“Mr. Monk and the 12th Man” · Season 2, Episode 9
In this episode: Captain Leland Stottlemeyer (6), Sharona Fleming (4), Adrian Monk (2), Lt. Disher (2), Lt. Randall Disher (1)
You come back anytime, Mr. Babcock. You good customer, 'cause you don't complain.
Ma'am, he just killed eleven people.
Twelve. Let's not forget about the first Mrs. Babcock, who I'll bet is buried under that new porch.
Yeah, well... he still good customer. Not crazy like that Mr. Monk over there.
[Monk and Sharona talk to handyman Ian Agnew about his lawsuit against the Babcocks]
Thank you for seeing us.
Oh, I don't mind. I don't get many visitors. So what can I do for you?
Mr. Agnew, we were wondering about your accident.
Please, sit down. [he appears to have a rather sudden pained reaction, possibly from the pipe]
[concerned] Ian, I used to be a nurse. Is there anything I can do?
No, thank you. Comes and goes. It's the pipe. [points to the protruding piece of metal pipe] I have a piece of pipe in my head. [pauses] I don't get many visitors! Please sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit!...
Sir, about your accident.
Ah, the accident. I really don't remember much about it. We were building a cabana near the pool for the Babcocks. And I was working on the roof and there was a tile loose. And the next thing I knew, I woke up and I was a human smokestack. [laughs] I'll get it! [picks up the phone] Hello! Hello! Must be the wrong number. [to Monk and Sharona] HOW'S THAT COFFEE? [turns to an empty spot on the floor] BAD DOG!
[He turns back to Monk and Sharona]
I haven't worked since.
Huh. How did you get the job?
Mrs. Babcock hired me. Although by the time I had started, she wasn't there anymore. They split up, she ran off, I never got the full story. I dealt mostly with her husband, Stew. I'll get it. [He picks up the phone again, about to talk to another imaginary caller] You know, I just changed my phone number, and it doesn't seem to help. I don't get many visitors!
Did you go to the trial?
I testified.
Did you spend any time with the jury?
No, ma'am. I wish I had. I wanted to thank them, they were very generous. I don't get many visitors! [singing] Daisy, Daisy, tell me your answer true! [turns back to the empty spot on the floor] BAD DOG! [then back to Monk and Sharona]
You know what I think I miss the most? [points to the pipe] Not having this pipe in my head. I have to take this. [picks up the phone again]
Hello. Hello.
[to Monk] I believe you're not the craziest man in the world.
[talking to the imaginary caller] How did you get this number?
We'll let ourselves out.
Tell me who this is right now! [Monk and Sharona walk out] Well I don't believe that for a minute!
[about Kenny Shale] You called him a weasel.
No, I didn't.
Yeah, you did. Three weeks ago.
I never said "weasel." I said he was a... "woof." Oh, yeah, I said "weasel." I called him a weasel, but you see, that's not a bad thing. I had a weasel. A weasel is a noble animal, all right? It's a term of endearment. [to a passing cop] Jerry, hey, how are you doing, you weasel? Good to see you! [turns back to Sharona] See, I call everybody a weasel.
Captain! [hands a file to Stottlemeyer] Washington just sent this down. It's a prelim psych profile. [Stottlemeyer holds the file to his forehead]
Let me guess: the killer is between 30 and 45 years old, white male, does not work in an office, probably spent time in the military, and definitely hates his mother. [hands the file back to Disher]
How did you know that?
'Cause that's what they always say, Lieutenant. That's scrap paper.
[Monk and Sharona have arrived at the toll plaza]
Handcuffed?
Handcuffed to one wrist and tied to seventy-feet of rope.
Ugh, God!
And then he was dragged west seven-tenths of a mile. I just saw the body. Or what’s left of it.
Oh, God.
The M.E. said he’s never seen anything like it. There’s no end to it.
What do you mean?
I mean, this is number nine. Nine bizarre murders in the past two weeks. Every time my beeper goes off, my heart skips a beat.
Are they connected?
No. No connection at all. I mean, four have been men, five women, all different ages. Latino, white, black.
And the M.O.’s?
' All different. There’s been a couple of shootings, different weapons, a hit-and-run, a drowning, an electrocution. I mean, it’s, it’s like a full moon every night!
And you’re sure that the cases have absolutely nothing in common?
Well, they have one thing in common, Monk. We can’t solve them. I swear, there’s something in the water.
[Noticing that the officers have all gathered around Sharona] Hey! Hey, guys. What is this, a high school dance? Give the girl some room. Let her breathe. [Sharona comes over] Come here. I want to talk to you. I understand that you are seeing Kenny Shale.
Oh, it’s nothing serious.
Yes, it is. I wanna tell you something, Sharona. Your life is about to change. Everybody you know is gonna want a piece of you. You’re not gonna know who to trust. Monk can’t help you with this, all right?
Mmm-hmm.
He’s, he’s brilliant, but he’s Monk. He’s lost in Monkland.
Mmm-hmm.
Now, I’ve been where you are. I’ve been in the spotlight. And, well here. I want you to take that. [Hands Sharona a card]
What is it?
That’s my cell phone number, okay? You call me 24/7 if you need anything. Yeah, I just don’t want to see you get hurt.
Oh, thanks a lot. Thanks.
Yeah. Oh, I was thinking, um, maybe we could get together, do a double date kind of thing. Me and Karen, you and Kenny? I’ve always liked Kenny. Kenny, he’s—he’s a good guy. He’s good people.
You called him a weasel!
No, I didn't.
Yeah, you did. Three weeks ago.
I never said "weasel." I said he was a... "woof." Oh, yeah, I said "weasel." I called him a weasel, but you see, that's not a bad thing. I had a weasel. A weasel is a noble animal, all right? It's a term of endearment. [To a passing cop] Jerry! Hey, how are you doing, you weasel? Good to see you! [Turns back to Sharona] See, I call everybody a weasel.
Captain! [Hands a file to Stottlemeyer] Washington just sent this down. It's a prelim psych profile. [Stottlemeyer puts the file folder to his forehead]
Let me guess: the killer is between 30 and 45 years old, white male, does not work in an office, probably spent time in the military, and definitely hates his mother. [Hands the file back to Randy]
How did you know that?
'Cause that's what they always say. That's scrap paper. [Monk is looking at a board of victims' photos] What about the ten dollar bills? Anything on them?
They’re from a bank in San Mateo, Wells Fargo, untraceable.
Of course they are. [Addresses the other detectives] All right, everybody, listen up! Listen up! We’re not gonna find him flailing in the dark. Let’s communicate, keep each other briefed. We’re going dumpster diving. We’re gonna- [stops as he notices Randy putting up a sheet of paper on the crime board]
What are you doing? What is that?
I’m leaving a space for the next victim.
Take that down. Take it down! [Randy does so] There is no "next victim". We’re stopping the son of a bitch at ten.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
