“Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny” · Season 2, Episode 13
In this episode: Adrian Monk (4), Sharona Fleming (4), Captain Leland Stottlemeyer (3), Lt. Randall Disher (3)
[Stottlemeyer and Monk are interrogating Ron Abrash, a suspect in a kidnapping.]
You look familiar, Ronnie. Didn't I see you last week at the opera?
What have you been smokin', man?
I've been smokin' THE TRUTH, MAN!
What, are you guys playing? "Good cop, crazy cop?"
So you're denying any involvement in the kidnapping of Mrs. Parlo?
Of course I deny it! Demanding free turkey dinners? That's insane. Besides, I'm a vegan.
And--and it was raining.
Are you sure? It wasn't raining all last week.
Listen, missy. I think I know what rain feels like. And that's what I felt when they carried me from the van into the house.
Okay, cool. It'll be the three of us. We can do good cop, bad cop, worse cop.
Randy, it's a two-man job. Just wait here.
Okay. I'll just wait here and--
Weep openly.
--do some paperwork.
While you weep openly.
[Monk is trying to get a man at a homeless shelter to have gravy, because everyone else is.]
Adrian, he doesn't want any gravy!
Let the man speak for himself.
I don't want any gravy!
[Monk approaches the homeless man that didn't want gravy]
Here, it is!
I told you, I didn't want any!
Didn't you just ask for gravy?
Are you serious?
Oh. Well, here it is.
I told you, I don't want it.
Okay, how about this. You have some gravy...
And?
That's it.
[an old woman, actually Randy wearing a wig and some makeup, walks up to Monk and Sharona at the homeless shelter's serving counter]
Oh my God!
[sees through the disguise] What are you supposed to be?
I'm undercover. I'm homeless.
What's that on your face?
Dirt.
[to Monk] Give the lady some gravy. [Monk does so]
Okay, we've got two short hours until this phone call. Are we ready?
Well we're all set, Captain. We've got two tape recorders and we've got the phone company online for an immediate track and trace.
How long do we need?
Well, if it's a landline, we've got 'em. If it's a cell phone...
Which it will be.
...we'll need 45 seconds.
[Julie Parlo finds Stottlemeyer]
Excuse me, Captain Stottlemeyer?
Hi, I'm Julie Parlo. Uh, where is the FBI? This is a kidnapping. I happen to be a lawyer, so I know that in a kidnapping situation the FBI has jurisprudence.
That's only true if your grandmother's been taken across the state lines-
Or if she's been held for more than 24 hours. And I think you meant to say "jurisdiction." What kind of lawyer are you?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
