Simmons quotes from Red vs Blue

Yeah: you guys suck!

Ready, aim...

Killed by our own men, couldn't see this coming.

Yeah, what?

Sarge

What in hell are you two doing?

We're being executed by our own men, sir.

Sarge

Well cut it out, I need you guys to come with me. Command has a secret mission for us.

Who the hell is this guy?

Sarge

Ahh, what is this? Insubordination? Hi-yah! [Smashes the soldier in the face] Come on you two, let's get a move on. Where's your commanding officer?

He's right there. [Motions toward Grif]

Sarge

Where? Behind Grif?

Sergeant Grif is our CO, sir.

Sarge

Your Sergeant has the same name as Grif? That's a disturbing coincidence.

No no, listen to me. Grif is our commander, he was promoted to Sergeant when you refused to relocate with us.

Sarge

But who's in charge?

Sergeant Grif!

Sarge

Okay, see, I hear you saying words, but it's like they don't match up in a way that makes sense... Did you have a stroke?

Grif is a Sergeant! He's the same rank as you now!

Sarge

That's what I'm talking about, where is he?

He's right there! [Motions toward Grif again]

Sarge

...So, he's invisible?

Dude, I don't think he's physically capable of understanding what you're telling him.

Does this mean we get a new Sergeant now? Awesome, cause this one sucks!

Sarge

Yah! Never talk that way about a superior!

Did Sarge just call me superior? I heard it! Simmons is a witness.

I don't even want to get involved...

Sarge

What the hell's goin on in this base?! Insubordination! Invisible Sergeants!

Ok, how about this? Donut gets to shoot you in exchange for you getting to say what you need to say.

Five minutes of talking, for one shot. Where do you want it, Blue? The shoulder or the foot?

Well, obviously I would pick the foot, but I don't want you guys to shoot me in-

Deal. (Fires his pistol)

OW! Son of a bitch!

Okay, your five minutes have started. Go.

Mwhahaha!! Blarg blarg honk, haha!

Mwhaha! Blarg honk, you say? hmm haha fools.

Sarge

Blargity blarg... Ya honkbag.

Honk honk blarg blarg. Honkhonkblargblarg. Honk-honky blarg?

Sarge

Blarg. And also, honk. Are these really my lines? This is ridiculous! Who wrote this?!

Line...

Sarge

Enough blargin, when do I get to beat up Grif? He's got a honking coming to him!

Whats the motivation here? Is there like, a boss alien whose ass I should be kissing? Honk honk blarg, sir!

Hey Simmons. Is it just me, or do you have your head halfway up Sarge's blonk?

Hey, guys! Honk honk blarg blarg. Honk blarg blarg, blarg honk!

This is stupid. This character has less lines than I do.

Blargever, dude.

What am I talking about?

I'm an alien.

Well, what do the alien chicks look like?

I AM AN ALIEN!

Do they like to honk?

(not pausing) I'm an alien, I'm an alien, I'm an alien, I'm an alien.

Honk honk, blarg blarg, goddammit, honk.

[As a Wraith tank] Honk honk. Firing main blarg

[Fires sniper rifle] See? I'm telling you, there is something wrong with this honking thing. It doesn't work as an alien or as a person.

(after a long pause) ...El honk.

Hey reds, you honk! Blue blargs!

Who wants to see my honk honk? Go on, give it a blarg!

Shut the blarg up!!!

Now that I'm thinking about it, maybe it's better that Church isn't here this year.

Yeah, Christmas is the one day of year you should never miss Church.

Ah, forget it, douchebags! You'll all still getting lumps of smoal.

Ah, crap.

Sarge

Simmons, have you seen Grif?

No sir, not recently.

Sarge

Son of a -! He was gonna wash the Warthog before I went on mah trip!

I don't know what to tell you, Sir.

(In a suitcase) Yes! This is the perfect plan!

Sarge

Ah well... Did you finish packin' for me?

Yup. Got your suitcase right here Sir.

D'oh!

Sarge

Great. Then I guess I'm all set to attend the annual suitcase demolishing conference.

The what? That doesn't even sound real!

Have fun Sir.

Sarge

Where're you going Simmons?

To an XBox 360 launch party.

Sarge

XBox 360? How did I miss versions two through three hundred fifty nine? I need to pay better attention.

Technology moves pretty fast Sir.

Sarge

Come on, Grif- I mean suitcase. Heh heh heh.

For this last bit, the part of the bottle rocket will be played by Sheila. Enjoy.

Hey Donut, want to see my awesome bottle rocket?

Totally! Just remember, don't point it directly at me! Okay?

Okay, and I promise I won't forget whatever it is that you just said.

I forgoooot!

Okay, aaaand end scene. Well, I hope you've all learned a lot about fireworks, and maybe even a little bit about yourselves. (hissing of grenade)

Oopsie.

Uh-oh.

Running time!

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention the most important safety tip. If you have small children around, or even very very stupid adults, never ever let them play with fireworks without proper supervision.... Hey, what's that hissing noise?

CABOOSE!!!

Simmons did it!

What are you talking about? I wasn't even in this video!

Happy fireworks day everybody!

Gas prices are so high right now that some people are having to cut back on basic necessities just to afford to drive to work.

Not me. I just quit going to work.

Sarge

Everyone knows that gasoline comes from dinosaurs, and if we're running out of gas, the solution isn't to drive less; it's to kill more dinosaurs.

All the dinosaurs are already dead.

Sarge

It doesn't have to be just dinosaurs, moron. Any animal turns into oil when it dies. So remember, if you want to be environmentally friendly, just kill every living thing you see! And bury it.

But that process takes millions of years.

Sarge

I've got time.

(In a grave marked "HERE LIES GRIF" which has been crossed out with spray paint and replaced with the word "unleaded") Let me outta here! There's worms!

(Explaining a Turducken) It's a chicken in a duck in a turkey.

You know, because the holiday isn't quite gluttonous enough on its own.

Sounds awesome, is that what we're having?

Sarge

Nope. Although impressive, I decided they stopped short when designing the turducken.

Yeah. They seem like real underachievers there.

Sarge

So I decided to make my own variety.

What's that, a polecat stuffed in a possum?

Sarge

Nope, first we start with a hummingbird-

A what?

Sarge

Put that in a sparrow, stuff them both in a cornish hen, then put that in a chicken. Put all that in a duck, then a turkey, then in a bigger turkey.(Picture shows Michael Moore)

Two turkeys?

Sarge

Hey, it's Thanksgiving. Put that in a penguin, stuff that in a peacock, then an eagle, shove it all in an albatross, then an emu, next comes an ostrich, then a leopard! Put all that in a pterodactyl, and then stuff it in a Boeing 747.

(Short Pause) Cool. I get a wing.

I call the turbine.

Sarge

Alright! Hunker up boys, hey Grif! What kinda meat do you like? First class, or coach?

You know if we cook this thing at three hundred and fifty degrees at ten minutes a pound, it's not gonna be done for 11 years.

Sarge

That's why we're going to deep fry. (Oil Tanker Horn) There's the oil now!

What was the leopard for?

Sarge

Presentation.

Hi everyone, I'm Private Dexter Grif from the popular web-series, Red vs. Blue.

And as always, I'm Private Dick Simmons.

As many of you are no doubt aware, this flu season has been particularly harsh, even here in Blood Gulch.

During the winter months, disease can spread like a virus, and as we all know, a virus can carry disease.

Trust me, I'm a doctor!

No You're not! You just play one on the internet!

I had all of those things, I was very sick.

No you didn't Caboose.

No, it's true. Caboose got Asian Bird Flu.

What?! How is that possible? Doesn't Asian Bird Flu only infect birds?

Somehow, he found a way.

I am feeling much better now, and, I can fly. *Jumps off the cliff* (shouting) I am flying! *thump* Ow! The sky is very hard.

Hey Doc, nobody likes you.

What? What are you talking about, everybody likes me!

Everybody hates you. You don't fit in.

Oh? I think I fit in just fine.

Really.

Yes.

Okay, let me ask you this, Doc. What's your zombie plan?

My what?

There's two kinds of people in the world, Doc. Those who have a plan prepared for when the zombies take over the Earth, and those who don't. We call those last people dinner.

Nobody does that!

In my zombie plan, I'm going to Alaska, because zombies have no body heat. They'll freeze like corpse-sicles! It's brilliant!

Nobody else thinks about stuff like that!

Hey Simmons!

What?

What's your zombie plan?

I have two weeks worth of food stored in my attic. I climb up and pull up the ladder with me.

What?!

What happens at the ends of the two weeks?

Oh, I'm keeping that to myself! I don't want to risk you turning into a zombie and knowing what I'm up to!

Oh, come on!

You still doin Alaska?

You know it!

You'll never make it Grif, the major freeways will be choked with stalled cars and people trying to flee the major population centers! Its going to be nothing but a tasty flesh bottleneck!

Good luck to you Grif!

Good luck to you too Simmons!

Are you guys brain-damaged?

Sarge

Hey you knuckleheads, what's all the yammering about?

Hey Sarge, do you have a, quote, "zombie plan", unquote?

Sarge

A zombie plan? Of course not!

See? I told you.

Sarge

I have 37 different zombie plans!

Wow. Now that's preperation! I am seriously impressed, Sarge.

Sarge

Well don't be, dirtbag. In 36 of the 37 plans I use your fresh corpse as bait, so that I can make my initial escape from the legions of the undead!

Well, at least I know there's one plan where I-

Sarge

In the 37th plan, I knowingly infect myself with the zombie virus, just so I can devour you!

Sarge, you gotta be pulling my leg.

Sarge

Why do you think I carry a shotgun with me at all times? You have to be ready to act on a moments notice! Hyah!

Guys, with all the problems in the world, I can't believe you spend this much time thinking about- [moaning in the distance] What's that?

Sarge

Romero's beard! The Blues have been infected!

If anyone needs me I'll be in the attic!

Hello Juneau!

Hey everyone! You know, it's this time of year our thoughts turn to our family and our friends.

That's why we here at Red Versus Blue want to wish every one of you a very merry Chris-

Hold it right there, guys!

Doc, stop interrupting our holiday message.

Uh, yeah. Listen guys, you should really know the holidays can be one of the most offensive times of the year.

Offensive? Holidays are awesome! You get tons of Christmas presents, and you get a bunch of candy canes!

But just think about how exclusionary that statement is to people that don't celebrate Christmas! Or to dentists, or to people who use canes!

Huh. I never looked at it that way.

Oh come on. I suppose you want to chicken out and just say Happy Holidays?

Yeah, I don't know. Holidays implies holy. Some people aren't religious at all! Also the word happy might be insensitive to people who suffer from depression.

What?

He's right, you know. Each year, clinical depression affects millions of Americans.

Don't say Americans!

Oops, right, you're right. Sorry. [Grif just stares at Doc]

What? It's a global platform!