[first lines]
Dwayne, don't yank my chain.
DDwayne
Look, I told you, I haven't seen him.
He's your cousin, he's your best friend.
DDwayne
Yeah, and I don't know where he is!
Dwayne, do I look like an idiot to you?
DDwayne
Yeah, you sort of do. [Stottlemeyer raises an eyebrow]
Lt. Randall DisherOh, that's a mistake... you don't want to make him angry. I made him angry once, and you don't want to do that... [Brian Babbage drives up, and repeatedly rams his car into Stottlemeyer's vehicle. As soon as he pulls up ahead of the hood of the car, he lowers the window and says]
BBBrian Babbage
Hey, cop! Kiss my ass! [Brian gives them the finger, then floors on the gas pedal]
[to his suspect] Don't move! [Dwayne takes off as Stottlemeyer and Disher jump into their car and prepare to chase Brian]
Lt. Randall Disher
Can I be honest with you, sir? [Stottlemeyer activates the dashboard light and grabs his radio]
[into radio] All units, clear the air, we're in pursuit of a hit-and-run. He's eastbound on Union.
Lt. Randall Disher
[excited] This is my first car chase! I've been waiting for this my whole life! [A pickup truck immediately T-bones Brian's car and sends it crashing into another vehicle. Stottlemeyer nonchalantly unbuckles his seatbelt and turns off the dashboard light]
Chase over. What'd you think? [Randy looks at the wreckage, dumbstruck]
[The four convene at Amanda Babbage's house]
Adrian Monk, old buddy, old pal, old chum.
“Old buddy”? What have you done with the real Captain Stottlemeyer?
Mail bomb. An ounce and a half of plastique with a magnesium charge.
Lt. Randall Disher
There were two triggers: a chemical detonator wired to the wrapping, and a motion detector--so when you opened it and moved it, "boom".
Lt. Randall Disher
Crude and unpredictable, actually.
Amanda Babbage, thirty-five years old. She lived here alone.
It was a lot nicer two hours ago.
[notices the ATF agents] The Feds are here?
Yes, up the wazoo -- Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. They're in charge, and they're not shy about saying so. Monk, if you can make me look good here, I would really appreciate it. I'd love to show these bastards up. Wouldn't hurt our careers either.
[Monk has inspected the knots Ricky has used to tie down his surfboard]
You are. Marion the Librarian.
So, it's like a put-down.
Yup. It's a derogatory remark, Monk. What do you see?
[on Ricky] Oh, he's not the guy. He definitely knew his sister lived here. He was at a barbecue here two weeks ago.
But the package was mailed to the old address.
Right, and he said he tied the surfboard to the room himself. Look at these knots. They're a mess. Crude, tangled, but the knot we saw inside on the bomb, was a work of art.
Are barking up the wrong tree. You said there was another brother.
Yeah, Brian, but he's a dead end.
Lt. Randall Disher
Or practically dead.
Lt. Randall Disher
The guy's in a coma.
We saw it happen. Four months ago, he got t-boned by a pickup truck. Cracked his skull. It was really unnecessary. The guy just baited me and Randy and--and stepped on the gas.
Lt. Randall Disher
It was my first car chase.
That didn't count. The guy didn't go half a block. You didn't get the car in gear!
Lt. Randall Disher
It counted.
It wasn't a chase, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher
We ran to the car.
Anyway, uh…four months ago. So, he wouldn't have known that his sister had moved.
Lt. Randall Disher
[to Sharona] It counted.
[Agent Grooms kicks Stottlemeyer out of the interrogation room]
I just got kicked out of my own interrogation room.
Lt. Randall Disher
You want some coffee, sir?
No, Randy. What I want is for that A.T.F. CREEP to eat crow!
Well, we know who did it, and we know why. We just don't know how.
Monk, again, he's in a coma.
In twenty seconds, Agent Grooms is gonna come walking through that door, and he's gonna ask me what I think. Give me something else, for the love of God.
Lt. Randall Disher
Okay, wait. I have an idea. Maybe he had an accomplice.
Yes, somebody else mailed the damn thing. Why not?
I already had that idea. Tell him.
There was no accomplice. Why would Brian Babbage hire one? He didn't know he was gonna be in a coma.
It's not exactly something you can plan.
All right. Anyway, why would an accomplice bother to go through with it? There was no reason to. The guy who hired him was in a coma.
All right, so... Brian built the bomb, and then Brian mailed the bomb, by himself.
[admiringly] You gotta admit -- it's a pretty good alibi. It's rock solid!
Monk, I have known 15,000 criminals in my lifetime. Here's what they all have in common: THEY'RE CONSCIOUS!
Is your shrink coming back soon?
[Agent Grooms comes out of the interrogation room, having finished questioning Ricky Babbage]
Captain. Sorry about in there, I, uh, work better one on one.
All right. So, how's it look?
He's bending not breaking. I'll get him. About to write up my case report, uh, I'm gonna list him as my primary. I'll need you to sign off on that. Right? Be easier to get an indictment if we're all on the same page.
I'm thinking… [glances at Monk] Maybe it's the other brother.
Well, there's only one other brother, and... he's in a coma.
That's the one. I think, uh, I think we should look into him.
[Stottlemeyer takes another glance at Monk, who is showing support]
He's a vegetable, Captain.
Don't you think that eliminates him as a suspect? I mean, I'm just…curious. How do you think he did it?
We're still working on that.
Yeah. Well, good luck with that, Captain. Uh, keep me informed.
[Monk and Sharona have narrowly survived a bomb blast]
Okay, they pieced together enough of the package to get a postmark. It was mailed from Pacific Heights three days ago.
Lt. Randall Disher
Different post office, same type of explosive.
[yelling] Well, don't use that bathroom, it's a mess!
[still yelling] Why are you whispering?!
That assistant, she called you.
Yeah, I gave her your name. I figured you'd collect a nice payday after you convinced her she was crazy.
Actually, I think she might be on to something.
We'd like to look at the official file.
Look, there is no D'Souza case. It was an accident. The barbell slipped, crushed his trachea.
Lt. Randall Disher
He was alone in his apartment on the thirty-fifth floor.
Lt. Randall Disher
There was only one way up. It was a private elevator. Nobody else used it.
The apartment was locked from the inside.
Are you gonna be cooperating on this or not?
If you two wanna go tilting at windmills, be my guests. But this time, Monk, you're on your own.
Okay, forget it. Let's go. What's our first stop?
Sapphire Mansion. We have an appointment. [This gets Randy's attention]
Lt. Randall Disher
Sapphire Mansion? You have an appointment?
Yes. Elliot D'Souza controlled that magazine. He was about to pull the plug on Dexter Larsen. I think Larsen might be involved.
Lt. Randall Disher
Saphhire Mansion. I've never been. Have you ever been?
Yeah, I told her. In therapy, we were playing the honesty game.
Lt. Randall Disher
Red Roof Inn?
Yup. This was before they built the new lobby.
Lt. Randall Disher
You know, Captain. I think Monk might be on to something. Maybe we should tag along.
Lieutenant, I think you might be right.
Hey, I'm married. I'm not dead.
Lt. Randall Disher
Captain! [hands a file to Stottlemeyer] Washington just sent this down. It's a prelim psych profile. [Stottlemeyer holds the file to his forehead]
Let me guess: the killer is between 30 and 45 years old, white male, does not work in an office, probably spent time in the military, and definitely hates his mother. [hands the file back to Disher]
Lt. Randall Disher
How did you know that?
'Cause that's what they always say, Lieutenant. That's scrap paper.
[Monk solves a murder in France, just by reading the newspaper]
Listen to this: this is "News from Around the World," Paris, France. There is an unsolved murder; a woman was found strangled, and both of her hands were cut off.
Lt. Randall Disher
That happens all the time: no fingerprints. Makes it harder to ID the body.
Now here's the thing: they found the hands. They were a couple of meters away from the body in the grass.
The killer cut off both hands, but then left them near the body?
Yeah. She and her husband both worked as curators at the prison museum in the Bastille.
[cuts to a Paris police prefecture. A police lieutenant comes into his captain's office]
LLLieutenant Lafitte
[in French] Captain Dupres, there is a detective calling from America. He has solved the murder of Madame Beaudreau.
DCaptain Dupres
[in French] He solved it?
LLLieutenant Lafitte
[in French] By reading a newspaper, from 9,000 kilometers away! [Dupres sighs and picks up the phone]
DCaptain Dupres
Captain Dupres, Prefecture de Police. [cuts to Monk's apartment]
Bonjour. Je m'appelle Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. Je travaille avec le department de police de San Francisco. Uhhhh, parlez vous English? ["Hello, my name is Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. I work for the department of police of San Francisco. Do you speak English"]
DCaptain Dupres
I speak enough. What can I do for you?
Uh, hi, I've got a friend. His name is Adrian Monk.
[into the phone] Bonjour.
He has a theory about an unsolved case of yours. Here, I'll put him on. [hands the phone to Monk] He speaks English well enough. [Monk wipes down the phone, pressing several of the other buttons]
Yes, yse, hello. I think I know who killed Madame Beaudreau.
DCaptain Dupres
[skeptically] Oui, Monsieur Monk, what is your theory?
I think her husband did it.
DCaptain Dupres
Well, we suspected him from the beginning. But why did he cut off her hands?
He must have used a pair of handcuffs from the museum to restrain her.
DCaptain Dupres
I do not follow you.
They were antique handcuffs, very distinctive, so they could easily have been traced back to him.
DCaptain Dupres
Mon Dieu...
He must have lost the key. So he was desperate, he had to get them off the body.
DCaptain Dupres
Well, that makes sense! Lafitte, why didn't I think of that? Monsieur Monk, you are a genius! Perhaps someday, you will come to Paris so I can thank you in person.
[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at a body shop to arrest a businessman named Malcolm Cowley for a hit-and-run death]
MCMalcolm Cowley
Is there a problem?
I was reading about you in the newspaper. [Shows the copy of the paper to Cowley] That's you, isn't it? "It Just Wasn't His Day." It says here that you had two accidents in the course of ten minutes: first you hit a little tree, and then you drove another half a mile and hit a lamppost.
MCMalcolm Cowley
That's right. Is that a crime?
Uh, yeah, it is if you were intentionally damaging your car so you wouldn't have to explain a smashed-in grille. See, Mr. Monk found this other article. [turns to a front page article] "Hit-and-Run Driver Kills a Grandmother." Same neighborhood. Same approximate time. We thought there might be a connection.
Lt. Randall Disher
[looking at Cowley's car's headlights] Captain. Blood.
Turn around. Put your hands on the car. [Cowley complies and Stottlemeyer handcuffs him] You sir, are under arrest, for vehicular manslaughter, leaving the scene of a crime, and for the murder of Nestor Alvarez. Come with me. [He starts to lead Cowley away]
What? Monk, we've got him dead to rights.
He is guilty of the hit-and-run, but he didn't kill the paperboy. He didn't know who I was. There is something else in this newspaper, something I'm missing. [He drops the newspaper, disgusted, realizing that he has accidentally wiped his hands with a garage rag, smearing them with oil.] Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!
[Disher walks into Stottlemeyer's office while Stottlemeyer does work on his laptop]
Lt. Randall Disher
Captain, I have a thought. [Stottlemeyer doesn't look up, and waves his fingers] About paperboy. [Stottlemeyer continues gesturing with his fingers]
Lt. Randall Disher
It was a burglary; the paperboy interrupted a B&E in progress. It fits: there were five break-ins on that block last year alone.
[stands up] Nope. I already looked into that. All of those break-ins were hot prowlers - forced entry with a crowbar.
Lt. Randall Disher
Right.
Our guy was empty-handed.
Lt. Randall Disher
What about a car thief?
Well, that doesn't explain the taking of the newspapers, doesn't it? [He puts on his overcoat]
Lt. Randall Disher
Right. So we're back to Monk's theory?
I'm afraid so. [shows Randy the door] And this means "we're leaving".
[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher are at the scene of the store clerk's death]
The M.E. is saying two and a half, three hours. He worked as the night manager at the Stop 'n Go on Ridgedale.
Oh my God, we were just there! That's where we bought the newspaper. [to Randy] Along with your letter in it to me.
Lt. Randall Disher
It wasn't to you!
His shift ended at 4:00 AM, he came here to make the night deposit. He got jumped by the killer, stabbed twice: once in the neck, once in the stomach, with that bottle. [Monk looks at the remains of the bottle that Vicki Salinas used as the murder weapon]
Lt. Randall Disher
Nothing yet.
Lt. Randall Disher
Negative. It's over by the ATM, facing the wrong way. It didn't see a thing. [Stottlemeyer turns to Monk]
Now what I can't get over, is that we haven't had a homicide in this neighborhood for over four years, all of a sudden we've got two: first your newspaper boy, killed for a newspaper, and now this robbery.
But the killer took the money.
The killer wants us to think robbery. But why wouldn't he do it in a more secluded spot? He could have killed him anywhere between here and the store.
Lt. Randall Disher
Well maybe the killer just waited for him here by the bank.
No. No, the killer had to have followed the victim from the store. [points at the bottle] Cream soda bottle. You can't find that brand anywhere else.
Well how do you know the victim wasn't drinking it? He worked at the Stop 'n Go.
That's true. [Sharona examines the bottle]
It's a woman. There's lipstick on the bottle. [Monk and Stottlemeyer squat and see some lipstick towards the bottom of the bottle]
She's stronger and smarter than you.
[an old woman, actually Randy wearing a wig and some makeup, walks up to Monk and Sharona at the homeless shelter's serving counter]
[sees through the disguise] What are you supposed to be?
Lt. Randall Disher
I'm undercover. I'm homeless.
What's that on your face?
Lt. Randall Disher
Dirt.
[to Monk] Give the lady some gravy. [Monk does so]
Okay, we've got two short hours until this phone call. Are we ready?
PTPhone Technician
Well we're all set, Captain. We've got two tape recorders and we've got the phone company online for an immediate track and trace.
PTPhone Technician
Well, if it's a landline, we've got 'em. If it's a cell phone...
PTPhone Technician
...we'll need 45 seconds.
[Julie Parlo finds Stottlemeyer]
JPJulie Parlo
Excuse me, Captain Stottlemeyer?
JPJulie Parlo
Hi, I'm Julie Parlo. Uh, where is the FBI? This is a kidnapping. I happen to be a lawyer, so I know that in a kidnapping situation the FBI has jurisprudence.
Lt. Randall Disher
That's only true if your grandmother's been taken across the state lines-
Or if she's been held for more than 24 hours. And I think you meant to say "jurisdiction." What kind of lawyer are you?
Monk · 667 quotes
