Lucy Bennett quotes from Scrubs

Lucy

[narration] Anyway, my friend Ben was going to propel our group to the top of the class. I'm so moved, I just want to put those feelings into words. [out loud] Dr. Turk, I can't wait to slice up this old bastard's ticker!

Lucy

[After smelling the air] Kiwi!

Denise

What?

Lucy

I smell kiwi.

Denise

Yeah, it's my shampoo. I love kiwis, so what?

Lucy

Me too! Not really, they're hairy, they look like... monkey nuts.

Denise

Don't smell people; it's weird.

Lucy

I'd just like to thank you, on behalf of all of us, for getting us pizza. [voice-over] There: smelling incident fixed!

Denise

Yeah, they gave me money to do it. Along with free room and board to attend to your emotional needs. Speaking of which, little administrative thing. If you're going to kill yourself — lookin' at you, sad eyes — do it off-campus, because it is a butt-load of paperwork.

Lucy

Great class, Doctor D! Even better than the one you did with interpretive dance.

J.D.

Thanks, Lucy. I like to call it "teacher-tainment". Now, be a doll and go give Dr. Turk a message ASAP. Tell him Dr. Dorian is stuck in the tree again, but this time there are many bees. Hurry, Lucy, I have honey hair!

Lucy

I thought being a doctor was about helping people.

J.D.

It is, Lucy. Well, that and showing up my third grade teacher, who said I'd never amount to anything. Eat it, Mrs. Nickerson! [voiceover] And rest in peace.

Lucy

Hmmm... I should find a new mentor. Maybe a woman.

Denise

Give me my chips, you dirty bitch!

Lucy

... or her.

Lucy

Dr. Mahoney, I was wondering... if I could shadow you.

Denise

This is not over, you filthy whore!

Denise

I'm sorry, white bread, I'm not really looking for a protegé slash suck-up.

Lucy

Dr. Mahoney, I am not sucking up! If I were sucking up, I would tell you how much I like your shoes... which I do, by the way! They're mannish, but flirty, like, "Hey boys, come and watch me build a deck."

Lucy

Doctor D, I can't believe you're leaving us! You're, like, the best teacher ever!

J.D.

Ah, Lucy, but you'll always carry a piece of me with you. I'll be here [touches her head] and I'll be here [touches her stomach].

Lucy

In my stomach?

J.D.

I would have touched your heart, but I did that once to another female student, and it resulted in having to watch a four-hour video called "Boundaries".

Lucy

I don't know why I'm not getting this.

J.D.

I used to have a problem with the same thing. But then I realized that you just have to pretend that the needle is your friend. Be careful, though: I told that to a medical student once, and he became a heroin addict.

Lucy

[to Elliot] Morning, sunshine! You look rested! Oh, and making time for the paper, that must be nice. [drops the act] Later, you munch!

Elliot

Did she just call me a butt-munch?

Drew

Well, she didn't use the word "butt", though I can't think of any other prominent kind of munch, so... yeah, she called you a butt-munch. [cheerfully] I'm Drew, by the way!

Lucy

Hey, Drew... "You better recognize?"

Drew

Just something people used to say in the '90's.

Lucy

Cool people?

Drew

... no.

Cole

What did Drew say about me rejoining the study group?

Lucy

He said no.

Cole

Really? Did you remind him I'm one-eighteenth American Indian?

Lucy

Are you?

Cole

I don't know, but I always tell people that. It makes the white man feel guilty.

Cole

Your mom doesn't like me very much, does she?

Lucy

[nervously chewing her hair] She's crazy about you!

Cole

See? You're lying! Babe, I can read you like the back of a DVD case. You chew on your hair when you lie, you adjust your bra when you're about to yell at me, and you get this far-off look in your eye when you're narrating in your head.

Lucy

[narrating, while rolling her eyes upward] Even though Cole and I were clicking...

Cole

There it is!

Lucy

[adjusting her bra] Stop noticing things I do!

Denise

I hope it was Drew. Then he'll get his butt thrown out of here.

Lucy

What did he do to you? [whispering] Did he smack you around?

Denise

Worse. He told me he loved me. Who does that? Don't you see? He's trying to get me to trust him so he can let me down.

Lucy

Crazy idea: you could just say "I love you" back.

Denise

Yeah, but then if it doesn't work out, I'll have to kill him, go to jail, break out, and kill you for giving me that advice.

Lucy

I love how our friendship is based predominately on threats.

Lucy

OK, I'm sure Ben could be a jerk. But you have to admit he was a great bowler; I found a picture of him bowling a 310 on August 12, 1979.

So that's where he was on my seventh birthday.

Lucy

[voiceover] Aw, balls!