Joel Robinson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Servo

[in Irish accent] Glen, this is your Father O'Malley. Come back, boy! It's not worth it!

[in old lady voice] Glen, this is your 1st-grade teacher. Don't do it.

Joel

Glen, this is your mother. If you stop, I'll make your favorite dish.

All I know is I just don't want to grow anymore.

I'm a Toys 'R Us kid.

I don't want to grow anymore!

I'm a Toys 'R Us kid!

...And "shiing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us!

Joel

Yeah, well, you're full of skit.

Tom

Srosh-country shee-ing amid skeens of winter magnifishence in Sanada's shnow-sovered playgrounschs.

Many of his listeners won't be able to understand him, and those that do...

...will wish he were dead.

Joel

No, Dr. Erhardt, no! So that's what happened to him!

Servo

Wow.

Enjoy! [N]

Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received.

Kill Colonel Kurtz!

It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers."

And two hard-boiled eggs.

Honk!

Make that three hard-boiled eggs. [N]

Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next?

Joel

Hurting the people you know and love?

Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode?

How green was my valley?

Joel

Not very.

Joel

This script is like a telephone directory!

But not as interesting.

Why don't you boys play Hungry Hungry Hippoes?

Joel

Oh; we lost all the marbles.

Servo

Hey, Magic Voice; don't suppose you know where our Mouse Trap game is, do you?

I didn't play with it last.

[sighs] The pieces are missing anyway.

Well, why don't you read a book?

Joel

[as he and the Bots scoff and protest] Oh, gag me... no way!

Well, I don't know what you're going to do then. It's Commercial Sign in five seconds.

Joel

Maybe we could play some poker.

Poker? What's poker?

[as Joel and the Bots agree on the poker idea] You boys be nice to Gypsy.

Joel

[helping instruct Gypsy through the game, whispering] Gypsy, just tell 'em what you want to do and keep your poker face on.

[I'm] in!

Let's see, what to do...

[cheerfully] Richard Basehart! Richard Basehart!

[disgusted, after seeing Gypsy's hand] Oh, I fold!

Joel

[disappointed] Aw, Gypsy, you wrecked it; you had a great hand!

I've just about had enough [out] of you; smart boy.

[defiantly, pulling out a switch-knife] Oh yeah?! I'm gonna cut you, man. I'm gonna cut ya! I'll carve you a second smile, daddy-o!

I don't think so! [the argument starts devolving into conflicting screaming at each other]

Servo

[up on the Satellite] What in the sam scratch is goin' on down there?

Joel

I dunno, but I don't like it; not one bit.

Joel

What does "A.S.C." mean?

Servo

"A sick cookie".

Joel

Oh.

[singing to the background music in the opening credits]

Knew your father, I did!

Joel

Hey, leave my father out of this!

And your grandfather! And don't be too sure I wasn't in the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Adam!

Servo

Yeah, you were the snake!

When you want to show dignity, Buzz, try a French horn!

Joel

Uh, Mr. B, what would you know about dignity?