Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes

I'm gonna join Reel Big Fish.

Hey Dizzy, it's your cousin, Marvin. Marvin Gillespie? You know that new sound you been looking for? Well listen to this!

Every television show begins with a title. Often, it's a card on an easel.

Whoa! Don't give away all the secrets!

... in the studio well before airtime, and each area is set up for the camera so that the program can proceed smoothly.

[during a shot of five cards on screen] They are beige to show off on your glorious color TV.

... in this table of grain samples, since our Better Breakfast story begins with cereal grains.

And ends with malt liquor.

Today's wide variety of ready to eat and hot breakfast cereals is made from these great grains.

I mean, they're fine...

Barley...

Servo

Barely.

Corn...

Which is better on the cob.

Oats...

Worthless without Hall.

Rice...

Servo

The pigeon exploder.

And wheat, or combinations of them.

Call me when you got sorghum.

The United States Department of Agriculture says cereal breakfast products are an important food use of the grains we grow.

And it's not a conflict of interest at all.

There are many different kinds of wheat...

Corn wheat, barley wheat, rice wheat...

And it is raised in a wide area.

Eat too much wheat, and you'll have a wide area.

Cereals are flaked...

Folded...

Granulated...

Servo

Spindled...

Puffed...

Mutilated...

Shredded...

Humiliated...

And rolled.

Servo

And thrown away!

Whole grain, enriched or restored breakfast cereals are included in one of the four main food groups recommended by government nutrition experts in a daily food guide.

Servo

Government can't tell me not to eat batteries!

Well, that's our health and nutrition television program, Better Breakfasts, USA.

It was immediately canceled.

Servo

No Black History Month, but they learned about grain.

Hi, you're watching Turkey Day, here on Comedy Central. Turkey fact number 12: if you leave turkeys out in the rain, they'll drown. Stupid jerks.

Well, I'm glad to see you're finally focusing on something besides ruining people's Thanksgivings.

Uh, yeah, right.

So, how's the parade going? What did I miss?

Oh, you missed that crappy caterpillar they repaint every year, the quick bunny balloon, and about 2000 of the worst clowns I've ever seen.

Look, it's the Underdog balloon! Oh, this is great! He's my favorite! You know, this is starting to really feel like Thanksgiving!

Yes it is. [pushes a button on a remote detonator, causing an explosion] Die, boy, die!

Oh my God I don't believe it- oh this is awful! Oh- falling down in a terrible- oh it's the worst thing of- OH THE HUMANITY!!! [sobbing]

Slight the turkey, Frank. He must die, so that we may live.

Well, kiddies, I'm sorry, but I'm going to be pulling the plug on your all-too-precious Thanksgiving. We won't be watching E.T. Instead, we're going to be watching this crumby Czechoslovakian ripoff called Pod People.

Oh, come on. I thought we were going to have the TV off after dinner.

If anyone's interested, I'm going to be reading from Dylan Thomas's enchanting work titled A Child's Christmas in Wales.

Ooh!

Oh, I don't think so, Jack. I wouldn't call that good TV.

Oh, that cuts it! If anyone's interested, Jack is going to be doing his reading in the kitchen. Come on. [everyone else leaves the room]

Well, at least you and I can watch this together. If you're wondering in your family whether to watch my show, Mystery Science Theater 3000, or E.T.: the Extraterrestrial, make things go your way and spoil things for your friends and family by telling them at the end of the movie, E.T. goes home. Ball's in your court, Spielberg! Oh and by the way, I'm dating Amy Irving, and she's hot.

[drunk and wandering over to the camera] Hello, Linda Ellerbee, if you are out there, I've got something to say to you. Isn't it ironic that I'm pulling out about six figures a year in my cushy cable job, while you're out there peddling Maxwell House co- [Forrester shocks him with a cattle prod] AAAGH!

Heh... he's a bit into the Harvey's Bristol Cream.

Frank, get rid of him, or I will.

So, how'd the experiment go?

Fine, Frank. Just fine.

You were sorely missed. Everyone at Thanksgiving dinner asked for you.

Frank, I was right here. I don't understand it, after beaming 26 straight hours of our Turkey Day marathon across the country, Atlanta should be burning by now.

[sighs] It was the greatest dinner party I have ever given. Even grander than last April's hat party. Hmm. What did you think?

Frank, I'm a scientist. I don't have time to think.

Oh, someone's over-tired. Why don't you put your stuff away and get some sleep, Steve?

I just don't know, I don't know what I did!

Look, you didn't get much to eat. Here, I made you a snack. [offers an apple] Want some?

[slaps the apple away] I don't have time for a snack, I- Frank, THAT'S IT! Daddy-O! YES! FRANK, YOU'RE BRILLIANT, I COULD KISS- right! Daddy-O!

Come on, Papa, eat.

I failed, Frank. How hard could it be to take over the world? Piece of cake, right?

Oh, come on, don't be so hard on yourself. You just did a 30 hour marathon of your most diabolical experiments ever, I mean not just any stiff could pull that off.

No, Frank, you're the trooper here. You put on that great spread, and the place looked great, and you looked great, and... I just wanna tell you Frank, I really admire you.

Thanks Steve. Takes a big man to admit that.

No, Frank, I mean it. You're a real booster. You know, I think I'll have a piece of that pumpkin pie.

[nervously chuckling] Well I... used that on my sandwich- don't have any left...

Oh, no matter. Minced meat it is, then.

[nervously chuckling] ... added to a shake... not any left... I didn't...

Start running, Frank.

Yes sir.