Dan quotes from Scrubs

Dan

So, you slept with my little brother. If he tries hard, but there's room for improvement, take a sip.

J.D.

Elliot!

Elliot

What? I was thirsty.

J.D.

Well, ok, ask me if she could be better. [drains glass] What? Thirsty!

Elliot

[aside to Dan] I wasn't thirsty.

Dan

[Objecting to Dr. Cox's harsh treatment of a patient] Dude, these are living breathing people we're talking about here-

I'm sorry, Dan, what do you do?

Dan

I tend bar.

Well, how about you let me worry about the way we do things around here, but if I ever do need advice on how to make a top notch rum and Coke, well then by gum mister you had better be by the phone cause I just might give you a jingle. [mimes talking on a phone] "Bah-rrring! Hello, Dan? Cox-a-roonie. Regarding the rum and Coke issue. Couldn't be more confused."

J.D.

Look, Dan. I want to apologize for everything I said. For what it's worth, I really like having you around.

Dan

No, you don't.

J.D.

I know. I have dreams where I staple your fingers to your face.

Dan

Hey, Dr. Cox.

Oh, here I'd been told you left. It made me happy.

Dan

You don't like me. People don't like me! You know why? I'm a screw-up. Always have been. Ever since we were kids, my mom always made me walk Johnny to school first day every year, and every year, I'd walk him to the wrong school, just 'cause.

Boy, that's a great story. Really. And I'm sure you're just a horrible big brother...

Dan

Well...

But I'm afraid you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap. And it's okay, you don't need to be embarrassed. Turns out it happens all the time. For instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his deathbed.

Dan

Hey, listen, Dr. Cox, no offense, I'm a big fan of the tough guy act, but let me tell you what I really think. I think you LOVE the fact that these kids idolize you. Johnny does! Johnny was always the one in the family we KNEW was going someplace. Sweet kid. Smart kid. Becoming a doctor? This is ALL he ever wanted, and yet, somehow, you've found a way to beat that out of him, haven't you? Turn him into some kind of cynical guy who seems to despise what he does. Dr. Cox, Johnny's never gonna look up to me. Ever. But he hangs on your every word. So I'm askin' - I'm tellin' you: take that responsibility seriously, stop being such a hard-ass. Otherwise, you're gonna have to answer to me.

J.D.

[narrating] Love can give you strength you never knew you had.

Dan

[holds out his hand to Cox] It's good seeing you, Dr. Cox.

[takes Dan's hand and shakes it] Good to see you, Dan. All the best.

J.D.

What happened?

Dan

What, a guy can't take three days off work, travel 800 miles on a bus with a double-layer fudge cake just to say "hey, how are things?"

J.D.

Dan.

Dan

...Dad died.

J.D.

...There's ice cream in the fridge.

Let's break down the kid's support system, shall we? He's got me, an emotionally crippled narcissist, and he's got you, an emotionally crippled narcissist who is soaking in a tub of what by now has to be mostly your own urine.

Dan

I believe the ratio has shifted that way, yes.

And I have got to believe that the two of us, together—together, Dan—we can make it at least half-way to one legitimate adult.