[The credits display: "Laserblast".]
CCrow
Terrible name for laser eye surgery… scares away the customers.
“Laserblast” · Season 7
In this episode: Mike Nelson (31), Crow T. Robot (28), Tom Servo (27), Meacham (10), Exeter (10), Joe (3), Dr. Clayton Forrester (1), Kathy (1)
[A mutated man tries to hide from a spaceship, with a laser cannon attached to his arm.]
SAServo [as Elmer Fudd]
I'm hunting spacecwaft...hehehehehehe.
. . .
[A closeup of the man reveals his gaunt complexion and the disc-shaped apparatus on top of the laser cannon on his arm.]
Edward CDplayerhands.
[After a scene with the aliens, followed by an unrelated scene with Billy's mother leaving for Acapulco, the film fades to another seemingly unrelated shot of a van driving along the road.]
Well, now on to movie three!
[Twenty minutes into the movie, and nothing important has happened. Billy is hanging around a gas station.]
So, let's recap the movie so far: somebody went to Acapulco, and somebody almost bought gas.
[Shortly after finding a laser cannon in the desert, Billy begins hopping around oddly and pretending to blow stuff up.]
BBilly
Pow! Pa-pow!
After all that, it's "pa-pa-pow".
Once you're past the age of 11, you should not say "pow".
CCrow
Won't he be surprised to learn that it doesn't go "pow" but "fffwissshh"!
[Billy continues to prance about the desert with the laser cannon on his arm, moving rather daintily.]
He's performing Frampton Comes Alive!
...So, it's a thing that makes you waltz.
[Billy gleefully blasts away at shrubs and sand with said cannon.]
MAMike [as Billy]
Yeah... I think you are gonna detail my van for seventy-five dollars!
[A cake is brought out at the pool party, causing an overexcited reaction from the partygoers]
CCrow
Teens love their cake pool party!
[At a pool party, Chuck is serving hot dogs to a good-looking girl in a bikini.]
CChuck
Whoa, mama. Wouldn't Chuck like to give you his red hot frank.
GGirl
From what I hear, Chucky, it ain't so hot.
CACrow [as Chuck]
She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke!
. . .
[Chuck pushes the girl into the pool.]
MAMike [as Chuck]
There! I think I've taught you not to rebuff my wiener innuendo!
[Billy's and girlfriend Kathy's hands are shown roving over each other's exposed skin in an intimate moment between the two while Mike and the 'bots express their repulsion.]
CCrow
This movie means two things to me: sheet cake and back fat!
[As the ending credits roll, Mike leafs through a copy of Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide.]
OK, let's look in Maltin's book here, uh he gave this two-and-a-half stars... ooh, My Favorite Year barely edges it out with three stars.
CCrow
Huh.
Look here, Hannah and her Sisters is superior only by one star.
Oh wow.
CCrow
[watching the film] Oh great, now a tire fire starts just off camera!
[Tom coughs. Mike turns a page.]
OK. Umm, ah, look, hey--Leonard Maltin gave the same two-and-a-half stars to My Dinner With Andre.
CCrow
Uhh--
[disgusted] Name of the Rose... this is a better film than Name of the Rose! It only got two stars!
CCrow
Being There, two stars.
Uh, Lucas Tanner the movie was directed by Richard Donner... I just thought I'd point that out.
Oh. Good.
Lemme see here...
CCrow
[reading the credits] Y'mean, y'mean to tell me that Ron Masak and Eddie Deezen get billing over Roddy McDowall?
Look Mike, Birdman of Alcatraz, three stars. Marginally better than Laserblast.
CCrow
[still reading the credits] They spelled Roddy McDowall's name wrong...
[leaning in] What else you got?
Oh, here we go, Full Metal Jacket, three stars.
CCrow
Hm?
Shame, isn't it.
Oh, hey, Seven Samurai, two stars.
CCrow
[incredulous] What?!
I'm kidding.
CCrow
Oh.
I hope so.
According to this, A Fish Called Wanda was as good a film as Laserblast.
CCrow
[dismissive] D'oh...
Broadcast News, Witness, three stars--barely superior to Laserblast.
Mm-hm.
CCrow
Same for Diner.
Yeah, hm. Oh, here we go--this was a better movie than Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
CCrow
Well, that's possible...
And the same caliber as Last Crusade--two-and-a-half stars.
Oh. And, uh, and yet: Blame It On the Bellboy... four stars.
[unbelieving] Where?
CCrow
[incredulous] What?
No, I'm kidding.
Oh, you... You... jeez...
So, Kim Milford's greasy, pop-eyed performance was every bit as good as F. Murray Abraham's tortured performance as Salieri in Amadeus.
CCrow
According to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike.
Bagdad Café, brilliant subtle comedy--no better than Laserblast.
Here's where it gets hard--Harry and the Hendersons is every bit as good as Laserblast.
CCrow
Carson McCullers' classic The Heart is a Lonely Hunter--no better than Laserblast.
[Servo notices Mike is hiding something and tries to read it.]
[reluctant] No, no--
Uhp, John Schlesinger's Oscar-winning thriller Marathon Man--on par with Laserblast, two-and-a-half stars.
Right, so Laurence Olivier's chilling performance as Szell, the White Angel, no better than the butt-faced sheriff in Laserblast.
CCrow
Again, according to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike.
OK, ah--
Ah, look here, look here, Outlaw Josey Wales AND Unforgiven! Oscar-winner. Quintessential Westerns, Eastwood at his finest. However, I think you know where we're headed with this, Mike.
Uh, yeah...
SMServo, Mike
Same as Laserblast--
Two-and-a-half stars.
Oh, here we go, here's a couple more. Sophie's Choice--
Uh huh.
Uh... here's one, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory--
No!
The Great Santini--
Oh, I can't believe that!
All two-and-a-half stars.
Two-and-a-half stars.
The same quality.
CCrow
Ace by the way.
Yes, Ace.
[as they leave] Peers to Laserblast.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie
Dum-da-dum-dum-dum.... oh, hello Mike! Everything working fine on the ol' Satellite of Love? No problems or mishaps today?
Nope, everything appears to be nominal.
Ah, nominal! Good! Good! So I guess you're not wondering what that rhythmic pounding might be?
[listens] Yeah, what is that?
Yeah, what is that? I'm a highly sophisicated robot, Mike, and I've got to tell you, this isn't normal. Something's causing this, Mike. Now, let's see... I'm here, you're here, Gypsy's here....
Okay, Tom. Where's Crow?
Where's Crow? Well, I wasn't supposed to say anything, but I did see the little moron heading to the basement with a pickaxe in his hands!
[Crow breaches the satellite's hull as he tries to escape, causing the air to be sucked out]
CCrow
Woah, I didn't expect this!
Attaining.... maximum RPM.... adjust pitch and yaw thrusters..... stabilize! There, that ought to [gets sucked towards hole] AAAAAAAAAAH!!!
. . .
CCrow
Well, this is confusing! Mike, could you hand me my calculations?
[A wad of paper is blown across the bay and hits Crow in the face.]
CCrow
Thank you! Huh, would you look at that: "Breach Hull - All Die"! Even had it underlined!
. . .
[Servo lands right-side up on the hole]
Hey, I'm experiencing a sensation altogether new to me, and frankly... I LOVE IT!
. . .
[Crow explains his unsuccessful attempt to burrow a way out of the Satellite of Love.]
CCrow
Believe me, Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding against the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid… and I went ahead anyway.
Now, prepare yourself for... oh, but before I start the experiment... did you... y'know, go?
MCMike, Crow, Servo
[dejected] Yes...
Becuase I don't want to have to stop the movie for... y'know...
MCMike, Crow, Servo
You won't...
Then, prepare yourself for This Island Earth!
[Universal International credit appears on screen, as well as a globe-like Earth]
CCrow
It's the nicest weather Earth has ever had!
Notice how big Japan is?
[Universal International credit appears on screen]
Isn't the fact that it's Universal make it International?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.