Dr. Christopher Turk quotes from Scrubs

Turk

(to Carla) You will not turn Elliot into some flirtatious manipulator. I mean, don't get me wrong, outside the hospital, Elliot with her hair up is a slammin' hottie. But in here, she's an asexual mess. And that's the natural order of things. And you don't mess with the natural order!

Turk

[as a leprechaun] Top o' the mizzle to ya, me nizzles!

Turk

Dude, the only difference between a black girl and a white girl is that when a black girl asks you if her ass looks big, you say, "Hell yeah!"

Turk

[after defeating Carla in arm wrestling] DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET, CARLA?! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE WARRIOR?!

Turk

The O.R. room is a safe place. No one's going to yell "Recognize!" at you. Can I ask you a question? Why do white people ruin everything? I only got to say "fo' shizzle" for a week. A week!

Turk

Oh, come on, Carla, give me one good reason why you won't go out with me.

Carla

Well, you're a surgeon. So, you've got the god-complex, the cockiness, the whole "married to the job" thing. You're cute, but you're very, very aware of it. You have no idea what I'm like, so all of your feelings for me are coming from down there [points at his crotch]. But most of all, I'm looking for the real thing and you're nothing but a little boy who's not used to being told "no." So there's a bunch of reasons. Pick your favorite. [walks off]

J.D.

I'd go with the "god-complex"... but it's hard to choose, you know, they're all so good.

J.D.

[as Robin in a daydream] Holy inferiority complex, Batman! How low is my self esteem that I'm the sidekick in my own fantasy?

Turk

[as Batman] It could be worse, Robin. You could be Alfred the butler.

J.D.

[as Alfred] Damn you, sir.

Turk

So he was up all night with a high fever, cramping and crying.

J.D.

Dude.

Turk

Oh, my bad. Not crying. Punching the wall all manly and angry like. You know what I mean?

Turk

Okay, it's true, I have never said "I love you" to a woman before.

Todd

Well, then, how do you get them to sleep with you?

Turk

Okay, so you're having a little trouble asking out Kristen. There's no shame in it.

Whoa there, Curly, I got no problem asking a woman out. Watch this. [to a passing woman] Wanna have a drink sometime?

No.

Good. [to Turk] See? I'm fine over here.

Turk

Sir, what happened to Bunny? We gotta know.

Dr. Kelso

Well, actually, the music came before Bunny. I learned to play the guitar growing up as a young rapscallion in Mississippi, but things didn't really take off until I moved to Memphis. Then, I met the Colonel, and the hits just kept on comin'! Unfortunately, it went to my head. I gained a lot of weight, wore a white jumpsuit, and ate tranquilizers like they were trail mix.

Elliot

Sir...

Dr. Kelso

Then in 1977 I died on the toilet... or did I?

Turk

You never played the guitar, did you?

Dr. Kelso

Son, that crap is for hippies! Now for God's sake get back to work! [Once Elliot and Turk have left, in an Elvis Presley-like voice] Thank ya, thank ya very much.

The key to my exercise program is this one simple truth: I hate my body. You understand that the second you look in the mirror and you're happy with what you see, baby, you just lost the battle.

Turk

You should give speeches to teenage girls.

J.D.

[narration] Call it wishful thinking, but I couldn’t shake this feeling that this was nothing more than a very, very bad dream. [J.D. wakes up, and jumps when he sees Turk next to him.]

Turk

[In a seductive voice.] Good morning, Tiger.

J.D.

[narration] Of course, I’ve been wrong before. [aloud] How could you let a woman kick you out of your own bed?

Turk

Baby, why you gotta be so cranky in the morning?

J.D.

This is unacceptable. You said we were gonna sleep head to foot.

Turk

Dude, either way the naughty bits are still in the middle.

J.D.

Yeah, but with the head to foot alignment there's no way for them to [hits fists together] lock in.

Turk

Dude, could you be more homophobic?

J.D.

I'm not.

J.D.

Ready to go?

J.D.

Hey, so what attendings are stuck here on call tonight?

Turk

Everyone’s at that Kelso thing.

Elliot

I think Dr Cox is on.

Carla

No, he went home, but he said that Carol could cover for him.

Turk

Is Carol the one with the really firm butt?

J.D.

Well, I’m Carol, so yes.

Elliot

It’s disturbing how obsessed you are with your own butt.

J.D.

Come on, you guys are missing the point. No one is here tonight but us. We are running this hospital.

Turk

This is our house!

Elliot

We’re in charge!

J.D.

I love my butt!

Turk

Dr. Kelso, how can you make love to your wife if she's at fat camp?

Dr. Kelso

The question is, how can I make love to her if she's not at fat camp?