Red Dwarf quotes

198 total quotes

0.57 seconds before he expired, Rimmer realised he was going to die. His life didn't flash before his eyes. He didn't think of his parents, or his brothers, or his home. He didn't think of the failed exams or the wasted time in the stasis booths. He didn't even think of his one brief affair with Yvonne McGruder, the ship's female boxing champion.
What he did think of was a bowl of soup. A bowl of gazpacho soup.
Then he died.
Then everyone died.

(New)Ace: Stoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas.

Ace: Princess Bonjella? Ace Rimmer. There'll be time for explanations later and, hopefully, some sex.

Ace: Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.

Ace: You can't judge a book by its cover.
Lister: And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start, a book's got a spine.

Captain Hollister: I also suspect that someone, possibly Lister, has given Rimmer access to the crew's confidential files, and he's using this information to blackmail his way up the chain of command. It's sickening. It's unforgivable. But it's a technique that can work. I should know; I used the same method myself to become captain. If the crew discover I'm really just Dennis the Doughnut Boy, I'm finished.

Captain Hollister: Just one more thing before we start the disco, Holly tells me he's sensed a non-human life form on-board.
Lister: Sir, it's Rimmer!

Captain Hollister: Rimmer, is this salute ever going to end? Do I have time to go for a cup of coffee? Maybe go on vacation?
Rimmer: Nearly finished, sir. This is my very special extra long salute I reserve for the especially important, sir.

Captain Hollster: [Breifing the Canaries] We've located a ship, the SS Silverberg, buried at the bottom of an ocean moon. A remote probe has come back with no signs of a crew; no bodily remains, no skeletons, zip. we want you guys to go on board and find out why. [...] It's inconcievable a ship like this could be sent out without a crew. So whatever devoured the crew, bones and all, might still be there so... be careful.

Cassandra: All the Canaries will be dead within one hour, except for Rimmer --
Rimmer: YES!
Cassandra: -- who will be dead in twenty minutes.

Cat [to Rimmer]: What is it?
Rimmer: It's a rent in the space-time continuum.
Cat [to Lister]: What is it?
Lister: The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.
Cat [to Rimmer]: What is it?
Rimmer: It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply.
Cat [to Lister]: What is it?
Lister: It's a hole back into the past.
Cat: Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say?

Cat: "Cat do this!" "Cat do that!" What am I? A dog?

Cat: [sings] S-E-X, you know I want it! S-E-X, I'm gonna get it! Yeah! [Cat finds Lister unconscious on the floor.] S-E-X, I think I found it!

Cat: [through a megaphone while on roller skates] Hello, hello, testing, testing, one one one, me me me! Attention all lady cats! I am feeling very very sexy! Can you hear me, lady cats? My body is available!

Cat: [through his megaphone] SHUT UP!
Lister: Will you stop doing that?
Cat: I'm trying to watch the film!
Lister: I'm only eatin'!
Cat: No, eating's when food goes in your mouth!