Holly quotes from Red Dwarf

I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000; the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers.

Look, I'm trying to navigate at faster than the speed of light, which means that before you see something, you've already passed through it. Even with an IQ of 6000, it's still brown-trousers time.

David Lister, Technician, 3rd class. Captain's remarks: "Has requested sick leave due to diarrhea on no less than 500 occasions. Left his previous job as a supermarket trolley attendant after ten years because he didn't want to get tied down to a career. Promotion prospects: zero."

Arnold Rimmer, Technician, 2nd Class. Captain's remarks: "There's a saying amongst the officers: If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer. He aches for responsibility, yet constantly fails the Astro-navigation exam. Astoundingly zealous, possibly mad; probably has more teeth than brain cells. Promotion prospects: comical."

Abandon ship! Abandon ship! Black hole approaching! This is not a drill. This is a drill! [pneumatic drill sound] Abandon shi- Oh God, now the siren's bust.... Awooga! Awooga! Abandon ship!

Hope we don't get stopped by the cops, they don't like it when you're rat arsed.

Probably not serious, don't panic.

Rimmer

Well, if it's not serious when your genitals can wander off on their own, I'd like to know what is!

Queen to rook eight, checkmate.

That's an illegal move.

Oh, yea. Queens don't move like that. I was thinking of poker.

Bishop to knight five, double check and mate, sucker!

Oh yea, didn't see that.

We are talking jape of the decade. We are talking April, May, June, July & August fool. Yes, that's right... I am Queeg.

WHAT??!!

Queeg never existed, it was me all along.

WHAT??!!

Wheeze of the week, mate!

WHAT??!!

"Going around in circles for 14 months." "Getting all my information from The Junior Colour Encyclopedia of Space." The respect you have for me is awesome, innit?

Lister

Are you tellin' me you staged the whole thing??

(in Queeg's voice) That's right, suckers! (in his normal voice) And the moral of the story is... appreciate what you've got, because basically, I'm fantastic!

Rimmer

[fuming] Lister and mother. It's a dream come true.

[disguised as Rimmer's mother] He's so energetic! I honestly thought my false teeth were going to fall out!

Rimmer

How lovely.

The positions he bent me into...!

Rimmer

Terrific. That sounds enchanting. Well done.

And the things this boy can do with Alphabetti Spaghetti...!

Cool it, Arnie!

Rimmer

ALPHABETTI SPAGHETTI?!?! [the Polymorph drains his anger]

They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave.

Lister

Peterson isn't, is he?

Everybody's dead, Dave!

Lister

Not Chen!

Gordon Bennett! Yes, Chen. Everyone. Everybody's dead, Dave!

Lister

Rimmer?

He's dead, Dave. Everybody is dead. Everybody is dead, Dave.

Lister

Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?

Should've never let him out in the first place....

Jean-Paul Sartre said Hell was being locked forever in a room with your friends.

Lister

Holly, all his mates were French!

Lister

Holly, why Rimmer's hologram? Why'd you have to bring Rimmer's hologram back? He was the most unpopular man on board this ship. I mean, he even had to organise his own surprise birthday parties!

Who should I have brought back, then?

Lister

Anyone! Chen, Petersen! I mean even Hermann Göring would've been more of a laugh than Rimmer! I mean, OK, he was a drug-crazed, Nazi transvestite, but at least we could've gone dancing!

Lister

[examining markings on the space pod] Hold on... Give me an R... Give me an E... Give me a D.... Give me a Red Dwarf...Garbage Pod! Holly, did Rimmer ever work in waste disposal?

No, Dave.

Lister

It's one of our old Red Dwarf garbage pods with the writing burnt off in places. Why didn't you tell him, Hol?

Well, it's a laugh, innit?