Simmons quotes from Red vs Blue

Doc and Simmons are worried about offending people that don't celebrate Christmas. [Doc makes a whiny noise] I mean the holidays.

Eh, still kinda...

[sighs] That don't celebrate a special time at the end of the year. Is that better?

The Aztecs use a different calendar. The end of their year is actually-

Oh come on! The Aztecs have been dead for like a billion years!

Sarge

For once I agree with Grif. This is total nonsense! This is our show. We can say whatever kind of greeting we want!

Okay, let's all just calm down before somebody gets too festive. Ahem, pardon me, I meant seasonally excited.

Sarge

That's a bunch of Rudolph droppings if you ask me. I'm not scared of offending people, just watch me go. Hi, this is Sarge from Red Versus Blue, and I want to wish everybody a very merry- [an Xbox 360 guide menu pops up in front of him and the screen goes black and white] Hey, get that thing out of here! {the menu closes] And give us back our color! [the color returns] That's better. Now as I was saying-

Uh, Sarge? I'd be careful if I were you.

Sarge

They can't stop the signal. Now on behalf of everyone here at Red Versus Blue, we want to wish you all out there a very Merry- [Sarge vanishes]. (An Xbox 360 alert pops up and says "GrifKilla51" signed out)

Whoa, what happened? Where'd Sarge go?

I guess they stopped the signal.

Well, okay. If we can't say Happy Holidays, what can we say?

Just think of something as inoffensive as possible.

What if we just say hi? Hello.

In what language?

How 'bout we just send a universal mathematical message with no implied emotion?

Would you send it in hexadecimal?

Sure.

Previews? What the hell is that? I don't want some previewed movie that other people have seen already! Those are the sloppy seconds of cinema!

Aw, shut up!

Shut up!

Shut up!

Silence is golden? Ain't there any dialogue in this picture? That's okay, I got my own soundtrack: This sucks! Zing!

No, you suck!

This isn't open mic night!

I heard this movie got two thumbs up. My question is up what? Oooh! That burns!

Why don't you go kill yourself?

Honk, honk, blarg, eh!

Shut that kid up!

Don't tell me how to raise my child!

I hate babies.

Oh come on, take the little brat to the lobby!

Allright, that's it. Get him, Junior!

Oof! [Simmons falls out of sight]

I didn't know this was gonna be an action movie! Ew, an NC-17 action movie!

Oh God, my spine! Put it back in, put it back in!

[Stands up] Excuse me, excuse me. I have to go to the bathroom. Again.

Get out of my way, I can't see!

It's not my fault the small drink is 164 ounces!

Uh oh. [stands] Emergency! Emergency! [Everyone yells at him to sit down and shut up] Don't yell at me! I have a nervous bladder! Oh boy. [sighs] It's okay, I don't have to go anymore.

Oh, gross.

I'm thirsty again.

Hang up the fucking phone! [People yell]

God, chill out everybody, I have to take this! It could be incredibly important! [answers] Yo, what up, fools? [people yell] Oh, nothing. Whatcha doing? [More yelling] Aw, no way! I'm watching that movie right now too! [yelling] Oh snap, we're in the same theater! [Donut stands up]

What's up, girl?

What's up, dawg? God, doesn't this movie suck? All the people in here are assholes!

Sarge, did you just skate in here on a pair of robot vacuums?

Sarge

Don't be ridiculous, Simmons. These are robot vacuum smart-phones! You see the answer to today's overabundance of technology isn't fewer useless gadgets, it's more useless features in fewer usable gadgets!

What?

Sarge

And of course it plays MP3s. Everything's gotta play MP3s - except your MP3 player! It now plays MP4s, 'cause everybody knows MP3s are a dead technology. They're our generation's betamax. And the next generation's Blu-ray.

What? Blu-ray just came out. It can't be obsolete already.

Sarge

Nonsense, numb-nuts. Being released to the public is what makes technology obsolete. The only way to stay ahead of the curve is to invest in products that don't exist, and hopefully never will. Like the iPlunger, or the Nintendonut.

Hhh, or the Simmons two point five upgrade...

Sarge

Aw, that's just vaporware and you know it. Anyway, everybody knows this year's Blu-ray, is gonna be Red-ray. Heh heh.

What about HD-DVD?

Sarge

Bad marketing. Not enough repeated letters in the name to be catchy. So it's being replaced with HHD DDVVDDBVDs.

I would just like everyone to know, I found my nucular powered SMS-messaging bowling ball. And I'm going to activate it now if anyone wants to text me while I'm playing.

Hey! I already told you, those ain't finger holes!

Hey! I think Andy's resting on one of those laptops with the exploding batteries!

Uh-oh. [boom!]

I also have my own achievables!

Shut up blue! We haven't even made any for you guys yet.

Yes you have, see? Bleep Bloop. [A fake achievement pops up saying: You Got Achevables]

That's not a real achievement!

Yes it is, bleep bloop. [Another fake achievement pops up saying: 10 Points Yes It Is.]

No! You can't do that! You can't fake the achievements they have to be approved! [A video achievement pops up saying: 10G - Wahmbulance, Whine like a bitch.]

Bleep Bloop.

Stop saying bleep bloop!

Bleep Bloop. [Fake Achievement: Bleep Bloop]

Stop it!

Bleep Bloop. [Fake Achievement: Bleep Bloop]

Stop it!

Bleep Bloop. [Fake Achievement: Bloop Bloop]

Okay, that's it, I quit.

Bleep Bloop. [Fake Achievement: Daboop Doop] I have so many achievables! Bleep Bloop. [Fake Achievement: 1 Billion Point, won the video]

[After a very long pause] Bleep Bloop! [Fake Achievement: Secret Bloop]