Jordan quotes from Scrubs

Jordan

[to Elliot] Don't tell anyone I'm nice.

Jordan, you're a big girl. When you got divorced you put people in the awkward position of having to choose between you and Perry.

Jordan

You're my brother!

Well, admittedly that made it hard—ooh, here's a good one. [holds up a snapshot he just took of Jordan] "Me so cranky! Rrr."

Jordan

Carla, my ex-husband is in love with you. It's true. Ask your boyfriend, he knows; he and Perry talk about it all the time. I don't know why you haven't mentioned this to her! Perhaps you're afraid of something? Huh. And Bob? When are you gonna tell Perry that that promotion you're making him jump through hoops for, was filled months ago! It just seems wrong. Which brings us to Twinkie. If you don't have the courage to tell your 'colleague' Dr. Dorian that you're still crazy about him, I'm gonna go ahead and do it for ya, 'cause that's what friends do. Yeah! And finally, Perry, you are not gonna believe what happened the first time I met your little protégé, here...

J.D.

[thinking] Oh, please God, no.

Jordan

I slept with him... and it was good - oh! How's that for stirring things up? Have a great summer, everyone. Bye!

Jordan

Hello, Perry.

J.D.

[Narration.] Oh, God, the ex-wife.

Jordan. What a coincidence. You were in my dream last night. I can’t say for certain, but I was having the flesh torn from my bones by a cross-eyed water snake. You, right?

Jordan

Yes.

Right?

Jordan

Yeah.

Right?

Jordan

Mmm hmm. [Laughs.] Say, let’s play a game. I’ll throw out an adjective describing how one of you is in bed, and you guys try to guess who it is.

J.D.

Remember, I had no idea she was your ex at the time.

Jordan

OK, clumsy.

Don’t answer that, Newbie.

J.D.

No worries. [Leans on a trolley, and falls over.]

Goodbye, Jordan. Sandy. [Kicks J.D. as he steps over him.]

J.D.

Ow.

Jordan

Good job, D.J.

J.D.

You know it's J.D.! You know, at least I remember the names of all my sexual partners!

Jordan

Well, I'm sure that girl from high school and your bunkmate from Camp Morningwood are both extremely grateful. Yeah. [Walks off.]

J.D.

[Quietly.] Camp Meadow Wood. I made a lanyard.

You know, Jordan, I have to tell you: despite how crazy-hormonal you are, there is something about a pregnant woman that's almost spiritual.

Jordan

Really?

Honestly you—

Jordan

Mm-hmm.

—you have never looked so beautiful.

Jordan

It's the giant boobs, isn't it.

Well, have you seen them lately?

J.D.

I've seen bigger. [To Nurse Roberts] Not on you. Although, kudos!

Mm-hmm!

Jordan

I'm going home.

No, no you're not-

Jordan

Bye-bye!

Jordan, your water just broke.

Jordan

This kid's annoying me already.

Jordan

I'm having second thoughts about our giant nanny. She's lovely and all, but every time the fridge is empty, she looks at our son like he's a plate of ribs.

Well, you shoulda let me hire the really skinny model. At least if she ate Jack, she'd throw him up right after.

Danni

What are you doing here?

I called him. Lookit, after shooting my mouth off the other night I've been feeling a lot of... well...

Jordan

Guilt.

No, not that.

J.D.

Guilt?

Yes, that.

I... I don't like her to be right.

Jordan

[kisses Cox] Hurry home tonight so you can ignore your son and not do your share.

[laughs weakly] You make me want to kill myself and everybody around me!

Jordan

Great, we made him cry. If we keep this up, we are gonna scar him for life!

I don't necessarily buy into all that New Age-y crap. I once saw my mom knock my dad unconscious with a frying pan. You know what I did? Kept right on going with my birthday party!

Carla

Ever since I was a little girl, I had this fairytale idea about the perfect wedding. And, oh yeah, I always ended up married.

Marriage is overrated. Jordan and I aren't married, and we're getting along great.

Jordan

Per, is making out with a stranger cheating?

Technically, not if it's under 10 seconds, dear.

Jordan

Eh, not worth it!

Elliot

I have been kicking ass lately, but this place is such a boys' club, I still can't even get x-rays or lab tests back on time.

Carla

Hey, Elliot, if you're desperate to get things done, you could always do what Jordan does.

Jordan

(to the security guard) Could you move my car out of the sun? If the seat gets too hot, my thighs get all pink and sweaty.

Jordan

Yeah. Bye-bye, security guard.

Elliot

Hm. Very classy.

Jordan

Don't judge me, stick. You do what you have to do to level the playing field.

Elliot

Well, Carla and I would never behave that way.

Carla

(holding a plate of chocolate cake) Thank you.

Elliot

How'd you get chocolate cake? He said they didn't have any!

Carla

Oh. I just did like this (thrusts her cleavage) and said, "Got cake?"

Elliot

Okay, so I tried to get some x-rays back from the lab tech by making a kissy face, and he asked me if I had palsy!

Jordan

Elliot, if you want to get ahead, you have to use what God gave ya!

Carla

Or in your case, what Dr. Fineberg gave you.

Jordan

Exactly!

Well?

Jordan

It's blue. I'm not pregnant.

Ohh.

Jordan

You know what's weird? I'm relieved, I just feel... kinda sad, because I think about how beautiful our son is and I... kinda wish it had gone the other way, you know? [She notices Cox is no longer there.] Sweetie?

SHE'S NOT PREGNANT! IT CAME OUT BLUE! IT'S BLUE! SHE'S NOT PREGNANT! IT'S BLUE! IT CAME OUT BLUE!

Jordan, your only skill is illegal in 26 states.

Jordan

It's 27. Arkansas buckled.