Joel Robinson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Good thing about the movie: we got to meet an entire family of mutants!

Joel

[chuckles] OK...and a bad thing?

They were all so stupid, they tried to commit inconspicuous acts of murder on the most conspicuous day of a woman's life!

Joel

[impressed] You, my friend, get a RAM chip!

No dancing, not allowed.

Joel

This is just like Footloose.

No rats.

Unless they're on the menu.

Not a trace. Not a solitary trace.

Joel

Must be a talent meter.

Let's see... if I were an arm, where would I hide? My sleeve, of course!

[later, to Joel] What's buggin' that hand anyway?

Joel

Oh, he's got a personal vendetta against anyone with a full body.

Joel

Bless you!

Gesundheit.

Joel

You're not supposed to do that...

Humans! Listen to me! Due to an error in calculation, there are still a few of you left.

We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience it may have caused you.

Joel

Isn't it kind of weird? It's like, there's a guy in a gorilla suit, and there's-- he's got a robot head, and inside he's got kind of a bunch of clay… I mean, I've seen Dali paintings that make more sense than this movie does.

Servo

Yeah, but I think there's a fine line between surrealism and costume-shop closeouts.

To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man!

Me-man?

Yes. [distressed] To be like the hu-man! To laugh… feel… want… Why are these things not in The Plan?!

You are an extension of the Ro-Men, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One -- destroy the girl. Two -- destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy you.

Uh, what's number three? Do I get a choice?

Do not violate ape law!

[roleplaying as the Great Guidance to Servo] Why not have you yet killed the Hu-Man (Joel)?

Servo

Because he gives me crunchy treats, and he empties my lode-pan.

But he is Hu-Man, and unfit to live!

Servo

But he has a cute butt, and he can drive a stick.

Nevertheless, he- wait a minute, he can drive a stick? N-Nevertheless, he is Hu-Man; YOU are Ro-Man!

Joel

Hey Crow, Servo. What's up?

Servo

Your number, I'm afraid! I must kill you, Mr. Bond; I must kill you now- [Joel hits Servo with a collapsible chair in self-defense] Whoa!

Joel; what happened?

Joel

(It was) Servo, his reason circuits must've blown out. He tried to kill me!

No, we were just doing a little role-playing!

We believe these truths to be evident- and obvious.

Servo

Please give to the United Robot College Fund!

Joel

Because an internal hard drive is a terrible thing to waste. Think about it, won't you? [addresses Dr. Forrester and Ernhardt] What do you think, sirs?

Could I've sent a crazier guy into space? What in the name of Jules Bergman was that?!

Do you think [Joel]'s had enough up there? I think he snapped.

Genius waits for no one!

But stupidity hammers on deserted buildings.

I… I've never seen anything like it!

Servo

Even in Tijuana!

Joel

Lookit -- they're all on their way to a George Romero film festival!

Look at this. Blonde hair.

Servo

Yeah, you can usually find a blonde hair in a field of wheat.

At night.

Joel

In a fog.

[during the Invention Exchange, holding a mound of cotton candy] We came up with cotton candy that screams when you bite it! [to Dr. Forrester] May I?

Enjoy!

[as Ernhardt bites down] Ow! That's my head! Owwww!

Well, what do you think of that?

Joel

[disgusted] You're toying with God's blueprint; that's what I think!

Joel

[of the fact "The Slime People" ended up getting made at all] The real beauty of this movie is that it actually got made. The guy who made it isn't a fool; he just convinced some people that is was worth making. You know, whether it was a good idea, or it could make money, or it satisfied some bizarre urge in the viewing public.

Servo

Oh, I see; so it's the gullibility of humans that allows things like this to exist!

Joel

I guess you're right.