He’s got a skullet.
A skull what?
A bald mullet. A skullet. Bald at the front, mullet at the back. You wouldn't want to go out in public with this guy.
“Lemons”
In this episode: Arnold Rimmer (6), Dave Lister (5), Jesus (4), Erin (3), Kryten (2), The Cat (1)
With just an Allen key and a Phillips screwdriver, assembly should take less than three hours.
That’s Swedish for a week.
Ha-ha! I lived in the land of Albion for ten full cycles of the moon, but I fled after my family were dragged screaming from my home to a mighty wicker tower, where they were sacrificed to the three gods: Toutatis, Esus and Taranis. First they were garrotted to death, then they were burnt to death, then they were drowned to death. Three deaths to appease the three gods. Then the druids drank their blood and ate their meat and said the harvest would be bountiful.
Right. Have you got any lemons?
We've walked 4,000 miles.
How many do you want?
Eight.
Eight?! You walked across half the known world for eight lemons?
You're right, that's absolutely insane. Make it ten.
You’re him off the Bible, aren’t you?
The only escape from our enemies is to turn and love them!
Or run. Running's good too!
It's as if I've smoked some bark from an acacia tree. Bad bark! Well bad bark!
Mr. Jesus? He hath risen!
I'm looking for my uncle. Hast thou seen him?
No.
If thou seest him, tell him that I will be in the tavern, drinking wine in great plenty until my legs do the dance of a newly-born camel! And then my mind will turn to dark, vile thoughts and I'll start coveting my neighbour's oxen!!
That's breaking the Tenth Commandment, that is.
[giggles] And if there's time, I might even covet his donkey! And when I've finished coveting things, I might make a small statue out of wood and- and- and idolise it a bit!
You've got to watch yourself. God is a jealous God. You do that and he won't just get you, you know. According to the Second Commandment, he'll wipe out all your descendants.
Isn't that breaking the Sixth Commandment? 'Thou shalt not kill?'
It's not killing, it's genocide. I think that's okay.
According to the note, he's gone back to 23AD so he can "trash his reputation so this Christianity thingth never taketh off-ffff-ffff-ffff-ffffth"
What? No Christianity? What about Christmas? We've killed Wallace and Gromit!
Look, so some stupid people did some stupid things in your name. It's not your fault. You make a lot of people happy. I mean, look at me: I presumed that throughout history, all famous people were amazing. And then I met you! And I realised they're not. In fact you're a bit of a knob. Just like me. Which means that I'm okay.
Yeah, I don't wanna be me. I don't wanna walk down the street and have people say 'ooh, look there's the Jesus of Caesarea, the guy who caused all the wars!'
Jesus of Caesarea? You mean Jesus of Nazareth.
[incredulous] Jesus of Caesarea? Son of Rachel the Fornicator, Samuel the Chicken Stealer.
Samuel the Chicken Stealer?
He stole them, not me. Take it up with him. I'm always having to leg it because of him.
Erm, is Jesus quite a popular name around here?
Yeah, there's a few of us. There's Jesus, son of John with a funny nose.... Jesus, son of Luke, he wraps plant leaves around the feet of horses, about 70 of us at the last census.
[The Dwarfers look utterly defeated]
Does this mean I'm not the son of God?
[Lister nods]
Oh, bugger.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Red Dwarf pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.