Natalie Teeger quotes from Monk

Natalie

Maybe she had a jetpack, like in those James Bond movies.

Lt. Disher

There's no such thing as a working jetpack. Don't ask me how I know.

Monk

Randy, do you have any ideas? One of your crazy theories?

Lt. Disher

My crazy theories, like what?

Natalie

Like me being in love with you?

Lt. Disher

Oh, do you think that's crazier than Linda Fusco flying across San Francisco in a jetpack?

Natalie

Too close to call.

Where's Adrian? I thought you two were always together.

Natalie

Oh, he does something every Wednesday.

It's Thursday.

Natalie

And Thursday. You know Mr. Monk, he can't just hang around. He has to go back and check his work.

Monk

[About Natalie's motorcycle] Where did you get that?

Natalie

From a biker friend of mine. I did him a favor once.

Monk

What kind of favor?

Natalie

Do you really want to know?

Monk

No.

Natalie

[About Julie's new relationship] Mr. Monk, would you talk to her?

Monk

What? [Monk is standing on a chair and unscrewing the cover for an air vent]

Natalie

Please! I don't know who else to ask! There's no man in her life!

Monk

[Looks around desperately] What about him? [Points at Mr. Morissey]

Natalie

Mr. Morrisey?

Monk

Kids respect landlords. I think it's the keys.

What is it?

Monk

It's a .22 caliber. Why didn't he bring this gun?

So he had another gun.

Monk

But there's-there's no ammo for a .38 caliber. It's all for this gun. [He puts the gun back] I don't think he had another gun. [Natalie stands on another chair to be at the same height as Monk]

Natalie

Mr. Monk, this is important to me! Julie loves you, you know that. You're like family!

Monk

Natalie, I can't, I-I just can't! Why don't you ask the Captain, or anybody else? When it comes to this particular issue, I am probably the least qualified person in North America...

Natalie

That's what makes you perfect! You waited for Trudy, you were faithful, you respected her! You're a wonderful role model.

Monk

Huh?

Natalie

...In this particular case.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Okay, let's go over it again, from the top.

Lt. Disher

[Reading from his notebook] Okay. Husband, Robert Sherman, owns expensive rug. Intruder's shoes indicate he wiped his feet.

Natalie

Why would a kid breaking and entering bother to wipe his feet?

Monk

Because he wasn't breaking and entering! They knew each other. It was a setup.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Maybe...

[From the corner, handcuffed to a chair] Maybe the kid, the intruder, was planning on stealing the rug, and didn't want to scuff it up.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[Wryly] Thank you.

Anytime.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Maybe he planned on stealing the rug.

Lt. Disher

Okay, what about this? The phone in the bedroom was unplugged.

That doesn't mean anything. I unplug my phone all the time, if I want to sleep, when I'm going to bed...

Capt. Stottlemeyer

She's right. Doesn't mean anything.

Lt. Disher

Well, how about this? The wife's slippers.

Natalie

Right, the husband said she went downstairs because she was cold. If she was cold, why wouldn't she put on her slippers? [Pause, then everyone turns to Rita]

Well, she wasn't really cold. She just said she was cold. She was really going downstairs to... get a bite of that chocolate cake in the refrigerator.

Monk

What chocolate cake?! Who are you?

Lt. Disher

This is Rita DePasque, aka "The Lovely Rita." She's a material witness on a knife fight downtown.

Alleged knife fight. Alleged. I love that word.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

The Lovely Rita has a point, amazingly enough. Any hotshot lawyer could explain away that entire notebook.

Monk

That's true but if you look at the picture, the big picture, I mean, it's plain as day! He's the guy.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Was the wife insured?

Monk

No.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

So where's your motive?

Wake up! [Scoots her chair over] You've got two people, living under the same roof. One of them wants the other one dead. Believe me, I know.

Monk

He didn't love her! I was there when the M.E. wheeled out the wife. All he cared about was the rug.

You're cute.

Monk

No, I'm not.

You ever unbutton that top button?

Monk

Uhh...

Capt. Stottlemeyer

There is one problem with your theory: they never met. We checked their records - their bank records, their emails, their phone records. We talked to their friends - There is no connection between Rob Sherman and Dewey Jordan.

Monk

Look, I know I've seen them someplace.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Where?

Monk

I don't know. Just somewhere. It's driving me crazy.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Well, they lived in different worlds. [Hands them one file] Here's Dewey Jordan's rapsheet - 19 arrests, 12 convictions: bad checks, drugs; a couple of burglaries. [Hands over another file] And in sharp contrast, here is Mr. Sherman's jacket - one arrest - one in his entire life: driving with a suspended license.

Natalie

Wait! What are you doing? [Monk is pouring some ashes from one urn into another]

Monk

It's not even.

Natalie

Mr. Monk, those are people! Maybe they weren't the same size!

Monk

Well they are now!

Natalie Teeger

Mr. Monk, I'm kinda of choosey about who I make out with.

Adrian Monk

What? You made out with a leper!

Natalie Teeger

That's different. You sent him to prison, why don't you make out with him?

Natalie Teeger

Mr. Monk, I don't think he wants your help.

Adrian Monk

How do you know?

Natalie Teeger

Well, the "curl up and die" thing was kind of a hint.

Adrian Monk

[Handing Max a box] All right, Max, this is for you... Ah, it's... it's a little something.

Yeah? Fourteen years of my life in there.

Adrian Monk

No, just mostly caramels.

Natalie Teeger

Pretzel.

Adrian Monk

And a chocolate pretzel.

Monk

[Trying to tell his side of the story] I can be as offensive as your father.

Natalie

I'm sure you can.

Monk

Call the Captain! Tell him to stop the orange truck!

Natalie

Where are you going?!

Monk

I'm going after Santa Claus!

Natalie

[After him] No! Mr. Monk, no! Mr. Monk, are you sure?! I mean, a hundred thousand percent sure?! It's hard on me, too!

The Star Of Bethlehem, a symbol of hope and peace to millions of people around the world, would have been lost to the world forever, had it not been for the courage of one man, former police detective Adrian Monk. Adrian? Brandy Barber, Channel 6 News.

Natalie

Yeah, we remember.

How does it feel to be an American hero?

Monk

He's a... bad Santa. Very bad, bad, Santa. Bad, bad, bad Santa.

Monk

We sure showed him.

Natalie

Yeah, we did. You did great, Boss.

Monk

Oh, God! Did you stop that check?

Natalie

Yeah, I already called the bank.

Monk

We sure showed him.

Natalie

Yeah, we did.

Monk

I'm gonna die, right here.

Natalie

No, you are not!

Monk

You're right. [Stands up and points] I'm gonna die over here. I call this spot. The rest of you can die over there.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

That's it. Monk is no longer the morale officer.

Natalie

It's not her!

Monk

Another Julie Teeger? That's impossible!

Natalie

But this one is totally different; it was an accident. She was a graduate student, she was on her bike, and some guy just hit her and kept on going.

Monk

But her name? Her name is definitely Julie Teeger, spelled the same?

Lt. Disher

You know, actually, these things happen all the time. I once took this course in statistics; there was this woman in Michigan. She won the lottery; the next day, she got bit by a shark.

Monk

And what does that prove?

Lt. Disher

I don't know. I ended up dropping the class.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

What the hell happened? It was only two miles.

Natalie

I took a shortcut. I... cut across the creek.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

There's no bridge across the creek!

Natalie

I know.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

There is no bridge across the creek.

Natalie

Yes, I know.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

There's no bridge across the creek.

Natalie

Captain, I am sorry. I will pay for everything.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

It's okay. It's insured. [Tries once more to get a smudge off the battered hood of the car]

Lt. Disher

Yeah, remember, sir, that you did say any parent would have done the same thing.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Uh-huh. I think I need to be alone.

Natalie

Here. [She bangs the hood down, but it doesn't fit. She and Randy walk away to join Monk by the body]

Lt. Disher

What is it?

Monk

Her bike. She has the all the safety features - flashers, two mirrors. She was obviously very careful.

Natalie

So?

Monk

So what was she doing on the wrong side of the road? [Monk pulls a flower petal wedged into the bike frame, and realizes that it comes from a bush in the grass a few feet away. Walking over, he finds a set of tire tracks]

Lt. Disher

Monk? Check this out. [Monk comes back]

Monk

What is it?

Lt. Disher

It's a bruise. It's square.

Monk

It's from a trailer hitch. [To Natalie and Stottlemeyer] Captain, he chased her across the park. He hit her. And then he backed up to finish her off.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

He backed up?

Monk

He ran her over. This was no random accident.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

We've got two homicides, same name, on the same day.

Monk

Someone is killing Julie Teegers? [Natalie is now horrified]

Natalie

Oh my God!