The Todd quotes from Scrubs

The Todd

Oh, Miss Pacman, I would sex that bow right off your head. Oh, eat those dots, you naughty girl!

Turk

Okay, it's true, I have never said "I love you" to a woman before.

Todd

Well, then, how do you get them to sleep with you?

Okay, look, attention roof-poopers! Setting aside, for a moment, the fact that I'm going to make sure that you all live to regret this day, let's keep the magic rolling. Let's not tell anyone else that there's a toilet on the roof— [the Todd walks in] There is not a toilet on the roof!

Todd

But you just said there was!

No—yes, I did, but I was using a metaphor... ah, that means God is watching us. You've heard this... There's a "Toilet" on the "Roof". Right, people?

Elliot

I can't find that girl's little pink doggie anywhere.

Todd

I got a pink doggie for you, but it's not little!

Elliot

Todd, if you show me your penis, I'm going to take it away from you.

Turk

Remember my first year, Mr. Quinn?

Elliot

Mrs. Kahn, my second year.

Mr. Studabaker, forty minutes into my first day.

Kelso

I've been a doctor for thirty years. What do you think?

On my third day there was Mr. Kirschner.

Todd

Jenny Roth about eight weeks ago. It was really tough, because she was hot.

Then later that third day... [his beeper goes off] Oh boy, that can't be good.

No, newbie, I've not killed. But I happen to be, as always, the exception that proves the rule. So right about now you gotta be asking yourself: do you think you're that good?

Jordan

You know, one of the reasons I divorced Perry was because of his last name.

Elliot

You don't like Cox?

Jordan

Actually, I love Cox.

The Todd

[walks up, knocks on table] Greatest conversation ever.

Jordan

See, that's the problem.

[offscreen] This sausage is huge!

The Todd

Excuse me ladies, I'm needed elsewhere.

Carla

I'm having a weird pregnancy craving. Hey, J.D., if you go out, would you get me a hot Italian sausage?

The Todd

I've got a hot Italian sausage for you, right here!

The Todd

People think I just walk into these situations, but it's really a lot of hard work. You know what else is hard? ...I should go.

J.D.

I think I may vomit.

Turk

How do you know sign language?

Well, when I was in high school I was a volunteer janitor at the Hoboken Zoo. And one night I was out plucking peacock feathers to sell for pens when I noticed Gary the gorilla making the sign for food. I gave him my danish. He gave the sign for "thank you". Those were the only two signs that Gary knew. Except for boobs. He liked 'em big and hairy.

The Todd

Join the club, playa.

Get away.

The Todd

[shrugs] Okay. [leaves]

So, eventually Gary, I'm sorry to say, died of lung cancer. For that I blame myself, because I used to share my smokes with him. But he also piqued my interest in signing, and in his memory I took my first signing class.

J.D.

Is any of that true?

Someone would have to read it back to me.

J.D.

If Turk's mind is set on something, it can't be changed! I can't even imagine how I'd try.

The Todd

[voiceover] Oh, great. There he goes off into his fantasy world. Now I'm stuck here waiting until he snaps out of it with some weird comment.

J.D.

We'd have to find a whole lot of gnomes!

The Todd

That's helpful.

The Todd

Hey, guys. I hear there's a Steel Magnolia in room 309 that needs a little pruning.

Turk

Todd, she's 68 and has syphilis.

The Todd

The Todd accepts all applicants, regardless of age or disability.

Drew

I just needed a moment of peace and quiet. The other students will.. not.. stop asking me questions.

Oh, puh-leeze! I have a hospital full of incompetents hammering me with stupid questions every second of every day.

Todd

Dr. Cox, your patient in three is septic. Antibiotics or vasopressors?

Antibiotics at first.

Drew

That wasn't so dumb.

Wait for it.

Todd

Oh, did you get my request for scrubs that hug a little closer to my wham-bam?

Thank you, Todd, for being the example to a point you don't understand.

Todd

You're welcome.