Jesus quotes from Red Dwarf

Jesus

It's as if I've smoked some bark from an acacia tree. Bad bark! Well bad bark!

Jesus

The only escape from our enemies is to turn and love them!

Rimmer

Or run. Running's good too!

Jesus

I'm looking for my uncle. Hast thou seen him?

Erin

No.

Jesus

If thou seest him, tell him that I will be in the tavern, drinking wine in great plenty until my legs do the dance of a newly-born camel! And then my mind will turn to dark, vile thoughts and I'll start coveting my neighbour's oxen!!

Erin

That's breaking the Tenth Commandment, that is.

Jesus

[giggles] And if there's time, I might even covet his donkey! And when I've finished coveting things, I might make a small statue out of wood and- and- and idolise it a bit!

Erin

You've got to watch yourself. God is a jealous God. You do that and he won't just get you, you know. According to the Second Commandment, he'll wipe out all your descendants.

Jesus

Isn't that breaking the Sixth Commandment? 'Thou shalt not kill?'

Erin

It's not killing, it's genocide. I think that's okay.

Lister

Look, so some stupid people did some stupid things in your name. It's not your fault. You make a lot of people happy. I mean, look at me: I presumed that throughout history, all famous people were amazing. And then I met you! And I realised they're not. In fact you're a bit of a knob. Just like me. Which means that I'm okay.

Jesus

Yeah, I don't wanna be me. I don't wanna walk down the street and have people say 'ooh, look there's the Jesus of Caesarea, the guy who caused all the wars!'

Rimmer

Jesus of Caesarea? You mean Jesus of Nazareth.

Jesus

[incredulous] Jesus of Caesarea? Son of Rachel the Fornicator, Samuel the Chicken Stealer.

Lister

Samuel the Chicken Stealer?

Jesus

He stole them, not me. Take it up with him. I'm always having to leg it because of him.

Rimmer

Erm, is Jesus quite a popular name around here?

Jesus

Yeah, there's a few of us. There's Jesus, son of John with a funny nose.... Jesus, son of Luke, he wraps plant leaves around the feet of horses, about 70 of us at the last census.

Jesus

Does this mean I'm not the son of God?

Jesus

Oh, bugger.