Natalie Teeger quotes from Monk

Natalie Teeger

Oh my gosh, look! He's separating his food!

Me separating food!

Natalie Teeger

We just got your call. You found a body?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Not quite. There is a two year old boy named Tommy Graser-

Lt. Randall Disher

Uh, not two years. 22 months. Not quite two.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Whatever. Anyway, he was, um, separated from his mother-

Lt. Randall Disher

No, uh, his guardian. She's not actually his mother. She, uh, runs a foster home. For the record.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

For the record, stand over there. [Randy walks a short distance away] Anyway, he was in the playground, and he disappeared for about ten minutes-

Lt. Randall Disher

Uh 14 minutes. [Under Stottlemeyer's watchful glare, Randy takes a few steps back]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

When we found him, the little boy had a severed human finger.

Natalie Teeger

A finger?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

A pinkie. It was still bleeding, freshly severed, uh, probably about four hours ago.

Lt. Randall Disher

Yeah about four hours ago.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

I just said that, Randy!

Are you ready?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Yeah.

It is a left pinkie, belonging to a male Caucasian, about 25 years old. So far, there's no match on the fingerprint. The digit was severed earlier today, we figure around 8:00 AM, with some kind of gardening instrument, like pruning shears.

Natalie Teeger

[disgusted] He cut up a whole body with pruning shears?

Lt. Randall Disher

Nope, maybe they just cut off the fingers, that way when they dump the body later, there'll be no prints.

Adrian Monk

There's a callus.

That's true, we think he might have played guitar. [Monk holds the finger at an angle to approximate where a guitar-player would place it]

Adrian Monk

No, not guitar. It's at the wrong angle: he played the violin. [finds some sticky stuff on the finger] There's some residue. It's sticky.

Lt. Randall Disher

Tree sap. Lumberjack. Missing nine-fingered lumberjack. [starts writing in his notepad]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Who plays the violin.

Lt. Randall Disher

Should I put a list together?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Absolutely! Make sure you don't run out of paper.

It's not tree sap. We already ran it; the main component is abietic acid.

Adrian Monk

Abietic acid? It's violin rosin.

Natalie Teeger

I think that's pretty expensive rosin. It's for professionals.

Adrian Monk

So, professional - or at least, very serious - violinist, 25 years of age, who is missing.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

What's he doing?

Natalie

Flossing. He's determined never to go back to a dentist ever again.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Monk, cut it out. I mean it; this is a floss-free zone.

Monk

Since when?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Since right now!

Natalie

You miss him. I can tell.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Look, Natalie, it's not like we were going steady, okay? We worked together. He was just another cop.

Natalie

That is not true!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

You're right. It's not true. He's not just another cop; he was the single most annoying human being to ever wear a badge! [Monk walks by, gargling noisily] Present company excepted.

Monk

Who is she?

Natalie

No I.D.

Monk

No idea?

Natalie

[A little louder] No I.D.

Monk

No idea?

Natalie

[Louder] No... [points to eye] I... [makes the shape of a "D"] D!

Monk

...No idea?

Disher

No I.D.!

Monk

Why don't you check her identification?

Disher

NO I.D.!

Natalie

[Screams, exasperated] NO I.D.!

Monk

[After long pause] ...No idea?

Natalie Teeger

Mr. Monk, are you okay? Everybody's waiting.

Adrian Monk

It's over there.

Natalie Teeger

What?

Adrian Monk

Dog... you know. Dog... doo.

Natalie Teeger

Did you step in it?

Adrian Monk

[looks at Natalie like she's crazy] If I stepped in it, I'd be in that ambulance right now, on my way to the emergency room, wouldn't I?! Praying for the sweet release that only death can bring!

Marty Eels

Monk, Monk, sit. Sit anywhere.

Adrian Monk

Oh that's okay, I'm not fine.

Marty Eels

[to Natalie] Did he just say he's not fine?

Natalie Teeger

Yes.

Marty Eels

So Captain, am I on the case, or what?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Listen, I need to ask you a couple of questions.

Marty Eels

Sure.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Where were you yesterday morning at eight o'clock?

Marty Eels

You mean when the robbery was happening? Why? Because you can't keep up with me on a crime scene?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Where were you, Marty?

Marty Eels

[pouring them coffee] I was at the hospital. Saint Andrew's. They thought I had a concussion.

Lt. Randall Disher

What happened?

Marty Eels

Well, it's kind of embarrassing. I got hit very hard by a client--hit me very hard. Yeah. I--I was supposed to follow his wife and take pictures. [hands them a file with photos of a terrified man and woman in bed]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Whoa! She was cheating on him.

Marty Eels

No, no. That's him. That's my client.

Natalie Teeger

[incredulously] You burst in and took a picture of a man in bed with his own wife?

Marty Eels

Yes I did. I made a mistake. I'm human! So the bottom line is that I was at the hospital when the jewelry thing was happening. You can call them.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

We will.

Marty Eels

Why is it so hard for you to believe that I'm this good?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Because, Marty, you were never this good before. In fact you sort of sucked.

Natalie Teeger

[looking at an old photo album, specifically, a photo of Jack, Sr. with a turtle] Is that your father?

Ambrose Monk

Oh, that's him and Ambrose.

Natalie Teeger

He named the turtle after you?

Ambrose Monk

He named me after the turtle.

Adrian Monk

Natalie, it's me, Adrian Monk.

Natalie Teeger

Yes, Mr. Monk, we were just talking about you.

Adrian Monk

Natalie, you have to come back here.

Natalie Teeger

I can't right now, Mr. Monk, I'm at the pizzeria talking to the manager.

Adrian Monk

It's Ebola.

Natalie Teeger

Excuse me?

Adrian Monk

I think I have the Ebola virus.

Natalie Teeger

No, Mr. Monk, you do not have the Ebola virus.

Adrian Monk

I'm pretty sure I do, I have all the symptoms, I have the headache, the fever, the massive internal bleeding.

Natalie Teeger

You have massive internal bleeding?

Adrian Monk

Yes, I believe I do, that is my opinion.

Monk

I see letters!

Natalie

It's alphabet soup.

Monk

[to Natalie] They're talking about football. I have that one! Give me the cards.

Natalie

No, Mr. Monk, you don't need the cards.

Monk

Give me the cards.

Monk

Let's see, weather, politics, movies, swear words...

Natalie

Swear words?

Monk

Here's football.

Monk

You guys are talking about the football game last night? The San Francisco 49ers lost 27 points to 21 points.

Yes, we know.

Monk

It was a hell of a fourth quarter, though. It was the turn-overs. They always comeback to haunt you.

Yeah, we were just saying Rattay can't handle the pressure. Why didn't they take him out?

Monk

That's true about quarterback Tim Rattay. But don't forget, he won 4 out of the 5 last home games.

But they were in Houston, Monk.

Monk

You guys want to hear some swear words?

Wine stomping. It's a tradition that goes back thousands of years to the Greeks. We're one of the last wineries in California that at least makes some of their wines using this method.

Adrian Monk

Oh my God! People actually drink that?!

Natalie Teeger

Yeah, I think so.

Adrian Monk

Are they insane?! Ask her if they're insane!

Adrian Monk

I've been drinking that wine for fifteen years! It's foot wine! I can taste it!

Natalie Teeger

Oh, come on, you cannot taste it!

Adrian Monk

I... I... I... can. I can taste the feet now. And the toes. And what's between the toes.

And the fungus. It really is barbaric.

Natalie Teeger

Okay, I didn't see any fungus! Look, I'm sure they have clean feet, there are probably rules about that stuff! [She trails off as the grape stompers walk past them, stepping barefoot across the muddy ground] Okay, I admit it, that's pretty disgusting.