The Cat quotes from Red Dwarf

Cat

With just an Allen key and a Phillips screwdriver, assembly should take less than three hours.

Rimmer

That’s Swedish for a week.

Kryten

You’re up late, sir.

Cat

Been hunting. Trying to swat this damned space weevil. Little sucker keeps outsmarting me.

Kryten

Well they do have an IQ of two, sir.

Kryten

(Discussing the Erroneous Reasoning Research Academy) The staff were handpicked for their ability to be mistaken; for their gifts in fallacious analysis and defective reasoning.

Cat

(To Rimmer) You could've excelled here.

Kryten

They were all outstandingly good at being consistently incorrect. There were a lot of referees, TV critics, weathermen, who were then re-educated in the sciences, to develop extraordinary new, erroneous theories, that would combine together to produce works of great genius.

Cat

Did it work?

Kryten

No. The whole idea turned out to be wrong. The man behind the idea was so depressed he attempted suicide. Naturally he failed, and he went on to live into his nineties

Kryten

Perhaps that person we saw is a different version of Mr. Rimmer from an alternative dimension.

Rimmer

So if he dies, not the end of the world.

Kryten

Or perhaps he's a clone of Mr. Rimmer produced somehow from his DNA.

Rimmer

Again, if he dies, not the end of the world.

Kryten

Or perhaps that man is you, sir, a you seized from the future and taken back into the past.

Cat

Again, if he dies, not the end of the world!

Cat

I got it! I got it! The inventor guy I'm like, begins with R!

Lister

Who?

Cat

Archimedes!

Lister

Okay, okay, we got pictures coming through.

This is Captain Edwin Herring of the S.S. Nautilus, can you read me? Over.

Rimmer

Copy, Nautilus! But there's something wrong with our video feed. From our end you look like a hideous 19th century circus freak.

Cat

Bud! You look like you're wearing a toupée made of face!

Lister

Yeah, one look at you and even the Elephant Man would wanna jump in his mum and dad's bed!

The bio-printer jammed, it's faulty. My face has been printed on the top of my head. Any advice?

Cat

Yeah, don't wear a hat!

What's my position? Obviously, it's difficult to see.

Cat

What about your escape pods? Maybe use one of those!

Too late, they've escaped. That's what happens when we put machines on artificial intelligence - they just look after number one.

Rimmer

Perhaps you should print some more of your crew, sir! Get assistance!

I've just told you my bio-printer's faulty you cretin. My visuals are down... what's your name crewman?

Rimmer

Dave Lister, sir!

Don't speak again Lister, understand?

Rimmer

Yes, sir!

Cat

Hey, what the hell is this?

We're the barbershop quartet!

Rimmer

Any ID?

Lister

Ah! So you can't go anywhere, without us!

I only need one of you, [Aims gun at the crew] the rest of you are going to die! [To Cat] You!

Cat

Who, me?

You have no loyalty to them, a Cat has no fidelity to anyone but himself. Join me!

Lister

I don't care what the damn scan says, we're the Posse! [Begins to perform the 'Boys from the Dwarf' gang signal, with Kryten, Rimmer, and Cat following] Boys from the Dwarf!

Cat

Yeah!

Lister

Noones changing sides here!

Cat

Nu-huh!

[To Cat] I'll give you anything that you want!

Cat

Sounds good!

Lister

[Shocked] Cat man!

Lister

I'll give you anything that your heart desires, plus a special secret surprise, if you join us!

Cat

[Excited] I love secret surprises!

They're not going to be giving you anything since pretty soon they'll gonna be dead! In fact let me prove it to you by killing them one-by-one!

Cat

No wait! I'm with you! But I get to do it! [Becomes stonefaced]

Can I trust you? Can I? [Aims gun right at Cat's head] Really?

Cat

I'm a psychopath, ain't I? You and me both! What more do you need?

Cat

[On television monitor] Hey, bud! It's me! How you doing with that shirt?

Kryten

Coming right up, sir.

Cat

[On television monitor] My ass is freezing here! I got six nipples you can hang mugs on!

Kryten

I'm seconds away, sir.

Rimmer

[On television monitor] Kryten, I'm on B-deck, and it doesn't appear to have been mopped in at least two days. I can hardly see my face in it!

Kryten

[Whispering to himself] A blessing, some would say. [Now speaking directly] I'm on it right now, sir.

Lister

[On television monitor] Kryten, when you get a chance, could you grab us a beer?

Kryten

Sir, I'm rather busy right now! Could you possibly get it yourself?

Lister

Fine.

Rimmer

Look, we're here to warn you that your ship is on a collision course with a very important moon called Planet Rimmer.

I'm gonna let you off with a caution.

Cat

[To the crew] Caution?! How dumb is this guy? [To the Crit Cop] Hey! Lieutenant Asshole, If you don't move your dumb-ass spaceship, we're gonna be flatter than your wife's droopy-ass titties, capisce?

Rimmer

As Second Technician and acting senior officer onboard the JMC registered mining ship, Red Dwarf, I have the privilege to advise that, you, Third Technician David Lister have been promoted.

Lister

Which makes me equal with you so now, you can't demote me! You totally screwed that one up, didn't you, Rimmer?

Rimmer

Have been promoted from Third Technician to Technician 2.5, making you under my authority by half a command point, still giving me the ability to demote you.

Lister

So demote me then, like I care.

Rimmer

Maybe I won't demote you.

Lister

Of course you will.

Rimmer

Feels good, doesn't it? Does your chest jut out that bit more? Do you feel a little bit taller?

Lister

I told you Rimmer. I. Don't. Care.

Rimmer

I bet your gran would be proud, if she knew.

Lister

[Face turns solemn] I know what you're trying to do here, Rimmer.

Rimmer

In that case you'll know all I want is for you to be the best person you can be. Maybe, then, you'll stop drinking and getting fatter!

Cat

Hey, that's not fair, he's not getting fatter. He's always been this fat!

Rimmer

You think I'm the bad guy in this, don't you? But, Lister, you're bright, you could go places, maybe even further than me.

Lister

Definitely further than you.

Rimmer

And it frustrates me no end to see you fritter it all away. And, here's another thing. Just imagine how proud your gran would be if she'd known you'd be promoted. Am I right?

Lister

Maybe.

Rimmer

[Repeating] Maybe?

Lister

All right, she'd have been made-up. She always told me that...

Rimmer

[Interrupting] You're demoted.

Rimmer

[On the television] Tonight we look at the two contenders, statesman and war hero, Arnold J. Rimmer, and toilet droid Kryten 2X4B 523P.

Lister

[Watching] What's this?

A mechanoid is running for election, but do the electorate know this droid has a history of mental illness? The only survivor on the Nova-5, he tended a crew of skeletons believing them to be alive. He now wants to look after you. Do you mind he can't tell the difference between the living and the dead?

Cat

[On the television] You're only as good as your running mate. Has anyone taken a close look at Kryten's number two, David 'Dodgy Boy' Lister?

Lister

[Watching] You what?

Cat

[On the television] A man who served a jail term in stasis for smuggling unquarantined animals aboard a JMC mining ship? Major questions remain unanswered!

Rimmer

Anything on M-Corp?

Kryten

They bought Earth in the late 26th century.

Rimmer

Bought Earth? Bought what exactly?

Kryten

They bought the entire planet, sir. And everything on it. Including fixtures and fittings. Oceans, countries, animals, houses, curtains, you name it. They even bought all the stuff nobody likes. Maggots, quicksand, even the American chocolate.

Cat

Where'd they get all the dough from?

Kryten

M-Corp owned all the electricity and oil and gas and wind. Even the rain water.

Rimmer

But the rain water belongs to Earth. To everyone and everything on it. My God, I've turned into a hippy.

Cat

And the Earth dudes just stood around and let this happen?

Kryten

Well, by then, M-Corp had introduced a law to tax thinking.

Cat

A Think Tax?

Rimmer

[Points to Cat] You'd have got a rebate every year.