The Cat quotes from Red Dwarf

Kryten

Either Mr. Rimmer had the incredibly good fortune to land on a populated planet.... Or.....

Cat

...Or what?.

Kryten

It's too hideous to contemplate!

Rimmer

Enough of this heresy. At the stroke of dawn take them out and kill them. And when you've killed them, burn the bodies, then bring me the cold ashes on a silver plate with a glass of chilled sancerre.

Cat

This guy's an animal. Doesn't he know it's red wine with cold ashes?

Rimmer

Ohhhhhh dear!

Cat

What? Is he fat?

Rimmer

Far from it, he's lost a bit of weight, actually. In fact, he's lost quite a bit of everything.

Cat

So what do we do?

Rimmer

Have we got any chance of winning?

Kryten

Their craft is greatly upgraded. We have no chance whatsoever.

Rimmer

Then I say fight! (dramatic chord of music)

Rimmer

Better dead than smeg!

Lister

Ye-es! Cat?

Cat

Better dead than sofa-size butt!

Lister

Kryten?

Kryten

Better anything than that toupee!

Kryten

[about Kochanski] And another thing is that she keeps her pants in her sock drawer! Do you know how time-consuming that can be to put it all back?

Cat

You mean you've seen her pants?

Lister

It's nice, Kryts, really nice.

Kochanski

It's really great!

Lister

In fact it's better than nice, it's fantastic!

Kochanski

Isn't it great!

Lister

It's really great!

Kochanski

It's really really great!

Cat

Are we eating the same stuff?

Kryten

I don't know why I make the effort? No one appreciates the hours I put into food prep. My fingers are practically worn down to the exoskeleton!

Lister

Is there any Ketchup?

Kryten

Any what?!

Lister

Ketchup, I thought it could do with a bit of ketchup, just a dollop...

Lister

Ketchup?!

Kochanski

Oh my god..

Kryten

You want Ketchup?!

Lister

Emmm... Brown not tomato, Brown. It's not like I've got no class?

Kryten

With Lobster? You want brown ketchup?!

Lister

It's really nice Kryts, but you know me. I just thought it could do with a bit of a pep up...

Kryten

I can't believe it... I simply cannot B...! (His head explodes)

Cat

Oh well done bud! Now we'll have to do the washing up.

Kochanski

He's literally blown his top. Cat, can you go and get a spare head?

Cat

How come I have to do everything around here? I can't get a second to myself. Cat do this, Cat do that. What am I, a dog?!

Cat

[about Kryten, whose head had just blown up] Life without a head. That's gonna seriously put a real crimp on his lifestyle. What can he do without a head?

Lister

Apart from being you, hardly anything.

Kryten

Sir, you're awake!

Cat

Buddy you look great! (Puts out hand to shake Lister's before realising he put his right hand out)

Cat

Forget Red -- let's go all the way up to Brown Alert!

Kryten

There's no such thing as a Brown Alert, sir.

Cat

You won't be saying that in a minute! And don't say I didn't alert you!

Lister

Hey guys, look at me body.

Cat

Now there is an invitation that will NOT cause a stampede.

Lister

Hol: need some advice, mate. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody Woodpecker is in its stomach. What's your take on the situation?

What do you want -- the long or the short version?

Lister

Oh. Long.

You're finished.

Cat

What's the short version?

Bye.

Cat

I'm walking through the cargo deck, right? Minding my own damn business. When all of a sudden, you know that big tank on G deck?

Lister

He means the water tank.

Cat

Suddenly there is a disturbance on the surface of the tank and this massive testicle shoots out of the water and grabs me by the throat.

Lister

He means tentacle.

Rimmer

I hope so.

Cat

Whats going to happen to everybody in the reality we left? The guys all watching us on T.V?

Kryten

Well, they will continue to exist as a consequence of us creating them in our hallucination, sir. Its quantum mechanics, every decision that is made creates a new universe, as do all dreams and hallucinations, its multi-verse 1.0.1.

Rimmer

But those sad suckers will live out the rest of their lives convinced they're the real ones and we are characters from a T.V show.

Lister

And you know if you tell them the truth, you know what they would probably do?

Rimmer

Laugh.

Lister

Yeah. [They all snigger] They probably would.

Rimmer

[explaining a lateral thinking question.] 'It's 1971, a Swedish man crashes into a tree, what causes the accident?' There's nothing medical, nothing wrong with the car.

Lister

[deadpan.] Riiiight, so, um, this Swedish guy drives into a tree, what caused the accident.... Answer's in the back, right?

Rimmer

Right.

Lister

[milking it.] Well... That's a really hard one, that. I mean, probably gotta be pretty damn smart to get a question like that right. You know what, I'm gonna go for a moose.

Rimmer

A moose?! [scoffs.]

Lister

Yeah, it was in the road, he swerved to avoid the moose.

Rimmer

[checking.] Are you insane? That's never gonna be - it's a moose.

Lister

[wandering out.] Sometimes life is good.

Kryten

Ah, sir, you asked me to remind you, it's ten minutes til your exam-

Rimmer

Kryten, lateral thinking question, just got it myself. It's 1971, a Swedish man drives into a tree, what causes the accident?

Kryten

Well, it's a moose, sir, he swerves and hits a tree.

Rimmer

Is it me? How did you get that?

Cat

Get what?

I've got something for you. A lateral thinking question.

Cat

A lottery what?

Rimmer

Ahhh, I knew I could rely on you. What caused this accident?

Cat

[alert.] What accident?

Rimmer

No, no. It's a question, alright? Are you ready? It's 1971, a man-

Cat

Was he Swedish?

Rimmer

... Yes?

Cat

A moose! [Rimmer sags in resignation.] It was a moose! He swerved to avoid it, and hit a tree! Oh, and the moose is on the road, by the way - not in the car driving. Oww! Yea-ah! [dances out of the room.] Oww! Yea-ah!

Pree

Mindful of the Space Pollution Act, JMC policy dictates the ship should dispose of itself by flying straight into the nearest sun.

Cat

What?!

Kryten

What about us?

Rimmer

Never mind “us”, what about ME?