[Monk realizes he was conned about a supposed leper]
[Giggles] Was he magically delicious?
[Natalie bursts in, having come back from her date with Dr. Polanski]
NatalieOkay, thanks, I'll talk to you later! Bye! [She immediately runs to the sink and turns on the faucet, drinking directly from the flexible tap] Hotter! I need it hotter!
Natalie
I'm fine! [Gargles]
Natalie
It was great! Sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart, I need you to do me something: I need you to go upstairs and fill the bathtub with Listerine! Go-go-go-go-go! [Soon, Monk and Natalie are speaking simultaneously]
Natalie
I’ve gotta tell you something!
We’ve been duped! Are you ready for this?
Natalie
I’ve been duped! Okay, you’re not gonna believe this!
Natalie
...He’s a leper! Oh God! [Struggles to get a bottle of soap open]
[Monk and Natalie check out the crash scene]
Well this section of the guardrail is new. It must have happened right here. The car was heading west, went off the road here.
Natalie
So you were right, she couldn’t have hit that rock.
[Sighs] It’s hard to tell without seeing the police report. Maybe…maybe the car flipped over! Maybe it spun around.
Natalie
No, I think he did it! I think he killed his parents!
You really don’t like this guy, do you? What did he ever do to you?
Natalie
You really want to know?
No. [Becomes distracted by croaking] What is that noise?
Natalie
Oh, frogs. They live in that pond over there. It’s mating season. They go crazy every year. [A frog hops out of the bushes]
Natalie
Are you afraid of frogs?
I don't know; I've never been this close to one. [A frog hops on his shoe] Yes, the answer is yes. Put frogs on the list. Where's the list?
[Paul leads Natalie away from the other hunters]
All right. Give me the page!
Natalie
What?
My father’s journal! You stole a page, give it to me! [Natalie hands Paul the signout sheet page she took from the garage. He tosses her a hunting vest] Put it on!
Natalie
Why?
There’s gonna be an accident. I told you. It happens all the time.
[Monk runs into Paul's hunting buddies and grabs one of their shotguns]
Natalie
Paul, you just…you can’t do this!
Oh, I can’t? Look up there. See that well? Two weeks ago, I shot my butler, and dropped his body in it! [Pumps the shotgun] You should’ve gone with me to the prom, Natty! [Monk shows up, weapon in hand]
Buchanan! Lower the weapon!
Just lower it! [Fires at the trees, killing a bird]
Well, you’re fired. That goes without saying. [Natalie uses the opportunity to grab the sheet and shotgun from Paul]
Natalie
Mr. Monk, look, his father kept a journal. He came back before he died.
That makes sense. It all makes sense now.
[Monk and Natalie enter the studio]
Natalie
Hi.
Hello, there. Yeah. Who is this?
This is Natalie. She’s my assistant.
I think I need a little assistance.
I think I need some assistance!
Give a little twirl, Natalie.
Natalie
No, thank you.
[As a small sound effect plays on J.J.'s computer] "No, thank you." Okay, she’s feisty! She’s brassy, she’s sassy, she’s got gusto!
Sassy, brassy, but she won’t show her...
I like it! Doing the neck crank. You can’t see it, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, I talked to this guy last night. He wants to talk to me about what happened to Jeanette.
Natalie
Why don’t we talk about that after the show?
You don’t get it, sugarbumps: here is the show. My life is the show. Detective, why don’t you have a seat, please? Somebody give him some headphones, please.
[J.J. hands Monk a set of headphones]
Natalie
Don’t do this!
Natalie
Please be careful.
[Snaps his fingers in Natalie's direction] Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe.
[J.J. records and plays Monk's voice back. Monk wipes down his headset]
Okay, folks, you've got to see this. Uh, first of all, his shirt is buttoned up to his eyeballs, and he’s swabbing out his headphones with a baby wipe.
This is not a baby wipe. This is…this is an adult wipe.
You've gotta know the difference.
Hey, Adrian, let me ask you something. When you go to a crime scene, do you take a police car or a short yellow bus? [Max claps happily with approval]
Natalie
Mr. Monk, you don’t have to answer that.
No, no, I’ll be happy to. I’ll be happy to answer that. Natalie drives me.
Oh, I bet she does. [J.J. plays a sexy woman’s sound. Natalie glares at them, mortified] She’s driving me, baby.
I want to change your tires.
[Monk puts a wipe over his microphone, causing static feedback in the jockeys' headsets]
MJMax, J.J. and Little Willie
Ow! Ow!
JJJ.J. and Little Willie
Ow! Oooh!
This guy’s great. He’s possessed.
[Raises fist] Yo, Adrian!
[The jockeys burst out laughing, until Max signals for them to stop]
Okay, we just lost a third of our audience. All righty, then! So, just for the record, you’re here because of my sister-in-law?
That’s right, Loony Linda, who thinks I murdered my wife. Isn’t that charming?
Adrian, I thought you’d like to know that the last guy who wore those headphones had head lice.
[Monk immediately throws off his headset and runs out of the studio]
Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe!
RMRadio men
Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe!
[Monk grabs Natalie's purse as he leaves]
Natalie
You should be ashamed of yourselves!
I agree, I should be. But I’m not! [She walks out of the booth]
Oh! And there, we’ve got the view. [Natalie turns around to cast a disgusted look at them before closing the door]
There she goes. She gave us a twirl.
Natalie
I do too, at least I hope he is.
Max Hudson, the jerk on the radio?
According to her sister, his wife had recently started taking sleeping pills, 30 milligrams.
Natalie
Which is the maximum dosage.
And it was Max's suggestion.
Natalie
He called the doctor personally to get the prescription!
Here's what happened: Max is out of town, it's a perfect alibi. He knows his wife will be taking those pills, so she's out cold. [In the background, Randy is trying to contain his laughter]
[Glares at Randy] Is something funny?
He knows his wife won't be waking up, so he has one of his guys-
Randy? Do you wanna share it with the rest of the class?
Sorry. I heard you on the show. You really got zung!
Natalie
[Offended] Oh my God, you listen to that creep?!
LDLt. Disher
I think he’s gray... ting. It’s grating.... [starts to stammer] Degrading. Degrading to women. I keep listening, hoping he’ll grow up, but he never does.
[Max Hudson comes home to find the police outside his house and Randy on the front driveway]
What, uh... what’s going on?
Well I could tell you, but Adrian Monk wants to tell you himself. He’s upstairs. After you. [Cuts to Max entering the bedroom, where Monk, Natalie, Linda Riggs, and Stottlemeyer are waiting for him]
Linda? Uh-huh. I don’t know the legal definition of harassment, but this is pretty close. [Stottlemeyer hands Max a paper]
Mr. Hudson, that’s a search warrant. You’ve been duly served.
Ah, sure, okay. Knock yourself out. You’re just embarrass yourselves, again.
It’s over, Max. We know how you did it. We know what you were doing every day at 2:00 PM.
Natalie
You were next door!
That’s right, I was. I was house sitting. I was watering their plants.
Nah, you were training their dog.
We replayed the tape of the show you made the morning your wife died. That was the day you introduced your new catchphrase, “Jangle my tenders.”
LDLt. Disher
“Jiggle me timbers," sir.
LDLt. Disher
You never said it before that day or since. I’m a big fan. Well, I was. Unless you’re not guilty, in which case, we’re all really sorry about all this. Although, I’m pretty sure you’re guilty. But if you’re not, I’m sorry.
Well, it’s easy enough to prove. [Picks up a walkie-talkie and speaks into it] Let’s do it.
[Cuts to a police officer talking to the next door neighbor while carrying a portable radio. He presses play]
[On tape] ...Friday and, by the way, I saw it last night. Jiggle me timbers! [The dog takes off and darts through the dividing hedge]
[On tape] Hey Max, where did you get that? “Jiggle me timbers”…
[Natalie is trying to shoo Marci away]
MMMarci Maven
Look, I really have to see Adrian, it's an emergency!
Natalie
Yeah, that's what you said last year, Marci, but when he got in the car, you locked the door and tried to drive him to Corpus Cristi!
MMMarci Maven
It was Thanksgiving!
It's possible—there's a chance—she's not crazy. I mean, she's crazy, but she might not be wrong.
[Marci trots towards him with her arms spread]
[Shrinking away] Clue hug?
Natalie
Take it like a man.
[Last lines; Marci has sent her box of memorabilia back to Monk. He finds the troll doll]
Oh look, it's you. [Natalie finds the bobbleheads of Monk and Marci]
Natalie
[As Marci] "Oh, Adrian, I adore you! You're so amazing!"
Natalie
[As Monk] "Thank you, Marci. I think you have excellent taste. How would you like to be my new assistant? You can follow me around and worship me all day."
All right, it wasn't like that...
Natalie
[As Marci] "And let's seal the deal with a great big clue hug! Clue hug! Clue hug! Clue hug!"
Cut it out, will you? I know it's you!
Natalie
[Following him out of the room] "Oh, don't go away, I just want a little clue hug! Clue hug, clue hug, clue hug!"
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher have told Arlene Boras about why she killed her roommate]
ABArlene Boras
You don't have any...
Natalie
...Proof? [Shows Peter Magneri's X-ray] Mr. Monk found this. It was behind the toilet.
[Grimaces] Behind your toilet!
[Monk and Natalie tell Randy about their suspicions about Linda Fusco]
Natalie
Randy, what we're about to tell you is absolutely confidential; you cannot repeat it to anybody.
Natalie
What?! No!
I think Linda Fusco killed her partner.
What? I can't believe that. There's no way, Monk.
Natalie
Am I in love with you?!
Monk · 667 quotes
