Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

[as officers inspect their boat] I guess you want to see our licenses again? You've seen it every day this week.

But this time, it's different.

It's my birthday.

You can say that again.

It's my birthday.

This time we got the jackpot.

We caught us a money shark! Check it out!

[holding up a catch of fish] Eh?

Servo

Finding Nemo my ass, right. We caught the sucker and his whole crummy family!

Servo

Whoa, he almost landed on Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed!

It's especially humiliating because he had so much dignity in the first place.

I should have stayed a 98-pound weakling.

Curse this final form!

Where have you two been?

In the shower.

Ish that shupposhed to be shome kind of euphemishm?

[playing backgammon] I was showing Gabrielle some basic moves.

Servo

Lathering, rinsing, repeating...

Looks to me more like you're trying to keep them a secret. Leaving blots at this particular stage of the game, my dear, can be a very reckless proposition. Unless, of course, one knows how to turn them to one's own advantage.

Maybe I should take a lesson from you.

In the shower?

Here, you two play. Go ahead.

In the shower? Tom, you take the next one.

No no, leave them just as they are. I'll pick up where she left off.

Servo

In the SHOWER???

[utilizing a model wooden cutout model of the film's characters] Okay boys, we need to figure out a way to get them over here, using only this.

Servo

Jonah, are we really doing an Apollo 13 bit? It's 23 years old.

We don't have time for questions! Irritating lives are on the line!

It's like a logic puzzle where you cross a river with a fox, a chicken, and a bag of grain.

Servo

Why not just leave the fox? Is there any situation where you'd need a fox?

My point is, it's all about the order you do things in! You can't just send Kate and Paul, 'cause they'll just run away with the jewels.

Servo

Hmm, and you can't send Paul with Lasky because they'll just fight.

Lasky and Gabrielle get along too well. Halfway to shore, spontaneous shower.

Exactly.

Servo

And we're not even ready to address the Ollie conundrum.

And they can't all fit on the raft, unless... they are the raft!

Servo

Ohhh!

Ann and Gabrielle are the oars!

Kate's hair is the sail!

Servo

Lasky is the floor, Paul's the steering wheel!

Exactly! And Ollie...

Guys, we all knew Ollie wasn't making it out of this.

Servo

Yeah.

Yeah that's a good point...

[as Ollie bleeds in the water] Hey, Kool-Aid!

Take my hand, Ollie!

I can't!

Curse this delicious honey-barbecue flavored blood of mine!

Who wants Kool-Aid? Did you guys do that one already?

Servo

Yeah, we did.

Okay, I'll be right over here.

You think this blood could buy us enough time to get down to that raft?

[chuckling] That's all we've got. Let's try it.

Hey, you're not really gonna go into that water, are you?

Servo

Oh, sorry! That was me! Left my Stouffer's lasagna in the oven too long.

Somebody call for a Stouffer's lasagna?

No, but thanks, Growler.

Well, if it's all the same to you, I'm gonna go over there, lay this thing across my torso, and pretend I suffered a bear attack. Goodbye.

What?

My brother-in-law took down a 12-point buck last winter, so I made this blood sausage. Anybody want some?

Oh, you're disgusting!

Servo

That's just gross! Come on.

Come on Growler!

Okay, suit yourself. I'll be over here.

At this point, I'm just stress-eating!

Servo

Kids, this is what happens if you fall in during the Jungle Cruise at Universal Studios.

Why hasn't David Blaine tried this?

Servo

Remind me again, how much Keeffe is in this movie?

Oh hush.

[being wheeled away by a group of women] Mr. West!

Hey, wait a minute!

But we have to surgery.

Feet in the stirrups, come on buddy.

Look ladies. My blue cross is all paid up.

Sorry, but this is out of network.

And then there were nun! [the nun slowly looks into the camera with an evil smile] Ha. Get it?

Servo

[dressed as Sir Anthony] Well old chaps, let's go over this bally mission one last time, what what?

Huh?

[dressed as Medika] It's simple. HMG and the CIA need you to get the VIP from the USA in his BMW to the HMV near the BBC with his DB at an ETA of 9:00 AM GMT.

Huh?

Greenwich Mean Time!

Servo

Jolly good, and I've arranged for the VP of HMV to arrive in a GMC supplied by MI5 ASAP with a 4k HDTV tuned to HGTV with a soundtrack by the Bee Gees.

Huh?!

Pay attention! This all has to go like clockwork!

Servo

Yes yes, the CW. So anyway, FYI...

Oh, I know that one! For your information.

Don't be ridiculous! That's Federal Yellowdress Informant. She'll meet the BMW at the UN with the USMC, BTO, CCR, and UB40 while you ROTFL on AOL, then BRB so we can TTYL.

Talk to you later.

Correct!

Ah! Then why'd you- oh you...

Servo

Precisely. Oklahoma University. So you see, the MC5 will approach the NSA VIP with their new CD on the QT, in the MI5 BMW at the VW and OMG, IRL, IMO, BTW, LOL, BRB. ABC NBC CBS AMC TNT CMA GMO ASPCA UCLA YMCA ICUP, OK?

Yeah, what do you say to that?

Uh, OWGMS.

Huh?

What's that thing?

It's for mommy's headaches.

Erno, are his clothes packed?

Yes, my lady.

Oh dear, I hope you were careful with that blue suit. It creases so.

Burn the suit.

And take care of his bill.

Yes, I wouldn't like to have an unpaid hotel bill on my conscience.

Keep joking, Mr. West.

Please don't.

You will be finished with jokes before the night is out.

Us too.

I was beginning to run out of material anyway.

Agreed.

I don't get it. Why aren't I making out right now? I'm Frankie Avalon! Is the universe playing a joke on me?

Sham-wow!

Well, what'd you have in mind?

Well, to prove to you I have no concealed weapons... [reveals herself to Tommy Carter, who smiles]

It's about damn time. I'm Frankie Avalon!

Bang!

[translating a sign] Dr. Cesar Sepulveda, nuclear physicist.

Servo

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