Dr. Elliot Reid quotes from Scrubs

Elliot

Yeah, I'm not that great with kids. They've got such tiny hands. It's creepy.

Elliot

How is it that no man understands that every woman, whether she's sixteen or sixty, still has that awkward, insecure, self-conscious teenage girl inside of her?

Elliot

I haven't sung since the sixth grade talent show when I sang Pat Benatar's "Hell Is For Children". Then at the end, Mr. Shaman the emcee said "No, hell is for everyone who heard you sing that song." My mom was so mad at him that she slept with him and ruined his marriage.

Elliot

Dr. Cox.

I'm hoping, for your sake, there's another Dr. Cox sitting right behind me.

Elliot

I feel stupid, but, sending me to Kelso like that—well, I'm not sure, exactly, what you were trying to teach me.

The value - and this is important - of leaving me alone.

I want you to spread the word, missy. I've... had... enough. The next whiny intern that comes in here looking to me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aisha, I'm going to hurt them. And you, you neurotic one-woman freak-show, take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-ologist. Because if you are so stupid as to confront the Chief of Medicine over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just got to go ahead and replace the captain of your brainship, because he's drunk at the wheel!

Elliot

So, you're telling me I have to pick my battles. Thanks, Dr. Cox. [Walks off]

[confused] You're welcome.

Elliot

You know I kinda had a date last night?

J.D.

Really?

Elliot

Yeah, a guy on the bus fell asleep on me and drooled on my shoulder.

J.D.

...You slut.

Elliot

Dr Cox! I got the Kayexalate and I pulled all the X-rays you asked for, so I am yours for the night, do whatever you want with me. [Cox makes a face.] Oh, my God, um, that totally came out wrong. I just, I meant that I want you to use me and I don’t care how degrading it is.

What?

Elliot

No, no. No. It’s just that, I know that you like torturing people and I am totally up for that. [Cox looks at her.] I just wanna make you happy.

Laverne

Marshmallow, hush.

Elliot

Listen, Carla, I can't even pretend that I can give you tips on intercourse...

Carla

I got one for you: stop calling it that.

Elliot

My therapist thinks my trouble in bed stems from a basic fear of intimacy. But I just think it's just because any type of repetitive motion makes me nauseous. Oh, and since I was a little kid, I've always had nightmares about being crushed.

Carla

That poor shrink.

Lookit, Newbie: Just because you have a new girlfriend doesn't mean that the world has suddenly turned in to a giant green M&M. The Red Sox still suck, they do; Barbie, here, still can't decide what to do with those annoying bangs....

[continuing] ...And addicts everywhere will still lie, cheat, and steal just to get a fix.

[affecting a womanly voice] ...Now, you've got to wake up, sweetheart, you're gonna be late for school— Aw, you wet the bed! Why can't I have a normal child without these problems?! [leaves]

Elliot

My mom says they frame my face.

J.D.

They don't.

Turk

Sir, what happened to Bunny? We gotta know.

Dr. Kelso

Well, actually, the music came before Bunny. I learned to play the guitar growing up as a young rapscallion in Mississippi, but things didn't really take off until I moved to Memphis. Then, I met the Colonel, and the hits just kept on comin'! Unfortunately, it went to my head. I gained a lot of weight, wore a white jumpsuit, and ate tranquilizers like they were trail mix.

Elliot

Sir...

Dr. Kelso

Then in 1977 I died on the toilet... or did I?

Turk

You never played the guitar, did you?

Dr. Kelso

Son, that crap is for hippies! Now for God's sake get back to work! [Once Elliot and Turk have left, in an Elvis Presley-like voice] Thank ya, thank ya very much.

J.D.

Hey, so what attendings are stuck here on call tonight?

Turk

Everyone’s at that Kelso thing.

Elliot

I think Dr Cox is on.

Carla

No, he went home, but he said that Carol could cover for him.

Turk

Is Carol the one with the really firm butt?

J.D.

Well, I’m Carol, so yes.

Elliot

It’s disturbing how obsessed you are with your own butt.

J.D.

Come on, you guys are missing the point. No one is here tonight but us. We are running this hospital.

Turk

This is our house!

Elliot

We’re in charge!

J.D.

I love my butt!

Dan

So, you slept with my little brother. If he tries hard, but there's room for improvement, take a sip.

J.D.

Elliot!

Elliot

What? I was thirsty.

J.D.

Well, ok, ask me if she could be better. [drains glass] What? Thirsty!

Elliot

[aside to Dan] I wasn't thirsty.

Elliot

[to a patient who's suing her] I know what your problem is; you blame your problems on everyone else. Well, you know what? If your job isn't challenging, you should get another career. If you have trouble with relationships, maybe it's because you have problems with commitment. I know, because I'm the same way; I blame my parents for spoiling me, I blame this place for taking up all my time... Well, no more. I'm going to grow up and start holding myself accountable.

Good for you.

Elliot

You're still suing me, aren't you?

Yes, but now I feel like you can handle it.

J.D.

[voiceover] And then she said something every man is dying to hear...

Elliot

We can be sex buddies...

J.D.

[hears fanfare] I mean... if you want.

Elliot

Of course I'm holding back, I'm insane, you idiot! Remember the other day when you told me I had pit stains? Well, I have cried every 15 minutes on the half hour since you told me that. I am racked with self-doubt, I have panic attacks, I'm claustrophobic, germaphobic, phobia phobic, I talk to myself, I talk to my cats, I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that often my cats respond to me in my mother's voice and yesterday, when that stupid pretty surgical nurse handed you a pair of latex gloves, I almost killed the guy whose leg I was stitching up because I couldn't stop thinking about the two of you having sex on a box of steaks! Why a box of steaks? Cause my dad had an affair with a female butcher! And as I mentioned before, I am insane. There, I opened up, are you happy?

[deadpan] No. I am incredibly turned on.