Dr. Kelso quotes from Scrubs

Dr. Kelso

Dr. Reid, this is not "Bring Your Problems To Work Day", this is just "Work Day".

Dr. Kelso

Ah, back when I was a resident I remember... blah, blah, blah, nostalgic story. Now get the hell out of my office!

Dr. Kelso

Perry, you just go right ahead and say what you want, cause Dr. Bob Kelso is back in action and he hasn't missed a step. Now, where do we keep the sick people?

Dr. Kelso

Nothing in this world, that's worth having comes easy

Dr. Kelso

Of course you had to break up with him. No one you love should ever sell your car without asking and then blow the money on meth.

Dr. Kelso

I'm very proud of you, Dr... uh...

J.D.

[narration] Just look at my badge!

Dr. Kelso

...Dr. Turk!

J.D.

Oh, that's my roommate's badge. We must have switched this morning...

Dr. Kelso

That's a great anecdote. You should write it down in your journal. Then your kids can read about it when you're dead!

Dr. Kelso

Doctor Cox, did you get my memo reminding all senior staff that lab coats must be worn at all times?

You know I did get it there, Bob, and at first I just threw it away, but then I decided that wasn't a grand enough gesture, so I made a replica of you out of straw and I put my lab coat on it with your memo in the pocket, and then I invited all the kids in the neighborhood to come over to light it on fire and whack it with sticks.

Turk

Sir, what happened to Bunny? We gotta know.

Dr. Kelso

Well, actually, the music came before Bunny. I learned to play the guitar growing up as a young rapscallion in Mississippi, but things didn't really take off until I moved to Memphis. Then, I met the Colonel, and the hits just kept on comin'! Unfortunately, it went to my head. I gained a lot of weight, wore a white jumpsuit, and ate tranquilizers like they were trail mix.

Elliot

Sir...

Dr. Kelso

Then in 1977 I died on the toilet... or did I?

Turk

You never played the guitar, did you?

Dr. Kelso

Son, that crap is for hippies! Now for God's sake get back to work! [Once Elliot and Turk have left, in an Elvis Presley-like voice] Thank ya, thank ya very much.

Turk

Dr. Kelso, how can you make love to your wife if she's at fat camp?

Dr. Kelso

The question is, how can I make love to her if she's not at fat camp?

J.D.

Hey, Dr. Cox! You’ll be happy to know that I did everything for my patient, that you did for yours.

Oh, my God, I care so little, I almost passed out.

Dr. Kelso

Hey, Ace, your TTP patient coded. I pronounced him.

J.D.

He died?

Dr. Kelso

I certainly hope so. Otherwise that autopsy is gonna be a bitch!

J.D.

You know, sir, Dr. Townshend here was telling me you have some great old stories about the hospital. I’d love to hear one sometime.

Dr. Kelso

Well, what the hell? Back in 68... I don’t like you. The end. [Walks off.]

He tells that one a lot.

J.D.

I know.

Dr. Kelso

I think Mr. Singer's going to be just fine.

Oh, geez, Bob! Don't creep up on me like that! I almost dropped some fruit in my loops!

Dr. Kelso

I'm sorry, buddy. Say, listen, uh...nowadays it has become kind of hospital protocol to do modified Seldinger in a case like this. You do know how to do one of those, don't you?

'Course!

Dr. Kelso

Good. Because the patient in bed number two needs one. You mind doing it for me?

What the hell's this all about?

Dr. Kelso

Nothing! I was, uh, just looking over your files and, um... well, your osteoporotic patients aren't on Bisphosphonate; your diabetics aren't on ACE inhibitors. Doug, a lot of your treatments are pretty out of date.

Come on, Bob, I'm--guys like us, we're set in our ways.

Dr. Kelso

Well, this is not an age thing, Doug. Hell, these days if you've been out of med school five years, half of what you learned is obsolete. Why do you think I spend every other weekend at a seminar in some two-star hotel ballroom that still stinks of last night's prom vomit? I do it because I have to keep up.

Also, it gives you two days away from the missus, right? Once again, I am sorry I was the one who introduced you in the first place! [When Kelso doesn't laugh.] Look, Bob, I just...I don't have the energy for all that stuff.

Dr. Kelso

Well... then we got a problem.

Dr. Kelso

Perry! Hi. How are you, et cetera. The wife and I just took out a new insurance policy and I need a physical.

Bob, the day I willingly cradle your dusty old twig and berries and get a whiff of your chronic halitosis while you turn your head and cough, is the day you can look for me up on the roof singing "I Believe I Can Fly."

Dr. Kelso

Great stuff. See you about two-ish.

Dr. Kelso

Well, don't worry about it, son, those things are a dime a dozen.

Really?

Dr. Kelso

In fact, if you get bored, why don't you just hijack an ice cream truck and drive it through our brand new pathology lab? But do me a favor and spare the paper shredder, because I'll need that to turn your next twelve paychecks into a clown wig you can wear for the rest of your internship!

Ted

Sir, I think I know how my problem concerns a loved one.

Kelso

Go on.

Ted

It concerns me...?

Kelso

Swing and a miss.