Simmons quotes from Red vs Blue

Sarge, I'm not sure Grif knows what he's talking about.

Sarge

Grif don't know what he's talking about, eh? Stop the fucking presses.

Sarge

Oh! Whats all this business?

It looks like a bunch of computer equipments, Sir.

Sarge

Excellent analysis, Simmons

And it's attached to some kind of TV thing.

Sarge

So it is... Astute deduction, Donut.

It shows all different parts of the canyon. Look, there's our base!

Sarge

Ah... yes. Another incredible observation from the 'Stating the Obvious Department'. Thanks for nothing, numbnuts.

Sarge

Simmons, Donut, you two stay here. Grif's going to continue to help look for Andy.

Fine. (sigh) I hate my job.

Look, there's my room! And the locker room! And there's the showers! Man, so many good memories.

I hope this thing isn't connected to the Internet.

Sarge

Ah... The Blues must have set this up! Crafty devils! Spying on us all along. What's all that?

Looks like the blue base!

Sarge

Why would the Blues spy on themselves?

Maybe the Blues didn't set this up. Someone else might have.

Sarge

Or maybe the Blues are so incredibly arrogant, they just want to see themselves on TV. Or I bet they have those stupid liberal legal time laws. Blue commie bastards.

What if all this technology is just left over from an ancient civilization that was way more advanced than us?

Wait a minute. How could an ANCIENT civilization be MORE advanced? If they were so advanced, where did they go?

They could have mysteriosly disappeared! Only leaving behind a legacy of enigmatic technology...

(turning to Simmons) That's gay!

Let's finish this fight later.

Sarge

Look! What's that?

(surprised) That looks like Sister's armour!

Oh no! What happened to her?

Sarge

Clearly she's been disintegrated!

Why would they do that?

We can't tell Grif! He`s going to be devastated!

(bored) Tell me what?

Sarge

Tell you that your Sister's been vaporised by the Blues.

(shocked) What!?

Sarge!!

Sarge

(laughing) It`s like ripping off a bandage, Quick and incredibly painful.

We just talked about this! I thought we agreed not to tell him!

(mournfully) What?

You really need to start thinking about other people's feelings, Sarge!

Sarge

Son, the only thing I need to do is stay red and die!

I'm really sorry, Grif. She's dead.

(sad) How could this have happened? Oh man... That was my little sister. I mean, I know we don't always see eye to eye, but I still loved her!

This has to be hard, Grif! I... don't know what to say.

I just.... I had no idea the last time I saw her was gonna be the last time ever! I'd give anything to see her again and just talk to her one last time. But I'm never gonna get that chance. It's the most empty feeling in the whole world.

Oh, hey, look!! She's not dead! She's just naked!

(angry) What? That little slut! I'm gonna kill her!

Take a screenshot, take a screenshot!

[yelling] PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON! What's the one thing I told you?! Don't embarrass the family!

I don't think she's embarrassing it - Whoa! Why is she doing splits?

Sarge

Huh, is this that Facebook thing I keep hearing about?

Does this thing take dollar bills?

Come on! That's my sister! And you're looking at her naked!

So? She's not our sister.

Stop looking at her!

Why does Donut get to look?

Hey! Why does the Blue base get so much more natural light than ours? It gives the interior a much more airy and open feeling.

That's why Donut gets to look.

Sarge

[frustrated] Oh, look, she is putting her armor back on!... Oh, I mean [changes tone] Oh, look! she is putting her armor back on. Good work, soldier!

Don't patronize me.

It looks like the Blues are having some kind of meeting.

Sarge

What? I knew it. They're coming to attack our base. Dirty back stabbers!

I thought the Blues were supposed to attack our base.

Sarge

Dirty front stabbers!

Sarge

Simmons! What are they saying?

I have no idea. I can't find the volume on this monitor. Without any sound, it just looks like a bunch of helmets bobbing up and down.

Sarge

Is that how they talk? They look ridiculous.

Sarge

Shut up, Grif!

Did that order come from Command?

Sarge

In fact, it did! And they also ordered my foot to report up your ass on the double!

[watching the exchange at the underground computer; sighs] I can't believe I donated organs for this fucking war.

Sarge

Can it, you two.

Yeah! You're giving me a headache!

Andy? Is that you?

No, I'm the other talking bomb, Francis! Pleased to meet you, ya dickhead!

Sarge

Whoa, looks like the blue one just got killed by their own tank.

A blue got killed by their own tank. Man, I just had the weirdest sense of deja vu.

Hey, speaking of getting tanked, we should check if the blues have any beer around here!

Sarge

Hiyoh!

Sarge

Whoa, looks like the blue one just got sniped.

Hey, speaking of getting sniped, we should check if the blues have any... beer around here...?

What the fuck is that suppose to mean?

I don't know. It sounded a lot funnier in my head before I said it...

Man, I just had the weirdest sense of deja vu.

Hey, Caboose!

Caboooooooooose!

Come out so I can shoot you, ya fuckstick!

Where did Caboose go?

Sarge

I don't see 'im.

Come out, Caboose, all we wanna do is shoot you!

(hiding behind a tree) Don't listen to them, it's a trick!

Sarge

What are the Blues doing on the radio?

Who knows? Hey Blues shut the fuck up! Get off our radios and quit ruining our batteries down!

Do it now or I will kill every last one of you! And everyone here as well, just to make a point! HAHAHAHA!

Whoa Simmons, don't you think that was a little over the top?

Suck it, you fool!

Sarge

What's wrong with your voice?

Nothing! Why does something have to be wrong with MY voice? Maybe something's wrong with YOUR voice! Ever think about that, COCKSUCKER?

Um, you do know that's Sarge you're talking to, right?

(in normal voice) I mean, cocksucker, SIR! (giggles madly)

Ow, the back of my lower legs!

Ow, the side of my head!

The back of my face!

The front of my front!

Hey Church, I think Tex is over here!

(sarcasticly) Thanks for the update!

Freeze, blue!

Simmons?

Hey everyone, I caught an intruder! I'm the greatest! I mean I'm the greatest one that isn't Caboose!

(Raspy version of his voice) Great job, Simons!

Thanks orangest guy...Who's name I really don't remember!

Sarge

(Pirate accent) Argh, lets be makin' him walk the plank.

(As a full fledged woman) Let's all go shopping to celebrate!

Oh right...

Sarge

Simmons, where can we get some explosives?

Well, as you recall, we recently came across Andy the bomb and Lopez in the caves. So-

Sarge

Of course! Men, let's go ask Lopez where we can get some explosives!

*sigh* Excellent plan, sir...

Donut. Relax. You've been infected by a computer virus and we just need to figure out what to do about it.

(Possessed by O'Malley) HAHAHAHA! NO, it's my body! It's my choice! And another thing, why do I do as much work as you guys but only get 92 percent of-

Sarge

Hey don't hit my soldiers without my permission...(O'Malley infects Sarge) I'm the one who gets to hit my soldiers. MWAHAHAHA! YEAH, eat lead world, drop and give me infinity!

Sarge I think you've finally gone crazy.

Whoa that's weird. I have a sudden urge to conquer the universe. Which is unlike me, considering I'd have to do actual work. I think I'll just fall asleep instead.

We're here, is anyone hurt...

...Or need to be killed? HAHAHA!

I know that laugh. Nobody move!

You know I...I really don't feel all that different. Meh, meh heh, heh, meh, meh, no. Feels pretty much the same. That's kinda weird huh? Expected more...

Where'd he go, where'd he go? Is he gone...Tex?

Church run!

Tex DON'T!

You have no idea how much trouble you are in

Hey, Simmons...

Yeah?

Just one thing. Shotgun!

Fuck!

(Church and Tucker had just killed Sarge) Okay, hey. We killed one of your guys, and you killed one of ours. That makes us even.

Actually, we killed Tex and Junior, and they killed Sarge. So technically, that means we killed two people and they only killed one. (Church kills him with the sniper rifle) Son of a bitch!

Okay! Now we're even! Seriously! (Blues point guns at Grif and Donut; Grif lobs a grenade, everyone scatters, Donut gets in the ghost) Every man for himself!

Caboose! Get in that tank and give us cover fire.

Okay!

And don't shoot me this time!

Okay (immediately shoots Church)

Son of a bitch!

Wait, what was that first part again?(Grif begins to destroy Caboose's tank) Abandon ship! Running, running, running! (tank blows up)

Don't worry Sister, I'll protect you.

Sarge

Aha! Got you, blues!

Sarge, I thought you were dead!

Sarge

I was dead, Doc revived me!

That's right! And if anyone else needs medical attention, I would be more than happy to hel- (Sarge kills him) Son of a bitch!

Sarge

Oh, I'm sorry! Doc will be unable to assist anyone else. (Sister kills him) Ah, son of a bitch again. Medic!

Well Sister, this looks like it. I don't think we're gonna make it, the reds are on the attack, and now Doc is dead and can't help us.

(dying) Actually, I'm not dead! if you could just hand me my first-aid kit- (Tucker shoots him) Oh, son of a bitch!

And now that Doc is actually dead, I don't think we're gonna make it. I don't wanna die a virgin!

Ooh! Yeah!

Wouldn't you rather spend your last few moments as a lover and not as a fighter?

I never thought about that, Uh-huh.

I've always wanted to go out-

Hey, uh, no offense, are you gonna keep talking or are we gonna see some action!

Bow Chicka Bow- (Grif shoots him) Ow!

Stay away from my sister!

Son of a bitch!

Grif, I liked him! He was nice to me! (kills Grif)

Son of a bitch!

(Donut runs her over with his ghost) Son of a bitch! I can't believe you'd hit a girl!

Whatever, bitch! Reow! (Caboose is running away, picks up a rocket launcher) Now it's time to pound some Caboose! Woo-hoo! (drives toward him; Caboose blows him up with the rocket launcher) Son of a bitch!

I won! I am the greatest! I beat everyone! And now, no one is left but me! (ghost lands on him, kills him) Son of a bitch.