Dave Lister quotes from Red Dwarf

Lister

It needs killing! If that means I have to sacrifice my life in some stupid pointless way, then all the better!

Lister

[revelling in having the room to himself] Ecstasy! We're talking mega ecstasy bliss! I can hum as loud as I like, as long as I like! I'm a free man... And you see those socks? See 'em? They're going right where they belong, all over the floor where any self-respecting bachelor would keep 'em! I'm gonna have the bottom bunk, the big bunk! I'm gonna leave the top off the shampoo. I'm gonna squeeze the toothpaste right from the middle! In fact I'm gonna do all the things that drove him bonkers! I'm gonna crack me knuckles, I'm gonna grind me teeth, I'm gonna live for a change! Hee-hee! (sniffs)....Aw, smeggin' hell... (puts socks back in their basket)

Lister

'Mr Arnold' isn't his name. His name's Rimmer, or 'smeghead', or 'dinosaur-breath', or 'molecule-mind', or on rare occasions when you wanna be really mega-polite to him, and we're talking mega polite here, on those exceptional circumstances you can call him 'arsehole.'

Lister

I remember when my dad died, you know. I was only six. I got loads of presents off everyone, like it was Christmas. I remember wishing a couple more people would die so I could complete my Lego set. My grandma tried to explain, you know. She said he'd gone away and he wasn't coming back. So, I wanted to know where, like, you know. She said he was very happy and he'd gone to the same place as my goldfish. So I thought they'd flushed him down the bog. I thought he was just round the U-bend, you know. I used to stuff food down, you know, and magazines and that for him to read. They took me to a child psychologist in the end, because they found me with my head down the bowl, reading him the football results.

Lister

This is hopeless, it's like trying to find a fart in a Jacuzzi.

Lister

Why do women always leave me? Why do they dump me for men who wear turtle neck sweaters and smoke a pipe? I mean natural yoghurt eaters. "Reliable", "sensible", "dependable", and lots of others words that end in "-ible". They're obsessed with house prices and spends half his life at antique fairs looking for bargains and drinking wine. It's never beer is it, it's always wine. 'What do you want on your cornflakes darling', 'oh I'll 'ave some wine please'.

Lister

Well, I say let's get out there and twat it!

Lister

I'm gonna rip out its windpipe and beat it to death with the tonsil end! I'm gonna stick my fist so far down its gob I'll be able to pull the label off its underpants!

Lister

Of course, lager! The only thing that can kill a vindaloo!

Lister

No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double polaroid!

Lister

Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smeg pot. Brains in the anal region. Chin absent, presumed missing. Genitalia small and inoffensive. Of no value or interest.

Lister

'ang on a minute, why should we take any notice of some crazed rogue robot who's appointed 'imself judge and jury to the whole of humanity? Why should we kowtow to his judgement?

Lister

I'll tell you one thing. I've been to a parallel universe, I've seen time running backwards, I've played pool with planets and I've given birth to twins, but I never thought in my entire life I'd taste an edible Pot Noodle.

Lister

Why would a haddock kill itself? ...Why am I even asking that question?

Lister

CHANGE OF PLAN! LEG IIIIIITTTTT!