Captain Hollister quotes from Red Dwarf

Captain Hollister

I also suspect that someone, possibly Lister, has given Rimmer access to the crew's confidential files, and he's using this information to blackmail his way up the chain of command. It's sickening. It's unforgivable. But it's a technique that can work. I should know; I used the same method myself to become captain. If the crew discover I'm really just Dennis the Doughnut Boy, I'm finished.

Captain Hollister

Just one more thing before we start the disco, Holly tells me he's sensed a non-human life form on-board.

Lister

Sir, it's Rimmer!

Lister

You wanted to see me, Captain?

Captain Hollister

Where's the cat?

Lister

What? What cat?

Captain Hollister

Lister, not only are you so stupid you jeopardise every man and woman on this ship, not only that, you take a photo of yourself with the cat and send it to be processed in the ship's lab. Now, I'm going to ask you again. Do you have a cat?

Lister

No.

Captain Hollister

[holding up a photo of Lister and a cat] Have you got a cat?

Rimmer

On the morning of Febuary the 26th, at 0800 hrs, did engage in conversation with second technician Rimmer, Arnold J...

Captain Hollister

For crying out loud, Rimmer!

Rimmer

- the outcome of which was a proposal by the aforementioned Lister to the aforementioned Rimmer to cook him breakfast.

Captain Hollister

Okay, I'm getting the picture.

Rimmer

Breakfast comprised of two eggs, three rashers of bacon, a grilled tomato, two sausages, a small portion of fried potatoes... and a large quantity of mushrooms. Having consumed this repast, second technician Rimmer, Arnold J. experienced what can only be described as a "voyage to trip-out city". To whit, a major hallucinogenic fit.

Captain Hollister

Lister, is this true?

Lister

No, sir. I'm sure it was only one egg.

Rimmer

The aforementioned Rimmer, to whit, me, then attended inspection parade. He was totally naked except for a pair of mock-leather driving gloves and some blue swimming goggles. Under the influence of this psychadelic breakfast he went on to attack two senior officers, believing them to be giraffes who were armed and dangerous

Captain Hollister

Rimmer, make this quick.

Rimmer

Sir, I wish to place on record that third technician Lister, David-

Captain Hollister

Quicker than that, Rimmer.

Rimmer

-smuggled aboard the mining vessel Red Dwarf a consignment of a hallucinogenic fungi Titan Mushrooms, more popularly known to the Space Beatnik community as "Freaky Fungus".

Captain Hollister

Is this true?

Lister

Erm, sort of.

Rimmer

On the morning of February the 26th, at 0800 hrs, did engage in conversation with second technician Rimmer, Arnold J...

Captain Hollister

For crying out loud, Rimmer!

Rimmer

- the outcome of which was a proposal by the aforementioned Lister to the aforementioned Rimmer to cook him breakfast.

Captain Hollister

Okay, I'm getting the picture.

Rimmer

Breakfast comprised of two eggs, three rashers of bacon, a grilled tomato, two sausages, a small portion of fried potatoes... and a large quantity of mushrooms. Having consumed this repast, second technician Rimmer, Arnold J. experienced what can only be described as a "voyage to trip-out city". To wit, a major hallucinogenic fit.

Captain Hollister

Lister, is this true?

Lister

No, sir. I'm sure it was only one egg.

Rimmer

The aforementioned Rimmer, to wit, me, then attended inspection parade. He was totally naked except for a pair of mock-leather driving gloves and some blue swimming goggles. Under the influence of this psychedelic breakfast he went on to attack two senior officers, believing them to be giraffes who were armed and dangerous.

Captain Hollister

You'd better have a good reason for this, Lister.

Lister

I have, sir.

Captain Hollister

Why'd you do it?

Lister

I thought it'd be a laugh.

Captain Hollister

Right. Two weeks PD, Lister. Dismissed.

Rimmer

With respect, sir, the penalty for a crime of this nature is fifteen years imprisonment.

Lister

Thanks a lot(!)

Captain Hollister

Rimmer, I said dismissed.

Rimmer

Two weeks?

Captain Hollister

That's enough.

Rimmer

Two smegging weeks?

Captain Hollister

I said, that’s enough!

Rimmer

[salutes] With respect, sir, you've got your head right up your big fat arse!

Captain Hollister

Rimmer, is this salute ever going to end? Do I have time to go for a cup of coffee? Maybe go on vacation?

Rimmer

Nearly finished, sir. This is my very special extra long salute I reserve for the especially important, sir.