Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

How strange. This mirror reflects everything.

Yes, it's a mirror.

Except you!

Bastard! [shatters the mirror]

Servo

Now you'll have seven years of bad suck- uh luck.

You fool, I've been me the whole time!

Mein Gott! [proceeds to cross his heart]

Servo

Spectacles, testicles... testicles... testicles...

Hey, you got your Spirit Halloween store in my Ed Wood movie.

Servo

No, you got your Ed Wood movie in my Spirit Halloween store.

Rooney, you must have grown up in old California with too much sun. Let me ask you a question. Was your daddy rich and your mama good looking?

You're cruising for a court martial, buster boy.

That's buster bro!

I hope he gets his balls shot off.

So say we all.

Well, the stimulator bots have already absorbed the behavior of Jonah's bots within seconds.

Servo

And your point?

That's not gonna be problematic...

I'll tell you what's problematic, your soul's gonna get crushed within seconds!

I'm used to it, I'm on Twitter.

Oh, she can finally clean that fan.

Feast your eyes on this.

Servo

Anything to take our eyes off of that.

That's a Tuscarora!

No, that's a pearl.

It's worth a thousand pesos, maybe more. Where'd you get it?

From a wet scared guy.

Can you fence it?

Fence? Hell, it'll go like wildfire! These are rare, I haven't seen one in years.

There's a lot more where that came from.

Servo

I got a guy shoving sand into oysters as we speak.

I'll supply, you deal, we'll split down the middle.

Splitting it? That's almost like half!

[shaking East Eddie's hand] Put 'er there, pard!

You got it, 'ner!

Eddie, you got money, and I'm a diver. Now all we need's a boat and some good equipment. You can pick 'em up for a song. Just give me a small advance, I can have us moving in a couple of days.

Uh, is she washing him with a chicken cutlet?

Listen, I know where you're coming from, and the idea's out of sight, but I want Vic Mathias in on this. He's an expert diver, he has his own boat, and he knows the islands like the back of his hand.

It's no good, it won't work. If we bring him in, we've got to make it a three-way scene.

So we'll split it three ways!

Ugh, but we're a dynamic duo, not a terrific trio!

No, we don't need him!

I want him! He'll keep us honest.

What are we, crooks?

Eddie, believe me, I know the region better than Mathias. I lived on the islands for five years, I've covered every inch of 'em. We can do it alone! Just tell me where you found them. It's probably an island I used to live on.

[hysterical] You can't live on an island! It's surrounded by WATER! How would you even get there??? HA HA HA!!!

I'm speaking to him in a dialect he can't refuse to understand!

Esperanto.

The truth!

Is East Eddie the bad guy???

And you talk to me in English!

Servo

That's why American tourists are beloved the world over.

[to Syrene] I don't love you.

Okay, Syrene, play it cool. Don't let him know he's hurt you...

She really runs like a mermaid.

Wait. Stop. Come back.

There is still another place.

Where the watermelons grow?

You've been holding out.

It's very deep.

Yeah, but it's got pearls in it, right?

According to the lore of my people, the Rizion Channel has hundreds upon hundreds of pearls.

Boring mythology, but okay.

You've seen them?

No, but others in my village have.

And the fish down there? Totally naked.

What are we waiting for?

You mean, "For what are we waiting?"

It's very dangerous.

Logan invented YOLO? Take that, Drake.

To be fair, this movie makes me want to walk into the ocean, too.

I don't think some of these extras were prepared for how deep this was gonna get.

Servo

No one was.

Ariel's burial.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Fracties! The night where fractions come out to shine.

It's my honor to read the name of the student whom you have chosen as your next student body president. [is given an envelope] Envelope please, thank you. [gives it to the woman next to him]

I can't read.

And the winner is...

La La Land! Oh, not again...

Gage Dobson!

This is Gage Dobson's first win after being nominated for such daydreams as What If I Were a Robot With a Sword For an Arm? and Naked Book Report II.

Okay, and cue the bucket of pigs blood.

I'mma let you finish...

Hey, where are you gonna sleep tonight?

Pal, any place is an improvement over that box. Actually, I was sort of hoping I could bunk down with you.

Ew.

You're gonna have to make your own bed though.

Don't worry about me, Pal. Hammer, nails, I come prepared.

Pontius Pilate sends his regards.

Violence is the answer!

Wasn't football gonna do that anyway? I mean...

You just got en-Gaged! No wait, that's not it... something with Gage.

Gage's understudies.

Alright, break it up. Head for class. Gage, we gotta talk!

You're guilty of manslaughter, bud!