[Watching the title credit]
You know, Being from Another Planet, I didn't have much to do with this.
“Being from Another Planet” · Season 4
In this episode: Crow T. Robot (11), Tom Servo (8), Joel Robinson (7), Dr. Clayton Forrester (1), TV's Frank (1), Bill Dudley (1), Linda (1)
[Establishing shot of hospital]
...and now, Trapper John, M.D.!
CCrow
Boy, Tra-Trapper John, M.D. lives right next door to Medical Center!
Yeah!
TSTV's Frank
[introducing figurines he and Dr. Forrester call Tragic Moments, panning to a figure of a crying boy cradling the body of his dead dog] Sure, Grandma will cry when she sees her lovely gift, but for very different reasons. This first one is entitled "Sparky's Last Romp"; and these beautiful, handcrafted figurines depict little Billy's first hard lesson in life, plus what happens when a dog teases a cow way past the breaking point.
Others in the collection include He Raises a Hand in Anger, World's Deadest Grandma and Dad's Liquid Breakfast.
CCrow
[as Joel and the Bots voice their disapproval] You should be locked up for being that evil!
[Joel is demonstrating his Invention Exchange presentation: a Jack Palance impersonation kit]
It makes anything you say worth listening to; isn't that right?
CCrow
[using the impersonation kit] I just purchased a new shovel today. Its cost: 15 dollars. Believe it... or not.
Or you can use it to scare your friends. [to Servo] Hey, is your name said Jack Palance or Jack Pa-lance?
[using the kit] That- would be a decision for you to make. Choose wisely...
[reading over the cast names] James Karen? Boy, he has an identity problem.
Sam Chew [Jr]?
CCrow
Gesundheit.
Thank you.
[two main characters discover a tomb while the camera shifts to skeletal remains with its jaw open]
CCrow
[as skelton/Martha Raye] Hi, I'm Martha Raye, the Big Mouth!
[Peter has brought the stolen mummy crystals to a jeweler for appraisal]
JJeweler
Worthless.
PPeter
Worthless?!
SAServo [as Jeweler]
Yeah, your career, that is.
PPeter
What do you mean worthless?!
JJeweler
I mean they're not precious.
SAServo [as Jeweler]
You're precious.
PPeter
They're 3000 years old! They're ancient, man!
JJeweler
Well, who told you that? Some hustler in a swap meet?
CCrow
I don't read Hustler.
PPeter
Forget it! [takes the crystals back]
I'm gonna find those strawberries...
PPeter
Clown!
JAJoel [as Jeweler]
Take that back, or I'll squirt you with my flower!
[during a radio show]
And now, a special message for those naughty boys and girls who took the institute's mummy. Here's my in-studio guest, our own Professor Douglas McCadden.
CCrow
Wow, hot show.
DDouglas
Thank you very much, Linda. To whom it may concern...
CCrow
[as Douglas] GIVE IT BACK, GIVE IT BACK, YOU SONS OF-!!!
[as Linda Flores (portrayed by Shari Belafonte-Harper) is shown working as a university radio disc jockey]
[as Linda] Now here's The Banana Boat Song by a little someone I'd like to call Dad.
CCrow
[the mummy reappears on-screen] Oh no; it's that thing again! The thing that's grinding the plot to nowhere!
[Bill has been stood up by a woman at a fraternity party]
BBill
Damn! That's it. I'm through with women! I'm gonna be a priest! [is suddenly surrounded by multiple girls who greet him]
CACrow [as a girl]
Oh, a priest? We love priests!
JAJoel [as a girl]
[seductively] Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned!
CACrow [as a girl]
Oooh, I'm about to.
[one of the scientists rushes to claim a stray crystal for the mummy's (actually a space alien's) device that got left behind]
Big mistake.
[the scientist's hand starts to corrode from a flesh-eating virus from the crystal as he cries out in agony]
CCrow
They're not supposed to melt your hand.
Hate that; the Claw.
[over the credits] You know, I think this is the worst movie we've ever seen here.
Really? What about Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy?
Worse (than that), worse.
CCrow
What about Sidehackers?
Worse.
Cave Dwellers?
Worse.
CCrow
Catalina Caper?
Worse.
Pod People?
Worse!
CCrow
Hellcats?
Oh, worse.
Daddy-O?
Worse!
CCrow
Rocket Attack USA?
Worse.
Earth vs. the Spider?
Definitely worse.
CCrow
Ring of Terror?
Worse!
It Conquered the World?
Uh... yeah, worse!
The Manchingo Coniglium?
[uncertain] Oh, huh?
CCrow
Hey, Teenagers from Outer Space was much, much better!
[This movie]'s a ton worse.
CCrow
How about The Castle of Fu Manchu?
Okay, I'll grant you The Castle of Fu Manchu was just as bad, but we've never done a worse film!
[Dr. Forrester jams Frank's Thighmaster through his head as punishment for letting himself be goaded into yet again nearly freeing Joel and the bots]
I may not have been born with a lobotomy, but now I can look like I was. [collapses onto the button to end the experiment]
[Joel attempts to cheer up Crow and Servo from the rough mood the film has left them in (complete with clowns displayed on the Holo-View screen), only for it to start falling flat]
Y'know, putting all the different fun things in one room eventually leaves you feeling kinda hollow, doesn't it?
[while the holo-clowns look at the group] What are you lookin' at?!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.