[The opening card reads "ANHEUSER-BUSCH, INCOPORATED Manufacturers of Quality Low Temperature Cabinet Makers presents"]
Oh yeah, and high-octane suds! Woo!
“The Dead Talk Back” · Season 6
In this episode: Tom Servo (13), Mike Nelson (13), Crow T. Robot (12), Narrator (11), Gypsy (1), Dr. Clayton Forrester (1), TV's Frank (1)
[As cardboard cut-outs of the main focus points of the short appear one-by-one]
You, the ice cream manufacturer.
CCrow
Up against the wall! Spread 'em!
You...
Me?
...the frozen food distributor.
Ben and Jerry before Woodstock.
And you, the food retailer.
CACrow [as announcer]
These three people will square off against--
Yes, today's problem is merchandising...
Over three kinds of vanilla!
...to sell in high volume, for high profit.
CCrow
For high people.
[Cut to a shot of a stack of ice cream boxes]
Frozen products are impulse items...
I'll take it, I'll take it!
And impulse buying is primarily...
Women's fault.
[The stack suddenly drops]
...an emotional decision.
CCrow
The market crashed!
[Showing an artist designing a ice cream package]
Manufacturers spend millions on package design.
SAServo [as Narrator]
Yet, this is the result.
[As a freezer fades in with no lights surrounding it, everyone imitates the theme from "2001: A Space Odyssey".]
Yes, this is the answer: a real selling wizard.
[The lights go on]
Are we in heaven?
CCrow
[as the lights finish] Rip-off!
It's a little big; I just want a hotplate!
And what's the first feature that makes a selling wizard?
Bosoms!
Sales appeal styling.
CCrow
Or "S. A. S."
[Talking about the advantage of easily taking inventory with the freezer]
One glance, and you know if the cabinet requires filling.
Just one glance, don't look back.
[Noticing a box in the freezer]
This is frozen cotton?
And notice how these convient horizontal wire shelves put your product always within buying range.
GIVE IT TO ME! GIMME!
They may be removed entirely for loading to full-cabient capacity.
CCrow
But don't put your tongue on it!
[The camera pans down, showing the "Selling Wizard's" lovely gams]
CCrow
Boy, she's got a big scab on her knee.
Gentlemen! If you please!
MAMike [as Narrator]
You filthy degenerates!
[The Narrator is describing the good points of a freezer]
Yes, on every count...
MAMike [as Narrator]
Guilty!
Next step, open a grocery store.
This freezer rules!
[Showing how a forced-air conditioner works]
This simplified sketch showing a cross-section of the cabinet...
...makes no sense.
. . .
CCrow
(Midwestern accent) Ah, better plug in the car.
. . .
(singing) And it comes out here...
. . .
WHERE'S MY ICE CREAM?!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.