Laverne quotes from Scrubs

Elliot

Dr Cox! I got the Kayexalate and I pulled all the X-rays you asked for, so I am yours for the night, do whatever you want with me. [Cox makes a face.] Oh, my God, um, that totally came out wrong. I just, I meant that I want you to use me and I don’t care how degrading it is.

What?

Elliot

No, no. No. It’s just that, I know that you like torturing people and I am totally up for that. [Cox looks at her.] I just wanna make you happy.

Laverne

Marshmallow, hush.

J.D.

I decided to take Jamie out on a date.

Carla

Who?

Turk

You know, Tasty Coma Wife?

Elliot

No way!

Nice job there, Hooch. I tell you what: You give me some prep time, and I'll rig it so the husband can come with you. Honest to God, I'll have him sitting right next to you. Whaddaya say?

I'm free, and I love Italian.

J.D.

You be quiet!

Carla

I can't believe you, Bambi!

Turk

She's so right, man.

Elliot

What are you thinking?

Oh, Rin Tin Tin Tin Tin...

J.D.

SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP AND SHUT UP, OK?! Who are you people to give me advice about anything?! All you do is just bitch about your relationships all day long! [to Dr. Cox] And you know what, glare all you want, big dog, okay? 'Cause I'm not afraid of you. [mimicking Cox] "Oh no! Jordan's only paying attention to the baby!" That must be so hard for "Dr. Look-At-Me", isn't it? "LOOK AT ME!" [to Turk and Carla] And you two? What, you're arguing since you got engaged? Wow, you're probably the first couple that's ever done that ever. It can't be that you're just scared, is it? [to Elliot] And you! Y-you know what, let's just — let's just forget for one second, that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because, for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. [to everyone] Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort, you guys, is that while I'm sitting at home, staring at the ceiling, just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are!

Laverne

Did I miss something good?

[referring to a broken computer] Why have we never fixed or replaced this monstrosity?

Laverne

You know the deal around here: if it barely works, it's not gonna get replaced.

Well, I guess that explains why your ass is still on the payroll, huh? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Somebody stop me!

J.D.

She’s not moving in permanently, she’s just crashing for a while.

Laverne

Mmm hmmm.

About a year ago, Jordan said she wanted to crash for a while. Now my office is a nursery, my closet is my office, my clothes are in the entertainment centre and my TV is in the john, which I guess is kind of nice, I don’t even know anymore.

That was a coincidence.

Laverne

What?

That knife! It just happened to go in the exact right spot. You do not get a "win" for dumb luck!

Laverne

Look. If that's the way you choose to see the world, then so be it. But don't you dare try to take this away from me. I've been coming in here every day for 24 years, watching children die and seeing good people suffer. And if I quit believing that there was a bigger plan behind all this? Well, I just wouldn't be able to show up tomorrow. So just stop it!

I'm sorry.

Laverne

It's okay. You'd be surprised, how many bad things happen around here for a reason.

I wish I could believe that.