Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

[interrupting the party] Gaaage!

Servo

Garfield!

Dennis!

Malcolm!

Servo

ALLLVIIIN!!!

Cathy was sentenced to twelve years in prison for fraudulent catering charges on Elliot's missing credit card.

Elliot died on the prison farm and was vivisected by the other inmates. No charges have been filed.

Servo

Professor Crookshank was arrested for hijacking and held indefinitely in Guantanamo Bay. He does not expect a trial.

Hang on, main character, but fourth billed? Ouch.

Oh listen, I was curious about-

Servo

Doctor Mordrid, sorcerer supreme, uses his incredible powers to escape awkward small talk.

[as she looks over Mordrid's collection of books] These volumes are amazing.

THANKS! I LIKE "LOUD" THE BEST!

I have to tell you something.

I'm pregnant.

Show you something, so that you'll comprehend the magnitude of why I cannot be held here any longer.

Through the medium of dance.

Everything we say is being recorded.

We're live on Twitch. Thanks to Donkey Dan for the three month sub.

I can't believe Doctor Mordrid was a Christmas movie the whole time!

Well, okay, but it wasn't though.

Servo

But there was a Christmas tree in it.

Well a Christmas tree doesn't make it a Christmas movie. 101 Dalmatians has a Christmas tree in it.

Well, what if it takes place on Christmas, and has a Christmas tree in it?

Servo

Like Die Hard.

Okay, it doesn't matter. Look at the release date. Die Hard came out July 15th, 1988. It's a summer blockbuster, not a Christmas movie.

Servo

How do you know when Die Hard came out?

I have this discussion a lot.

So if it came out at any point other than the Christmas season, it's not a Christmas movie?

That's right.

Servo

What about Nightmare Before Christmas?

Well, released October 13th, obviously a Halloween movie.

Elf?

Well, released November 7th, an early Thanksgiving parable about found families and sugar consumption.

Servo

It's a Wonderful Life?

While, actually released on January 7th, it's a New Year's morality play about the evils of forgetfulness.

Servo

So according to Newton's third law of motion, any movie that comes out in the Christmas season is a Christmas movie?

Me and Newton are on the same page there.

Then Titanic is a Christmas movie!

Yep. And I'll die on this hill, and if the hill comes out in late December, I'll call it a Christmas hill.

...I am about to use this thing for scrap. We need something that'll stay on more than ten minutes at a time.

Those things still cost money, right?

Thing's older than I am.

Still works harder.

Says the drunk guy.

As I keep saying, I would happily work hard at the job I thought I was hired for.

Well I thought I needed a jaded barista.

We settled this. You're lucky I even hired you.

It helped that I was the only applicant.

Joel

Ooh, another LinkedIn success story.

Now what can I do for you miss...

Fontaine. Delilah Fontaine.

Miss Fontaine.

Call me Lilah.

So, Karen...

Leslie...

Sandy...

Any relation to Charles Fontaine?

He's my father.

Let me stop you there.

Tony.

I don't do missing persons.

I think you'll find this particular case to be of interest.

Look lady, as much as I'd like to help you, I can't find your old man. It doesn't matter how many zeroes you put on the check.

Because Nick don't do math.

You really don't have to do this, Nick. I can get a hotel room.

I do this for all my clients.

Yes, I see them under your bed.

Well, you know. All my attractive, single clients.

Oh, I get it. You're a pig!

What are you going to do?

I just ate 14 dumplings. What do you think?

What's The Stranger planning?

Joel

Stranger Things?

Well, he has the dagger, so use your imagination.

Hmmm... dragons.

That's all I know. Now can I go?

Sure, do you need your parking validated?

[after Nick startles her] I'm starting to see why you're single.

Pretty cool, huh?

[surprised] ... Wow.

Servo

Yeah, a real, live woman.

Pretty niiice!

Servo

I guess we're watching Gamera's acting reel now?

Has Gamera been in other movies?

Oh yeah, Gamera's been in a lot of movies. Gamera vs. Guiron, Gamera vs. Gyaos, Gamera vs. Barugon, Gamera vs. The Bridges of Madison County, and Gamera vs. Kramer vs. Kramer.

Wow, I didn't realize that Gamera was such a versatile performer.

Oh, totally.

Servo

Yeah, he's like the Meryl Streep of giant turtle actors. He's not afraid to do intimate character work.

Yeah, that's what I like about him.

[about a miniature submarine] Will it really dive, or is this model a toy?

No, it's a real miniature submarine. But the trouble is, it's too real, and goes too far down.

Like my serotonin.

[singing] Gamera flies like a plane! He likes pleasure mixed with pain! Never kink shame Gamera!