Did you know that everyday someone loses a sale...
CACrow [as Bueller]
...or an arm...
S3Earth vs. the Spider
[Bueller gestures toward a rack holding three placards that say: "Heard", "Understood", and "Pleasing".]
Now, remember these three points: you must be heard, you must be understood, and you must be pleasing.
SAServo [as Bueller]
Oh, and you must have a wire rack.
Do you know...
CACrow [as Bueller]
...that I have little bunnies painted on my knees? I do.
[Bueller shows a clip of a man stammering through a speech, showing us what not to do]
M1Man #1
Well, uh, the fact is, we, uh, we spent, er, many nights in the, uh, um, well...
CACrow [as Man #1]
Uh... er... panties!
[After Bueller's second monologue about "heard," "understood" and "pleasing"]
Now, let's look at another typical example.
[Cut to a young woman giving a speech.]
CACrow [as Bueller]
This man is wearing a push-up bra. Now he is pleasing.
[Another speaker mumbles through the side of his mouth while addressing a table of people.]
M2Man #2
Funny ting happem up dere 't da station, See, A wash sittin dere waitin' for d'fellas when...
CACrow [as Man #2]
Duh, I was under da bleachers at da ball game, and dat's when da cop chased me 'n' asked me what I was doin'...
M2Man #2
I shaid mishter, ah shaid mishter, dis, dis ishn't your seat, see ah' been sittin' here whol' lot longer 'n' you sheem t' think ah have, and...
Ah, Garrison Keillor.
Many of his listeners won't be able to understand him, and those that do...
JAJoel [as Bueller]
...will wish he were dead.
Earth vs. the Spider (movie)
[Trapped in the giant "web", a heavyset, dark curly-haired man is attacked by the spider.]
No, Dr. Erhardt, no! So that's what happened to him!
Wow.
CACrow [as Dr. Erhardt]
Enjoy! [N]
[Joel mentions KISS]
CCrow
[sighs] Joel, I hate to break it to you: KISS were NEVER cool!
[The camera pans onto a victim of the spider: a shriveled-up corpse completely drained of blood.]
CCrow
It's Rose Kennedy!
S3Teenage Caveman
AAnnouncer
Where's the third fellow? He's chicken -- never jumped at all.
CACrow [as Announcer]
What's this? He's forced his way into the announcer's booth. What's that in his hand? Oh no! Aah!
[Joel or Servo makes gunshot noises.]
Forget about life-jackets this is The 50's.
Catching Trouble (short)
[Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.]
Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received.
JAJoel [as Ted Husing]
Kill Colonel Kurtz!
It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers."
CACrow [as Groucho Marx]
And two hard-boiled eggs.
SAServo [as Harpo Marx]
Honk!
CACrow [as Groucho Marx]
Make that three hard-boiled eggs. [N]
[A bobcat runs up a tree to escape Ross.]
Hey, Mister Cat, you can't do that! Don't you know you're wanted in Chicago?
SAServo [as Husing]
For voting twice?
Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time.
CACrow [as Bobcat]
Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race!
[Ross finally catches and bags the bobcat.]
Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next?
Hurting the people you know and love?
CCrow
Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.