With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus
With guests Nicholas Hoult, Midge Ure, Romeo Stodart, Russell Howard
[Opening the show, with a reference to Preston walking out in the previous show and some of the comments Preston made to the press about his treatment on the show]
Hello, and welcome to "budget, late-night indie-show" Never Mind the Buzzcocks. I'm "bitter, snotty-faced little public schoolboy" Simon Amstell, and I'd like to begin with an apology. On last week's show I upset Preston from Preston and Chantelle. I realise now they are better than me. Preston is a wonderful singer and Chantelle invented the popular saying "Oh my God!" I was unfair in my representation of Chantelle's book. It's not bad, there are some really interesting bits. (Pulls out Chantelle's book and starts to read from it) "Suddenly..." Okay! (Puts book down again) I hope we can all move on now!
Oooohhh, Vienna! And being Scottish it really does mean nothing to me! Phil's first guest is legendary Band Aid co-creator and former Ultravox frontman Midge Ure. Midge is also known for being the best mate of Sir Bob Geldof... and for his cheeky catchphrase "Where's my sodding knighthood?"
[Following from last show where Preston walked out]
I mean, I don't want to go on about it...but if people start turning their backs on comedy and walking off panel shows...then the terrorists have won.
[About a Billy Idol video]
BBill
There's a fantastic shot of a toaster that seems, uh...it's actually, it's the very rare, the genie of the toaster. It's uh, rub it three times: "I am the genie of the toaster! You have three wishes...providing they are of a...toast...based...nature..."...
BBill
Can I just ask...They get a serious question about politics, we get "Who pissed themselves?". "Who wee'd?", "Who weed, Bill. You simpleton from the woods. With your simple friends that you collected in a glade out in the woods"...They get, "Oh, who lobbied the government blah blah", a serious question for the proper people who've done charity and are all proper, but the monkey boys over here get "Who weed!". You snotty nosed, public school boy...
All right, what do you think we should do about nuclear waste?
BBill
I dunno, I don't care.
When I was younger, we didn't have to have drugs..
You had Ferrero Rocher didn't you?
[About Simon]
[In a posh voice] Hey lads, take your snuff, let's stay up till nine. You should ride to the studio on a swan next week.
I bloody would if the asylum seekers hadn't eaten them all.
Bob Geldof, I understand, has lobbied the government about nuclear waste, Midge.
Has he? Sir Bob Geldof?
Sir Bib Geldof, yes. What do you think we should do about the environment, Midge?
Give me a bloody knighthood and I'll tell you!
I don't think it works that way round, Midge! The Magic Numbers [Points to Romeo] were not on Live 8, Band 20... What was it called?
Oh, the record?
Why was this?
I've got no idea!
You were there! Didn't you produce the song?
No I was the executive producer which meant that I let someone else do all the work and I took all the credit!
Didn't Bob take all the credit?
Bob is...Bob is like a death eater from Harry Potter. "It's mine!"
That's what tonight is all about...having a wonderful time.
BBill
Yeah, let's not be negative.
I like everything...Do...D'you know everything? Well, I like it...You know all books? I like them all!
[About Bill and Romeo]
That was lovely. That was like two really jolly farmers singing at me ... Like you've just grown some excellent marrows and you're like, [He puts on a Cornish accent] "Let's turn up 'round Howard's house and sing him a little ditty...". [He pretends to open a door] You all right, lads?
BBill
Hello there!
[Holding pretend vegetables] Look at the size of them buggers!
[Following Preston storming off last episode]
[Talking about Sade]
In 1995, Sade performed at Live Aid, and said that afterward, she didn't get to meet any of the stars...she just sat in the green room with Midge Ure.
[Midge looks pissed off]
Stay where you are, Midge!
Wanker.
Yeah...good point.
[Trying to help Nick guess a band]
It's a youthful combo.
NNick
Youthful Combo..?
From Liverpool.
[Nick looks blank]
With a saxophone.
[Silence]
Called The Zutons.
How old are you, Nick?
NNick
Seventeen.
Seventeen, wow. You're really ruining my "I'm the young guy" thing here. Normally I get away with being the young person, being under thirty-five and able to name the Sugababes. Tonight I feel that Phill has seen what a real young person is and is going to stop loving me...I feel like Rudy from the Cosby show when she got old and grew a mustache.
[Following Preston storming off last episode]
I do not want you to worry about this, Nicholas Hoult. This does not affect anything in your life. We are just having fun.
NNick
I just want to go home...
Don't you move!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Never Mind the Buzzcocks pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.