Bill quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Simon

Do it again, Jamelia, do the sexy moves.

And I'll provide the eye candy.

Simon

[Reading in intro] "Love is like a butterfly..."?

You...put a pin through it's back.

Be nice to him.

Awwww, be nice to the baby-dangling freak....Sorry, sorry, it just slipped out.

Simon

He didn't mean it, did he? He loves that child. He just wanted the people to see! And if he drops it...so? The fans need something!

I forgot to tell you we've had a letter in the Daily Express! I'm very proud of this: "Why are so many BBC comedies unwatchable? Catherine Tate is full of swearing, and Never Mind The Buzzcocks contains gay filth!"

Phill

Well, done. Congratulations.

Congratulations on the gay filth!

Are you an actually an actual Falconer?

Yes.

Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuulll! FalcoFalcoFalcoFalcoFalcoFalco! Faaaaaaaaauuuulll! Hawks an, Hawks an, Hawks an, Hawks an, Hawks an, Falcons, Hawks and Falcons, Eagles, Eagles, Hawks and Falcons...Owls!

Simon

Was there ever any lewd behavior on Blue Peter?

Yeah, did it ever get blue?

Uh...well actually I tell you what, I ended up in a sauna once being whipped by the bus driver with some birch twigs...

[To Nerina] You can slag off anyone you like, with impunity. I'll start us off. Right: D'you hear this, right, the other day, Chris de Burgh on Loose Ends, he slagged me off. Ned goes "Blah blah blah, heard about that Bill Bailey?" in his way, and he goes "Yes. I've heard he's very ugly. And he hasn't got much hair."

Phill

Is that all that the troll had to work with?

That is all the-

Phill

Mono-brow freak monster.

Yeah. Mono-browed, nanny-shagging, toss-monger!!...Who has inflicted...his sentimental mewlings on a reluctant nation!!...[To Nerina] There you go, on you go.

It was groovy but it was a bit fast.

It was a bit fast, oh okay. Let's take it down. Let's lay it down. Let's take some juice out of the old mango.

You'd appreciate this, number two's quite cute, isn't he?

Simon

Yes, I would because I...am a homosexual.

No but, you'd...they won't know but he's quite nice, isn't he?

What d'you mean we won't know? We don't have to, you know, go over into the paddock to ride the horses.

Simon

I should explain...Donny is a punk. Just in case anyone didn't know!

Ah, it's 'cause I'm not wearing the mohican...that you might not understand.

Right, it's more inside. It's a philosophy.

It's like, it's like a spike inside your gut.

Yeah, it's like a mohican on your pancreas, man!

D'you know what, just 'cause you haven't got the hair to pull it off, it doesn't mean that you can't be it.

No, man. I'm wearing my mohican, like, on the back of my head. Fuck everything! See? Fuck things! Fuck everything! See, pencils! See? [He picks one up and snaps it] Fuck it!

Simon

Down with Thatcher!

Simon

There's a DJ Spoony on Radio One..

There is...who's the last one on at night?

Phill

Westwood.

Go to bed with Westwood, wake up with Moyles!

Bill Bailey

Waking up with Moyles? Ugh!

Noel

He's no spoon, is he?

No.

Noel

He's a shovel!

You know you'd be quite happy at home on the streets

Yeah...

Though not that many people'd take pity on you...'cause you're pretty ugly.

Oooh!

Simon

[To Donny] I should explain: Bill is a professional comedian... [Pause as Simon tries to contain his amusement at Donny's stupidity] you won't win!

Noel

Number five's not really been given a fair chance, has he? He's been given dungarees and a perm.

The international symbol of inbreeding.

Simon

How dare you!

Simon

Donny is unhappy...

No, that's bullshit, they didn't win. You gave them easier questions 'cause they're retards.

Simon

Punks love points...

Yeah, "Smash the system but...can he have another point?". You're about as punk as Enya!

Simon

I feel reluctant to say anything about Britney because this show doesn't go out for a couple of weeks and her story in the tabloids changes so often...maybe we should cover ourselves. I can't believe that picture of her with that cake up her bottom!

Blimey, maybe we should do something about Britney and that rare...bird...egg...

Simon

Unbelievably, she's the new voice of Carphone Warehouse! She's got her life back together and is now recording a new album?! Just in case...