Ted quotes from Scrubs

Ted

[About Heather] I'd let her give me a bath. I don't care if my mom was watching.

Ted

I'm going to say something to you that's been said to me by every person I've ever loved: I'm really disappointed in you. You are pathetic and weak and I don't love you any more, GET OUT!

Ted

Chicks, huh. They're all soft and cuddly but you never get to be with one.

Ted

I'm really not what you would call a winner. Oh sure, I'm a lawyer. But that's only because I took the bar exam in Alaska and they only have like four laws, and most of them are about when you can, and cannot, kill... seals.

J.D.

A patient's blaming me for losing his sense of smell.

Ted

Oh my God, you cut off someone's nose?! Where is it? Do you have it on you? You're disgusting.

J.D.

No, I just gave him IV imipenem.

Ted

Kelso’s gonna blame me. Just get rid of the nose.

J.D.

Ted, I don't have the nose. Maybe you should just calm down—

Ted

MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALM DOWN!!

J.D.

My bad.

Ted

Sir, I think I know how my problem concerns a loved one.

Kelso

Go on.

Ted

It concerns me...?

Kelso

Swing and a miss.

Ted

Did you hear the lottery's up to $100,000,000? If I win, it's going to be separate beds for me and my mom!

Carla

And you could spend the other $99,999,000 on therapy.

Dr. Kelso

My name is Bob Kelso, and I like whores. [pauses while the group stares] Now, why don't I introduce myself like that? Because there is a time and a place for the truth. Take Dorian's intern Brendan, for example. He told his patient that it was the first time he was performing a spinal tap. And what did the patient do, doctor?

J.D.

Well, uh, she started to hyperventilate, and then she reached for a hit of what she thought was an oxygen tank. It turned out to be a helium container from pediatrics. Then she screamed [in a high falsetto] "I'll kill you bitches!", which, frankly, we all thought was hilarious.

Dr. Kelso

Oh, indeed it was. But you know what wasn't? When she ran for the door, tripped and fell, and broke her femur. Now she's suing the hospital. And since Ted is our lawyer, what's going to happen?

Ted

Girlfriend's gonna get paid.

Dr. Kelso

What are you thinking, Ted?

Ted

[voiceover] I could jam this [knife] through the soft spot on his temple, then slit my wrists with it before anyone got in to stop me... [to Kelso] The usual, sir.

Dr. Kelso

Well, you'd never do it; you don't have the guts.

Carla

If it's okay with you, we'll take that raise now.

Dr. Kelso

Okay, but in this little fantasy of yours, can I not have prostate problems any more? I can't sleep more than 40 minutes without needing to take a whiz...

Carla

Unfortunately for you, someone left this invoice for the hospital needles on my desk. And they're really undercharging you! So, either you shell out the extra 20 grand a month for our raises, or we call the needle company and it'll cost you twice that.

Dr. Kelso

[angrily] Ted, are you responsible for this?

Ted

[expressionless] Please, sir. I don't have the guts. [voiceover, deliriously happy] Oh yeah! Suck it bitch! I will murder you!

Turk

Look Jen, if you need any legal help concerning your accident, you can talk to Jim, who is a very successful bulldog of a lawyer, or you can talk to Ted, who, well—

Ted

My mom calls me Thunder.

I'm going to go with the less shiny one.

Tough break there, Thunder.

Ted

YOU'RE NOT MY MOM, JIM!!! YOU'RE NOT MY MOM!!!

Ted

[seeing Turk and J.D. hug] I need one of those.

J.D.

A hug?

Ted

No, a black friend. I think it would make me much cooler.

Turk

I should be offended, but he's right.

J.D.

[watching the Janitor and Ted argue] Those two should have their own sitcom. [fantasizes about the sitcom's opening sequence]

Ted

I'm a lawyer!

I'm a janitor!

Together we adopted a cute little kid. We're Legal Custodians! [jingle] Get it?

J.D.

[to Sam] I'd watch that show; would you?

Hey, how come all you have in here is a smiley face button and a revolver?

Ted

Well, one's in case I get sad, and the other one's in case I get really sad...

Well, see you tomorrow.

Ted

We'll see...

J.D.

[voiceover] Ted finally said what we were all thinking.

Ted

[to Kelso] Why are you spending your retirement hanging around the place you used to work? It's so sad. By comparison, it almost makes my life seem... [pause] Aw! Still sad!

Jordan

[to Ted] Hey, sweat-stain, how's it going your girlfriend now that you guys are roomies?

Ted

Oh, we're having sex like all the time.

Ted

Why do people react like that when they picture me having sex?

Dr. Kelso

You try it!

Ted

[thinks, makes a horrified face] OH GOD!

Dr. Kelso

Not a pretty sight, is it?