Captain StottlemeyerIt's pretty routine till we get to the punch line. Modine and his date are walking to their car over here. The, uh, perp is over here. Now, the perp pops out with a knife. Modine pulls out his piece, .38 caliber... [off Monk's look] I already called, he's licensed. Bang, bang, bang. Three in the chest.
So, I just have one question: What am I doing here?
Captain Stottlemeyer
Here comes the punch line: Our perp is Sidney Teal.
Captain Stottlemeyer
Take a look. [lifts up the canvas covering the late Sidney Teal] That's what $5 billion looks like.
Get-out-of-town! What in God's name was he doing? [Stottlemeyer puts Teal's false mustache in an evidence bag]
Captain Stottlemeyer
I think maybe, that this is how he got his kicks. I mean, that kind of money can make a person crazy.
Captain Stottlemeyer
Yeah, right. Anyway, that's my theory. If you've got a better one, I'd really like to hear it.
No. No. Captain, we can't start working until we talk about our fee!
Sharona, could you give me a second here? [Sharona walks away] You know, this is insane.
Captain Stottlemeyer
Yeah, it's crazy. It gets crazier. Check this out. [He uncovers Teal's leg] This guy's wearin' knee pads.
Captain Stottlemeyer
Yeah, and he's got elbow pads.
Was he planning on going rollerblading after?
[After Stottlemeyer ruins Monk's night "sleepover" with a wrong accusation, and Monk nevertheless solves the case...]
Stottlemeyer
Hey, Monk!
[Stottlemeyer shuffles uncomfortably for a moment.]
Stottlemeyer
I'm sorry.
You don't have to say that.
Stottlemeyer
Yes, I do. Commissioner is making me.
[Sharona kicks Darryl into the arms of Capt. Stottlemeyer, who grabs him from behind.]
DWDarryl Wright
Son of a bitch!
Stottlemeyer
I'm surprised you can talk with a broken jaw.
DWDarryl Wright
I don't have a broken jaw!
[Stottlemeyer spins him around and belts him.]
[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher are in Stottlemeyer's office]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Close the door. [Randy closes the door] What you are about to see cannot leave this room. The tabloids would pay a million dollars for this videotape. It's from the surveillance camera near the crime scene. [Randy presses play on the tape]
The alley's a dead end. This is the only way in. The side door to the radio station was wired to an alarm, so we know it wasn't opened.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
The bottom line: we can tell for sure who was or was not there. [Monk pretends playing the clarinet] What the hell are you doing? [Monk signals to Stottlemeyer to wait a minute]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Really?
Willie Nelson invited him to sit in with his band.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Well, he may be live from Folsom Prison. Check this out. Go ahead. [Randy presses play on the tape. On the tape, Mrs. Mass pass by the camera as she enters the alleyway, tapping her cane as she feels around] Yeah, there goes Mrs. Mass. Tap, tap, tap. She goes into the alley. Fast-forward. [Randy fast forwards the tape a few minutes; Sonny Cross walks by the camera] And there goes the soon-to-be-late Sonny Cross. [A few seconds after Sonny Cross enters, Willie Nelson runs past the camera] And there goes Willie Nelson. Nobody else goes in or out. Pretty much a slam dunk.
Are you gonna arrest him?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
D.A.'s ready to move. I'm waiting for some tests from the lab. Maybe tomorrow. [turns to Randy] Call your mom. Tell her to set the VCR. We're gonna be on the 6:00 news.
Captain, what about the note on the door?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
My videotape trumps your note. Ask any lawyer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Monk, look. My heroes have been always been cowboys too. It's either "A," the blind woman, who has zero motive, or it's "B," your buddy, the Red-Headed Stranger.
Who had motive, means and opportunity, and was the identified by the only witness at the scene.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
"A" or "B", Monk?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
"C"? What the hell is "C"?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Well, you know how they handled the O.J. case down in Los Angeles? We do the opposite. Where are we?
Uh, same as I told you on the phone, sir. Mrs. Mass is reasonably sure that she can recognize the assailant's voice.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Reasonably sure. [turns to Mrs. Mass] Excuse me, Mrs. Mass? Do you listen to country and western music?
WMWendy Maas
No, I like classical.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Okay. Good. Bring him in.
Sir, are you ready for this?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
What is this? A game show? Can't you just walk in here and say what you have to say?
The droplets on Willie Nelson's jacket: human blood from the victim.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Well, he said that he leaned over the body. Maybe he got the blood on him then.
The lab is 40% sure they're splatter marks from the actual shooting.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
40%?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Well, I think it's not exactly through the hoop, is it?
Okay, the blood is 40%. Videotape?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Forty-eight percent.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Fifteen percent.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Twenty.
Well, that's like 123%. I mean, plus means and opportunity.
[Stottlemeyer sighs]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
All right, bring him in. I have to be crazy. Be plumb out of my mind to arrest Willie Nelson.
[Stottlemeyer comes to the recording studio to arrest Willie Nelson for murder]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Willie Nelson?
JPJody Payne - Band Member #1
I'm Willie Nelson.
BSBee Spears - Band Member #2
I'm Willie Nelson.
MRMickey Raphael - Band Member #3
I'm Willie Nelson.
WNWillie Nelson
Don't think they're goin' for it, boys.
Mr. Nelson, we have a warrant for your arrest for the premeditated murder of Jason "Sonny" Cross.
[Monk has been presumed dead]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
I want a full-dress funeral, white gloves and black armbands, twenty-one gun salute. I want the governor there, and I want the mayor to give a eulogy...
Monk wasn't on active duty, sir. We can't go full-dress...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Adrian Monk is to be buried with honors, or I quit! Let me tell you something, Lieutenant, and I'm not afraid to say this: I loved that man.
[The phone rings]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
[answers] Stottlemeyer... yes. Yes, I understand. [hangs up] Adrian Monk is alive. [And now he has to cancel all his funeral arrangements!] I HATE THAT MAN!
[Stottlemeyer shooes away an officer with mismatched socks]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Ah. Okey-dokey, bad man all gone. He's directing traffic on Ridgewood Avenue.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
No, he didn't understand. I've known you a long time, Adrian, and I don't understand.
Can we just focus on the work now?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
All right. It's 12:30, the place is packed. Everybody's having a good time. Then the perp, dressed in black, comes down the fire escape, and leaps down.
Wait a minute, he leaps down?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Yep. [points] Now the maitre'd is here, trying to call 911 on his cell phone. He confronts the perp, the perp does a spin move... [spins and lifts up his foot; imitating the killer] Hits the phone out of the maitre'd's hand.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
At this point, pulls a gun, fires one round, right through the guy's heart - killshot. [imitates pulling a gun]
From here? What is that, thirty feet?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Thirty-four. I know, that's a hell of a shot. We pulled that slug out of the planter box.
Look at this. [He shows Monk an evidence bag containing the recovered bullet]
[incredulous] What did he use? A cannon?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
That's a .454 from a Ruger Casull.
They use it on safaris, to stop elephants.
[looks at his notes] Uh, his name is Sergei Cluvarias. They're running it now.
Table's set for two. Who was his date?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Some broad. She ran off. We'll have a sketch soon. [Monk looks at the table]
Uh-huh. Where is the sugar?
Sugar? [We see a close up of the empty sugar bowl, with just a trace of unrefined sugar lining it]
The sugar cubes. This bowl's empty. All the other bowls are full.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
You're right. What's that mean?
I don't know. What about the cashier?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
No, showed zero interest. This wasn't about money.
Or it was, and he got scared away. [Monk picks up something off another table with his fingers]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
What's that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Wood shavings?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Randy! [Randy comes back with an evidence bag]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Well, the getaway, which is why you're here. I thought this might be right up your alley.
No pun intended. [Stottlemeyer and Monk shoot a nasty glare at Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Shecky, can I continue? All right. For once, the witnesses are all on the same page: they all saw the perp jump to this table, and then leaped up to this bar [He gestures to show the killer's actions] …and did a somersault, and then over the valet, runs down the street and makes a left turn down the alley.
[Monk looks on]
Is there a circus in town?
A circus? [An officer hands something to Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Ha ha. Circus. That makes a lot of sense. [Randy turns to them]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Yeah?
We just got a positive on the victim. He's the master of ceremony at the Dratch & Denby Traveling Circus.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Master of ceremonies?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
At the circus?
[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher have arrived at the Dratch & Denby Travelling Circus]
Oh, wow! Dratch & Denby Circus. Founded in 1947. They do 400 shows a year in 65 different towns. Cool!
[Monk recoils from a fireblower, but keeps on moving]
[laughs dryly] Payroll, 240 people.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Yeah, and he's using the term "people" very loosely. [a bearded lady and a weight-lifting woman walk past Stottlemeyer. Just then someone bangs into Sharona]
I'm not really in my comfort zone here.
Yes, I have a comfort zone. [He jumps as a woman snake-charmer sticks a python in his face]
I've never seen your comfort zone.
It's not very big. It's, uh... [tries to size it up with his hands]...it's kind of small. I-I don't have a comfort zone.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Well, we follow the gun. There's a Ruger Casull handgun registered to an employee here.
Yeah, his name's Nikolai Petroff. He's, uh, one of the animal trainers.
You go on ahead. We're going to poke around on our own.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
All right. Meet you back here in a bit, but stay out of trouble. [Randy gets side-tracked by one of the carnival stalls where a kid is ready to shoot for a prize with a toy rifle. He asks to try it and Stottlemeyer watches him in disbelief]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Randy! [Randy reluctantly walks away from the midway game]
[Stottlemeyer and Disher find Nikolai Petroff, as he tends to one of the leopards]
NPNikolai Petroff
Who's asking? [Disher flashes his badge]
This shiny little piece of metal's asking. Are you Nikolai Petroff?
NPNikolai Petroff
Are you trying to scare me, huh? This pussycat weighs a couple of hundred pounds. It could rip me apart in a heartbeat! I ain't scared of her. [laughs] You think I'm scared of you? [Stottlemeyer steps in front of Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Excuse me. You may not be scared of the Lieutenant, but you've got plenty of reason to be scared of me, 'cause I got a little cage like that downtown. It's not much bigger than that, actually, and it's not a whole lot friendlier, and if you obstruct my investigation, sir, for one moment further, you're going to spend some time in it. What's your name?
NPNikolai Petroff
Yeah, okay. I'm Nikolai Petroff. Can we make this fast? I have a show in thirty minutes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
You're not going to cancel the show after what happened?
NPNikolai Petroff
Most people around here are celebrating.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Really? I take it Sergei wasn't very well-liked?
NPNikolai Petroff
Not by me. Well, it's no secret. You're going to find out anyway. Until last week, I was with Ariana.
The woman he was with last night.
NPNikolai Petroff
To hell with both of them.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
What is it you do around here?
NPNikolai Petroff
I'm a wrangler. Anton the Great goes into the cage. I watch his back.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
You watch his back, so you've got a gun in case there's a problem.
NPNikolai Petroff
That's right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
And that gun's a .454 Ruger Casull?
NPNikolai Petroff
That's right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Can we see it, please?
[He pulls down the tarp of his case and notice that someone has smashed the lock]
NPNikolai Petroff
What happened?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
You don't know?
NPNikolai Petroff
I swear to God I checked it last night. [He goes for the trunk, but Randy steps in and takes over. He bends down, and with an orchestrated manuever to barely touch the sides to avoid prints, he pops the trunk]
Sir, sir, just step back, please. [The spot for the gun is empty. All that is present is an indentation in the shape of a revolver]
NPNikolai Petroff
Where is it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
I was hoping you could tell me. Phone it in, get S.I.D. down here right away. You, sir, are going to have to find somebody else to feed your kitty cat. You're coming with me.
Monk · 667 quotes
