Lt. Randall Disher quotes from Monk

Sharona Fleming

Have you been drinking?

Lt. Randall Disher

Yes, I have. I couldn't think of any other way to get all this Scotch into my body.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

I hate this.

Lt. Randall Disher

Why don't you stay back, sir? I can handle this.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Oh, you can? Since when? [Sharona opens the door]

Sharona Fleming

Hey.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Sharona, we need to talk.

Sharona Fleming

About what?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

I think you know. [They walk into the house, which looks like it has been hit by an earthquake] What happened here? Did you have a party?

Sharona Fleming

It's Benjy. He never picks anything up.

Lt. Randall Disher

Sharona, where's Darwin?

Sharona Fleming

What are you talking about?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

We're gonna find him. Is he here?

Sharona Fleming

Hey, would you put that away?! This is my house!

Lt. Randall Disher

He's killed before.

Sharona Fleming

No he hasn't!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Sharona, we know that you took him. Now either you tell us where he is or I'm going to have to take you in. That is the law.

Lt. Randall Disher

[walks back out of the living room, speaking into his walkie-talkie] Living room secure, heading to the kitchen.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Randy, you don't have to use the walkie-talkie. I'm ten feet away.

Lt. Randall Disher

Roger that.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

[notices some vomit on a wall, and a lot of crooked pictures] Hey, what happened here?

Sharona Fleming

Benjy threw up.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

[incredulously] On the wall?

Sharona Fleming

It was pretty awful.

Lt. Randall Disher

[heads into the kitchen, and opens the closet, which swings open to reveal a stuffed teddy bear] Monkey! Monkey! Monkey! False alarm! False alarm!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Sharona, you were seen. The animal shelter has a surveillance camera. It recorded your car's license plate number as you drove away.

Gene, what are you doing up there?

What am I doing? I am checking the auxillary generator.

Well there's a reporter looking for you.

Well you're the company mouth. You talk to them. It's not my job. [spots Monk tapping one of the gauges on an instrument panel] Excuse me! Uh, do you see the sign? [Monk notices the "DO NOT TOUCH" sign over the gauge]

Adrian Monk

Ah, no problem. I got it. [He straightens it a few centimeters. Michelle chuckles]

I've been dying to do that for six months. [Stottlemeyer and Disher return]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Hey Monk, we've got the prelim on the explosives. [Monk joins them to examine the remnants of the bomb] We think... four to five pounds of a high density plastique with a magnesium charge. It was detonated with an egg timer.

Adrian Monk

You mentioned the letters. Is that the letter?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Yeah, three pages, taped to the back door outside. [Monk looks over Randy's shoulder to see the note]

Lt. Randall Disher

Yeah it's a basic environmental laundry list: solar power, fossil fuels, Saudi Arabia, "it's the only planet we have."

Adrian Monk

[reading] "We are free men... unshacked by your barborous laws." I know that phrase. I've heard that before. "Unshackled." "Barborous laws." [He thinks for a few seconds] Ten years ago, that exact same phrase was in a letter, written by a guy named Winston... No yes, Winston Brenner. Trudy wrote an article about him.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

I remember that guy. He was a serious radicalist in Boston. He blew up a recruiting station; a couple of soldiers got killed.

Lt. Randall Disher

Looks like he just came out of retirement.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Let's check him out.

Lt. Randall Disher

Captain! [Stottlemeyer walks back out to Randy's desk] Monk was right. And you're right too sir, about Monk being right. Check this out. Good work.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

What have you got, Randy?

Lt. Randall Disher

[hands a file to Stottlemeyer] Winston Brenner. He was an activist in the 90s. He was indicted in a series of bombings in Boston. Pretty angry individual. [grabs evidence bags with two different notes; he holds up the left one first] Here, look at this. This is the note from the power plant. [holds up the one in his right hand] This one is from 11 years ago. He uses a lot of the same phrases: "The blood I shed today."/"The blood I shed today." "The price of absolute freedom."/"The price of absolute freedom." And check this out. [rotates his desk lamp to show the comparison in the writing sample, also shining the light right into Stottlemeyer's face] The handwriting is identical. This is definitely the guy. The only thing is, is that back then, Brenner didn't really care about the environment. Anti-military was his thing.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Did you read the rest of the file, Randy? [Randy produces surveillance photos]

Lt. Randall Disher

We've got some pictures too. They're blurry, but good.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Read the rest of the file, Randy.

Lt. Randall Disher

Which part?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

The part here where it says that he died: "Deceased, 1995." Blew himself up before the trial.

Lt. Randall Disher

He's dead.

No I'm not being reasonable, I'm sick and tired of being reasonable. I'm not coming down until you agree to build your stupid condos somewhere else!

Sharona Fleming

Did you call Michelle?

Adrian Monk

No.

Sharona Fleming

Did you think about it?

Adrian Monk

No.

Sharona Fleming

Did you think about thinking about it?

Adrian Monk

Sharona, I'm a married man.

Sharona Fleming

Captain, Lieutenant.

Lt. Randall Disher

Sharona, Monk.

Sharona Fleming

What's going on?

Lt. Randall Disher

Tree hugger.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

His name is Alby Drake. He was Winston Brenner's oldest friend; they were roommates at MIT.

Adrian Monk

How long has he been up there?

Ten days. He'll be down soon. The judge will be ordering an eviction notice by tomorrow morning.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

The FBI, in their infinite wisdom, now agrees that Winston Brenner may have faked his own death back in 1995. If Brenner is still alive, [points a bullhorn up at Drake] that scruffy bird up there might still be in contact with him.

Sharona Fleming

How does he go to the bathroom? [Almost immediately, everyone except for Randy steps back]

Sharona Fleming

Are you excited?

Adrian Monk

Yes... if by excited, you mean petrified and full of regret.

Sharona Fleming

"Petrified and full of regret". Welcome to the world of dating.

Adrian Monk

Captain!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Monk. Sharona. I'm sure you've noticed by now that there used to be a big tree standing right over there.

Adrian Monk

What time?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

4:35 AM. A security guard heard somebody start up the bulldozer. Moments later, ch-ch-ch, "Timber!" Drake was dead on impact.

Lt. Randall Disher

He made a phone call though at around midnight.

Adrian Monk

To a payphone, right?

Lt. Randall Disher

You guessed it: Palo Alto.

Sharona Fleming

Oh, well it had to be to Brenner. He's the guy.

Adrian Monk

So not only is Winston Brenner alive and well, he's making sure that his old pals don't rat him out.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

That's right. The FBI's calling at Palo Alto tonight. They want to compare notes; synchronize watches.

Adrian Monk

Ouch, whoa-whoa, I-I can't make it.

Sharona Fleming

He has a date.

Adrian Monk

Lieutenant, these are night-vision goggles! Turn the lights back off, I'll have the advantage! Turn them off!

Lt. Randall Disher

Yeah, we could do that... or we could just arrest him.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

What did the fire marshal have to say?

Lt. Randall Disher

Two points of origin. And the test for artificial accelerant came back negative. Uh, positive. [turns to Karen's camera] Could I--should I go back and do it again?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

No. Now the question is... why would anybody torch a wig factory?

Lt. Randall Disher

Probably the owner, for the insurance. [pause]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Yeah that's an interesting theory, Randy, but um... the guy's dead, right? He died in the fire.

Adrian Monk

Okay, okay. Here's the thing: I can't have anything taped to my chest.

Agent Colmes

Ah, that's fine. Come here, I'll... let me show you this. Ah, you see, these days... [pulls out a piece of paper] We can put a transmitter just about anywhere on the human body. You have six options.

Adrian Monk

Number One... is out. Number Two... uh, you-you wouldn't actually shave me there, would you? [Colmes nods.] Okay... no thank you. Number Three...

Sharona Fleming

What if you had to sit down?

Adrian Monk

Right. Good point. Number Four... [slowly looks up at Colmes, then turns to Sharona] Even if I die, don't let them do Number Four.

Lt. Randall Disher

Number Five.

Adrian Monk

I'll do... okay. I'll do it. I'll try that.

Sharona Fleming

That's only for women!

Lt. Randall Disher

Oh! Right.

Adrian Monk

Oh, yeah. Ah, Number Six... Number Six. I'll... I can do that.

Agent Colmes

Number Six? Great.

Adrian Monk

Not Four.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Hey! I showed them my ID downstairs. I just got to talk to my friend! What, you reaching for your gun? If you're reaching for your gun, you'd better pull it. Stand aside. [to Monk] Monk. [to Colmes] Colmes! Whaddaya think you're doing?!

Agent Colmes

This is a federal operation, Captain. You have no business being here.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Well, neither does he! What's going on?

Sharona Fleming

They want Adrian to go undercover in the Lucarelli family. [Randy looks at a surveillance photo of Sharona speaking with Fat Tony outside Salvatore's restaurant]

Lt. Randall Disher

What's up with this picture of you and Fat Tony?

Sharona Fleming

Nothing! And don't call him that!

Lt. Randall Disher

What? Are you defending him?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Why don't you start by telling them, what happened to the last agent that tried to infiltrate the family? Oh, start by telling them where we found the body buried!

Sharona Fleming

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Buried?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Actually the parts that they found.

Agent Colmes

Okay, that's a different situation. That agent's cover was blown. Monk's been invited in. They already know that he's a cop.

Sharona Fleming

Tired?

Lt. Randall Disher

I was up all night with my girlfriend.

Sharona Fleming

Yeah, those imaginary girlfriends can be pretty wild.

Lt. Randall Disher

She's not imaginary.

Sharona Fleming

[sarcastically] Really? What's her name?

Lt. Randall Disher

Crystal.

Sharona Fleming

[sees box labeled "Crystal Glassware"] What's her last name? Glassware?

Lt. Randall Disher

No, it's Smith.

Sharona Fleming

You have a picture?

Lt. Randall Disher

[Takes picture from wallet, gives picture to Sharona]

Sharona Fleming

Oh, she's pretty. [Turns over picture] Randy, this came with the wallet!

Lt. Randall Disher

Yeah, I know. She's a wallet model.

Sharona Fleming

That's sad.

Lt. Randall Disher

Sharona, she's one of the world's top five wallet models! Thank you very much.

Aw, man!

Hi Dewey. Did you miss me?

[to the undercover cop sitting on the bike] Come on, get off the bike. Arrest me, do whatever you want with me, just don't touch the bike!

You skipped out on your hearing yesterday; made our Captain very very angry.

Well you can tell Stottlemeyer he can kiss my ass.

You can tell him yourself; he'll be here any second.

Come on, you know the routine, put your hands on the car. [Dewey obeys and Cooper tries to handcuff him]

Have you guys got anything better to do?

Get off my bike.

You know I think I'll take it for a ride.

Don't do that, hey. [he tries to move but Cooper restrains him. Stottlemeyer and Disher pull up in their own car]

What is this, a vintage Softtail? 80 incher? I've always wanted to ride one of these.

Lt. Randall Disher

Hey Coop. This guy giving you any trouble? [A gunshot is heard and the driver's window on Stottlemeyer's unit shatters. The cops duck behind the patrol cars, shouting to each other as the driver continues to fire at them and speeds away]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

It's a goldfish.

Adrian Monk

Technically, it's a crimson marblefish.

Lt. Randall Disher

Is it extinct?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

If it was extinct, we wouldn't be looking at it, would we?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Well, does anybody have any ideas?

Lt. Randall Disher

Maybe it swallowed something. Like a diamond!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Does anybody besides Randy have any ideas?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

[to an officer] Get a list of tenants. Start knocking on doors. [Randy comes in, awestruck] Lieutenant, I thought you had the perimeter. [Randy starts pointing at various Sonny Chow movie posters in the living room]

Lt. Randall Disher

Fist of the Cobra, 1975. I've got that same poster in my room. [points at another poster behind the TV] Oh look at this! It's from Ten Fingers of Doom. He broke his arm doing that stunt, but he still finished the scene, though. [squats in front of the TV and finds a VHS tape] Oh my God!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

What?

Lt. Randall Disher

He's got a bootleg copy of Enter the Cobra. Can I have it?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

No you can't have it, Detective! This is a crime scene!

Lt. Randall Disher

Let's watch it. [starts to put it into the VCR, but stops and reconsiders it] Okay. Sir, I have a theory on this: this guy John Ricca. He's published a book on Sonny Chow, right?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Right.

Lt. Randall Disher

Well it was a real hatchet-job, I mean it made the Cobra look terrible.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

The Cobra?

Lt. Randall Disher

Sonny Chow. Maybe we should be looking for a Sonny Chow fan. I mean they all hated the book, and most of them? Pretty nuts. I mean, I've seen the conventions all the time and they were real fanatics. [Monk and Natalie come in and step over the body to join Stottlemeyer and Disher]

Adrian Monk

Captain?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Monk, thank you for coming. [adknowledges Natalie] Miss Teeger. I assume they filled you in downstairs.

Adrian Monk

More or less. How did he enter the building?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

He broke in through a door on the roof around 4:00 AM, but get this: when he left after the murder, he took the elevator down and ran out.

Adrian Monk

He didn't mind being seen?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

No.

Natalie Teeger

Was he really killed with nunchucks?

Lt. Randall Disher

Yeah, check this out. [walks in with an evidence bag containing the death nunchucks] Gold-plated. Look at those insignias. Sonny purchased ones like these in Ninja Fury.

Adrian Monk

The killer left these behind?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Well, they either belonged to the killer or to the victim. I mean, he was writing a book on all this crap. [An officer hands a VHS tape to Stottlemeyer]

Captain, here's the videotape you wanted.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Ah, thank you. [plugs it into the VCR] Elevator B, at... 4:07. Let's have a look. [He presses play. A grainy image of the ninja getting on the elevator is seen]

Natalie Teeger

You can't even see his face!

Lt. Randall Disher

He looks like the Cobra. Sonny wore a uniform just like that in Kung-Fu Assassin.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Sonny Chow is dead. [walks back into the other room, where the medical examiner is standing over Ricca's body] Doctor, give me a good note.

He was clutching some hair. He must have grabbed it off the killer's head. That means we have a shot at some DNA.

Adrian Monk

How could he grab any hair? We just saw the tape. The intruder was wearing a hood.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Well it could have fallen off during the fight.

Because we hit her. The victim wrote you a note. [Under Ricca's right hand is the word "OW," written in blood. Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher all squat to examine it]

Lt. Randall Disher

"OW"? Why would anybody write "OW"? Usually, that's something you'd say. [Monk moves Ricca's arm aside, revealing the whole word: "CHOW"] Oh my God. Chow's alive. Sir, the rumors are true: he's been hiding out overseas just waiting for a time to make a comeback.