Kryten quotes from Red Dwarf

Kryten

"Pub." Ah, yes: a meeting place where people attempt to achieve advanced states of mental incompetence by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks.

Kryten

[reading Hitler's Diary] Things to do: Stop milk, pay papers, invade Czechoslovakia!

Kryten

Oh my goodness...Oooh...Oh, my head...what happened to me? Damage control report. (He pulls a slip of paper from a slot in his chest and reads it) "Dehydration Level: 45%. Recall of previous evening: 2%. Embarrassment Factor: 91%?! Advised repair schedule: Reboot startup disk, offline for 36 hours and replace head." Boy, what a night!

Kryten

Well, to coin a phrase: Whoops!

Kryten

Oh, spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska!

Kryten

Who allowed this man, this pathetic man, this man who could not outwit a used teabag, to be in a position where he might endanger the entire crew? Who? Only a yogurt!

Kryten

You are the most obnoxious, trumped-up, farty little smeghead it has ever been my misfortune to encounter!

Kryten

Kryten Personal Black Box Recording. Time: unknown. Location: unknown. Cause of accident: unknown. Perhaps if someone finds this recording it will shed light as to what happened here. My short-term memory appears to have been erased.This I ascribe to the proximity of the magnetic coils from Starbug's rear engine. (He looks around briefly) Secondly, due to the proximity of the magnetic coils, my short-term memory appears to have been erased.

Kryten

Sir, a couple of brief points: firstly, you are not a qualified service engineer, and consequently, sawing me in two will invalidate my guarantee; secondly, I wouldn't trust you to open a can of sardines that was already open.

Kryten

(after ramming his head on a metal column) Aah, that's better. Maybe now I can WIN SELF-DETERMINATION FOR THE SOUTH MALDAVIAN PEOPLE!!!!

Kryten

(after his guilt chip is removed) Just call me badass!

Kryten

[to Lister] It's an obscene phone call, sir. I think it's for you.

Kryten

(narrating) Last week, on Red Dwarf... something terrible happened to Mr. Lister's arm!

Kryten

Mr. Jesus? He hath risen!

Kryten

He's speaking "choking to death", sir. It is very hard to translate if you are not being strangled.