. He told me he loved me. Who does that? Don't you see? He's trying to get me to trust him so he can let me down.

Lucy

Crazy idea: you could just say "I love you" back.

Denise

Yeah, but then if it doesn't work out, I'll have to kill him, go to jail, break out, and kill you for giving me that advice.

Lucy

I love how our friendship is based predominately on threats.

Have you seen Drew Suffin? Med student, only about 900 years old?

Denise

Hey, you seen a med student? Thinks he's cooler than he is, kinda has a serial killer vibe?

Lucy

Ben! I am very upset with you! You tricked me, all sweet and warm on the outside... on the inside, evil and terrible!

Denise

Stop acting weird. I'm trying to eat lunch in front of a bunch of corpses.