[A caroling on the SOL has broken into a riot.]
We'll be right back... I think. Noel!
“Santa Claus” · Season 5
In this episode: Mike Nelson (11), Crow T. Robot (7), Tom Servo (7), Narrator (3), Gypsy (1), Dr. Clayton Forrester (1), Magic Voice (1), Pitch (1)
[On the SOL, the gang is having a gift exchange.]
Open mine, Mike! Open mine!
Oh, the big one! Okay. [He opens a box] Oh, wow! Great sweater, Gyps. Thanks! [He holds it up] Look at that, it says "Joike" on it.
Yeah, well, I started knitting it for the other guy a long time ago, and then, and then, well, you know.
[At Santa's Toyland, boys and girls from all over the world sing as Santa plays his organ.]
SAServo [as Santa]
[singing] Ho, ho, ho, ho, staying alive, staying alive...
. . .
[Over Spain]
MCMike, Crow, Servo
[singing along] I love him, I love him, and where he goes, I'll follow...
. . .
[Over China]
[singing] We are forced to sing...
CCrow
Hey, could we move on to a country with some rhythm?
. . .
Boys and girls from England.
CCrow
...have rotten teeth.
SAServo [as Santa]
Feel it! Get down with your bad Santa self!
. . .
Japan also helps Santa.
MAMike [as Narrator]
By investing in his toy corporation, they now own Santa lock, stock, and barrel.
. . .
Talented children from the Orient.
CCrow
...are not here today.
Um, uh, you're dancing on my keyboard.
SAServo [as Santa]
[singing] Get it on in the morning now!
. . .
Even Russia has a delegation.
CCrow
Currently under surveillance by the CIA.
MAMike [as Narrator]
Santa makes them work 16 hours a day for $2 an hour.
. . .
The group from France.
...stinks to high heaven!
. . .
[Over Germany]
CACrow [as General Burkhalter]
Klink, you are a terrible singer!
MAMike [as Col. Klink]
You're absolutely right! I am a terrible singer!
CACrow [as General Burkhalter]
How would you like to sing at the Russian front?
MAMike [as Col. Klink]
Well, my father was a very famous conductor...
CACrow [as General Burkhalter]
Shut up!
I just wanna know one thing: When are Donny and Marie coming through the door?
. . .
Here's a happy song from Italy.
[sings random Italian gibberish]
CCrow
So is this neorealism?
SAServo [as Don Corleone]
Okay, we're gonna whack Santa. He's trying to muscle in on the Easter Bunny's turf.
Okay, great. You've offended everyone now.
. . .
The islands of the Caribbean.
...have nothing to do with this movie.
SAServo [as a Jamaican]
Legalize it, mon!
[singing] Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights...
SAServo [as Ed McMahon]
Next up in the junior vocalist category: Thailand!
. . .
The South American group includes Brazil and Argentina.
And a few other countries not worth mentioning right now.
CCrow
Ho! Santa's doing the forbidden dance!
. . .
The countries of Central America.
...are a threat to Santa's vital security interests.
Hey, those are the same kids from the other countries! They'll be playing the Egyptians next.
. . .
CCrow
Hooray!
Yay! USA! Woo!
The children of the USA.
CCrow
...are too spoiled and lazy to help Santa. There, that makes it better.
. . .
A neighborly group of children from Mexico.
CCrow
...are over-accessorized.
[The devil is encouraging a girl to steal].
Don't listen to him, Lupita! It's bad to steal, and you'll be sorry!
CCrow
Ah, the classic battle between evil and the narrator.
That's right, Lupita, put it back.
[The girl puts the doll back and goes to her smiling mother].
CACrow [as mother]
Way to defeat Satan, honey.
[muttering angrily to himself] Curses! Wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-Curses!
[bewildered] Oh, don't ever do that again.
[Santa's observatory is filled with magical equipment enabling him to spy on all the children of Earth.]
[cheerfully] Santa's tendrils reach far and wide. There is no hiding from the K.L.A.U.S. Organization.
[Santa eavesdrops on the bad children.]
SBSecond boy
[over radio] Anyway, Santa doesn't care about us. He's too far away.
SAServo [as Santa Claus]
They're on to me! Into the escape pod!
[noting the Italian-looking names in the credits]
CCrow
This is a fascist Santa!
Yeah, at the end, Santa gets hung upside down.
Well, at least he made the sleigh rides run on time.
[In "Hades," a number of devils cavort in a poorly-choreographed fashion]
Oh, I suppose Hell got an NEA grant!
[During a dream sequence of opening boxes with people inside]
MAMike [as announcer]
It's your new mom! [Crow imitates audience roaring]
[A girl is dreaming of performing in front of a row of identical boxes.]
Pick your refrigerator, Lupita!
[Several children are writing.]
CACrow [as children]
Call me Ishmael... I was born in a house my father built... The minute Yossarian...
. . .
CCrow
[sings] I've written a letter to Daddy...
[Two young boys stand at a mailbox, mailing their letters to Santa Claus.]
MAMike [as boy]
I'm tellin' ya, Pepe, these Comedy Central contests are a waste of time!
[Letters to Santa arrive at the North Pole.]
CACrow [as Santa]
Ho ho ho! There's a dollar in every one! My chain letter scam worked!
PPedro
What kind of food do they eat on earth, Santa?
SCSanta Claus
Oh, everything in sight! They eat most of the animals, the birds, the plants, the roots, the fish, even smoke and alcohol!
SAServo [as Santa Claus]
And they eat at Hardee's!
[Santa winds his reindeer (which are all apparently wind up toys) and they begin to move.]
This isn't charming at all! It's creepy!
[Santa begins to laugh as he watches the reindeer]
CCrow
Oh, when Santa laughs, the whole world shakes its head.
[The reindeer begins to laugh in a very unnatural way]
SMServo, Mike, and Crow
He, he haha, hahaha, [laughing turns into terrified screams] AHHHHH! AAHHHHHH!!!
[Santa is still laughing]
[scared] What's happening?!
[Scene cuts to a shot of the wall behind the sleigh and there is a pentagram-like symbol on the wall.]
A pentagram, and reindeer laughing... you figure it out.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.