Now you've got a boatload of live cargo -- a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears. It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or...
CCrow
...or call PETA!
S3Teenage Caveman
[Ross is violently manhandling a bear cub]
What I wouldn't give to see that cub's mom show up right about now, huh, guys?
Teenage Caveman (movie)
[A desolate prehistoric valley is shown.]
CCrow
How green was my valley?
Not very.
This script is like a telephone directory!
CCrow
But not as interesting.
[it's raining outside of the Satellite and the crew is bored]
Why don't you boys play Hungry Hungry Hippoes?
Oh; we lost all the marbles.
Hey, Magic Voice; don't suppose you know where our Mouse Trap game is, do you?
I didn't play with it last.
CCrow
[sighs] The pieces are missing anyway.
Well, why don't you read a book?
[as he and the Bots scoff and protest] Oh, gag me... no way!
Well, I don't know what you're going to do then. It's Commercial Sign in five seconds.
Maybe we could play some poker.
Poker? What's poker?
[as Joel and the Bots agree on the poker idea] You boys be nice to Gypsy.
[helping instruct Gypsy through the game, whispering] Gypsy, just tell 'em what you want to do and keep your poker face on.
[I'm] in!
CCrow
Let's see, what to do...
[cheerfully] Richard Basehart! Richard Basehart!
CCrow
[disgusted, after seeing Gypsy's hand] Oh, I fold!
[disappointed] Aw, Gypsy, you wrecked it; you had a great hand!
[Dr. Forrester and Frank argue over who gets to present their invention]
I've just about had enough [out] of you; smart boy.
TSTV's Frank
[defiantly, pulling out a switch-knife] Oh yeah?! I'm gonna cut you, man. I'm gonna cut ya! I'll carve you a second smile, daddy-o!
I don't think so! [the argument starts devolving into conflicting screaming at each other]
[up on the Satellite] What in the sam scratch is goin' on down there?
I dunno, but I don't like it; not one bit.
S3War of the Colossal Beast
[Confused about a name in the opening credits]
What does "A.S.C." mean?
"A sick cookie".
Oh.
JSJoel, Servo, Crow
[singing to the background music in the opening credits]
Come on and buy some crap from us
You know that you want to
And the white race will salute you
As you prance and gad about!
[A large, bleacher-like musical staff appears, and an unseen female voice speaks.]
Boy! Am I glad to see you!
CCrow
Well, it's not mutual!
Knew your father, I did!
Hey, leave my father out of this!
And your grandfather! And don't be too sure I wasn't in the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Adam!
Yeah, you were the snake!
The spirit of music's inside all of you.
CCrow
No, I bathe.
In you... (points to the right while Servo makes missile noises) In you... (points to the left while Servo makes missile noises) In all of you! (Points straightforward while Crow imitates a missile hitting and Joel acts like he's hit)
[At the high school hallway, student Jim shows his new clarinet while Buzz watches.]
JAJoel [as Jim]
Got it from the Franklin Mint!
[Popular high school girl Jeannie approaches Buzz invitingly]
JJeanie
Wanna come? We could dance!
CACrow [as Buzz]
Don't hit me!
BBuzz
No thanks... well... I mean I've got a lot of reading to do. You know, that big history essay...
JJeanie
But that's not due for two weeks!
BBuzz
I know Jeanie... but I...
SAServo [as Buzz]
...I gotta finish my letter to Jodie Foster.
JAJoel [as Buzz]
[in a whiny voice] That hurt. I'm all messed up inside. If only an androgynous man would come and visit me...
Meanwhile, the Midvale police visit his locker. Find out why they call him "Buzz".
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.