"The Paris Hilton work was a low point for me. It wasn't what I wanted to be doing, and on top of that it caused me some real problems with my hair". [Puts book down. Audience laughs, but Preston looks angry] What? It's a good... Haven't you read it? I don't want to spoil the ending for you! [Audience laughs and applauds. Simon opens the book again] "The photo shoot was for the Daily Mail, which made me feel really posh and upmarket..."
Can I just ask...They get a serious question about politics, we get "Who pissed themselves?". "Who wee'd?", "Who weed, Bill. You simpleton from the woods. With your simple friends that you collected in a glade out in the woods"...They get, "Oh, who lobbied the government blah blah", a serious question for the proper people who've done charity and are all proper, but the monkey boys over here get "Who weed!". You snotty nosed, public school boy...
That was lovely. That was like two really jolly farmers singing at me ... Like you've just grown some excellent marrows and you're like, [He puts on a Cornish accent] "Let's turn up 'round Howard's house and sing him a little ditty...". [He pretends to open a door] You all right, lads?
Oh, so let's talk about things that might happen in the future!! Blimey, them new hover trousers are great, aren't they? Bonnie, how's the new perfume range?
They have, 'cause it's in the FUTURE!! He said it was the future!! The Time Lord! Yes, Bonnie's perfume is going very well, thank you, Simon. Now let's carry on as if nothing happened, nobody's any the wiser!!
Are we supposed to like Kate Nash? I haven't done this show for so long, I've forgotten who we're supposed to hate... I like her... is she on Facebook?
I hate that, people who... like, nick your herbs out of your trolley. You're planning a really nice casserole, you got all the herbs, and somebody nicks the herbs out of your trolley. It's not theft, technically, cause you haven't paid for it.
Now before we go any further, Mark Ronson, what did you do to Amy Winehouse? I met her before she met you, and all she ever dabbled with was a bit of jazz and boogie-woogie. Now, there's trumpets and drugs all over the place, it stinks of Ronson! That's all I'm saying.
I think trumpets and drugs have always gone hand-in-hand, it's nothing to do with me.
BBill
Drugs and trumpets always go...? Only someone with a big nose would snort cocaine through a trumpet! (under audience laughter and applause) That is a lot of suction!
Yeah, like non-branded lagers, four only... and, like... fruit...
BBill
(laughs) "Fruit"? That's not a rider, that's not very rock-and-roll! A rider's supposed to be like, you're supposed to go mental, have a swan carved out of ice, with baked beans on it and a Nissan Micra and a lifetime subscription to the Times Literary Supplement, not fruit!
Never Mind the Buzzcocks · 480 quotes
