Joel Robinson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

You hypocrite!

S1 The Crawling Eye

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CCCommando Cody

Do you mind telling me why your men are carrying out that campaign of destruction on Earth?

SAServo [as Retik]

It's an election year.

RRetik

Not at all. They are merely softening up your defenses for our impending invasion.

CCCommando Cody

Why do you want to invade the Earth?

RRetik

Because the atmosphere on the Moon has become so thin and dry, it is impossible for us to raise food, except in pressurized greenhouses.

JAJoel [as Cody]

Get a humidifier!

The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (movie)

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[Dr. Almada voices-over scenes of the doomed romance between Aztec maiden Xochi and warrior Popoca.]

ADr. Almada

So they decided to run away, even though it was her sacred duty to preserve her maidenhood and be sacrificed to the god Tezcatlipoca.

JAJoel [as Dr. Almada]

The god of decaffeinated coffee.

ADr. Almada

They were discovered by the tribal priests.

[A priest receives a steaming bowl, turning to the restrained Popoca to force-feed him.]

SAServo [as Dr. Almada]

They prepared hearty soups and broths and forced them on their guests, for they truly knew how to handle a hungry man.

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[The evil Dr. Krupp unveils his creation, a "human robot".]

KDr. Krupp

Tonight I'm going to put it to the supreme test!

Joel

The Cosmo sex quiz?

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[Joel and the bots succeed in shooing away the Demon Dogs by firing a ball-shaped probe into space for the dogs to fetch]

Joel

Alright, they're gone!

Joel, I don't mean to be a killjoy; but doesn't fetch mean "go get and bring back"?

Joel

D'oh!

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Come 'n' listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,

A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.

Then one day, he was shootin' at some food...

[Suddenly, Jed spots Wolfman Petro, who also spies him through the mist.]

Joel

[singing] And up from the swamp came a big, ugly dude.

Wolfman, that is.

Joel

Black teeth.

JSJoel, Servo

Gnarled face.

[Petro begins to advance on Jed, who turns and flees.]

[singing]

S1 Mad Monster

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PBProf. Blaine

Mingling the blood of man and beast is downright sacrilege!

Joel

Tell that to the NFL!

S1 Mad Monster

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[Running gag: Anytime Lt. Bradley attempts comic relief.]

JSJoel, Servo, and Crow

SHUT UP!!!

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[Joel presents a last-minute Invention Exchange item; a roll of toilet paper inside a two liter soda bottle]

EDr. Ernhardt

Well, I guess that could come in handy; as a molotov cocktail or something...

Joel

[disgusted] You two are unbelievable! You could make Tiddly-winks sound evil!

Dr. Forrester and Dr. Ernhardt: [cheerfully] Thank you!

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[the Asimov doomsday device goes off, but all it does is give the S.o.L. crew labcoats and sideburns]

Joel

This cockamamie satellite turned us all into duplicate Isaac Asimovs!

CCrow

D'you think it's a conspiracy?

[speaking like Asimov] No; I tackled the 'conspiracy' topic in my volume set on Assassinations and Coups.

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LLinda

[in disgust as the crew refuses to search further for her love, Tang] I hate you; I hate all of you!

Joel

Jeez, don't say hi then!

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ADAdmiral David King

Mr. Scott, make an entry in the ship's log. [Servo begins grumbling] ... to the third planet of the Solaris system. As this planet was heretofore unknown... [Joel begins grumbling] ... from this day forward, the third planet of the Solaris system will be known as the blue planet. We designate it planet... Earth.

Joel

Earth?!

CCrow

Oh, come on, who made you God?

[in disbelief] Oh, man evolved from Tang, right. We better get outta here, we'd better go.

Joel

That means my great great grandmother was really, really hot!

CCrow

Was she? You got a picture?