[Nikolai Petroff is being questioned at the police station]
A leopard and panther wrangler.
Captain Leland StottlemeyerYep, he works with the leopards and the panthers, and he's got a .454 Ruger Casull handgun, which he says he can't find.
He had the hots for the horse trainer the vic was seeing. And get this - he's a trapeze artist wannabe. He's been practicing. They say he's pretty good. [Randy takes a sip of his coffee]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
And that's how we spell primary suspect.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Well, yeah, he works in the circus.
What's that supposed to mean?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
They're freaks. They're all ambidextrous.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Circus people are ambidextrous. I read that somewhere.
I like the ex-wife. You should have seen her. She's cold as ice.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Cold as ice with a broken foot.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
A bad temper with a broken foot.
You keep coming back to the foot!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Monk, the killer did a somersault, and then ran away in front of witnesses.
That's precisely why I think it's her. Why else would the killer jump around like that in front of witnesses? [Sharona suddenly grabs his bottle of Sierra Springs] There's only one reason - to prove... [Monk looks stunned as Sharona takes a big swig from his bottle]...prove that she couldn't. [She places it firmly back in his hand with a loud sigh of satisfaction, then wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. She glares at him]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Are you guys all right?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Okay, as I was saying, she has a broken foot.
It's in a cast. We don't know if it's really broken.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
We haven't exactly been sleeping here, Monk. Lieutenant?
[glances at his notepad] Her story checks out. She broke her left foot two weeks ago in Kansas City. [enter black and white flashback as Randy voices over] She always ended the show with something she called the triple tailspin. [We see Natasia doing her tailspin, but she fails to grab the next performer's legs and falls to the ground] You know, it's her specialty move. Anyway, she, uh, missed the bar or something and fell 25 feet [She hits the ground, writhing in pain, terrifying the crowd], in front of 750 pretty freaked out people.
Ahem. She missed the net?
No, she's a Romani gypsy. They don't believe in doctors. She set the bone herself.
So she never saw a doctor, which means a doctor never saw her. Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
All right, Monk. Lieutenant, see if our Queen of the Sky will consent to an X-ray.
Fine. [walks out of the room, visibly unhappy at Monk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
You're welcome. [Monk offers his bottle of Sierra Springs over to Sharona, who just glares at him]
You want to finish it? [Stottlemeyer walks up to the, and takes the offered bottle Monk is still holding out with a sarcastic face to Sharona]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
You know, when Karen and I were having trouble last year, we went to a marriage counselor, a guy named Mosely. Decent guy. He didn't help us much, but I'm sure Karen has the number if you'd like it.
We're not married, and if we ever get married, shoot me!
You know who you should never marry? The Elephant Man!
I'd marry the Elephant Man before I married you!
[Stottlemeyer notices Randy looking down into one of the air cannons]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
What do you got?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
What exactly does "bingo" mean, Randy?
We got the murder weapon. .454 Ruger Casull. [Stottlemeyer opens the side cabinet to the cannon, as a bewildered Randy looks up at him with his flashlight. In embarrassment he turns it off. The captain reaches in with a handkerchief, grabs the revolver by its trigger, and smells it]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Now, that's been fired recently.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Nope, it's been oiled down. How'd it get in there?
It's the backup cannon. The cannonball guy says anybody could have dropped it in. They haven't used it in a week. [The cannonball man is giving Randy an aggravated look, they being very impatient]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Backup cannon? Good lord! Get that down to ballistics. Put it on the fast track. [He gives the gun to another detective behind him and closes the hatch]
CGCannonball Guy
Excuse me. Are you guys about done?
Sir, could you step back? This is official police business!
CGCannonball Guy
Maybe I should come to your office and root through your stuff! How'd you like that, huh? [Randy just glares angrily off into space as Stottlemeyer walks over to him]
[Monk summarizes the case, and a nearby clown imitates Monk and Stottlemeyer.]
NLNatasia Lovara
Like Tolstoy, you know how to tell a clever story, but you need proof. The elephant isn't talking. Anyone could have put that radio thing in her ear.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Randy, take that thing down to the lab straight away.
[Floppy the clown motions Randy out]
I don't think they'll find any prints. She's too smart. I'm sure she wiped it down... [Natasia looks smug] Then again, that walkie looks brand new, which means she had to put batteries in it. [The smug look fades.] You did remember to wipe your prints off the batteries, didn't you, Natasia?
FCFloppy the Clown
[makes honking sound, mimes drawing a gun with hands] Wocka wocka!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
All right, that's it, freak. You're under arrest! [handcuffs the clown]
FCFloppy the Clown
For what?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
For impersonating an officer!
[Natasia manages to kick Monk in the shins and starts to make her getaway]
Leland Stottlemeyer
Adrian Monk, have you studied the room?
Leland Stottlemeyer
Have you formed an opinion about the cause of Miles Holling's death?
Leland Stottlemeyer
And what is your opinion, Adrian Monk?
He... was murdered. [into Stottlemeyer's cell phone] He was murdered, Karen.
KSKaren Stottlemeyer
I knew it!
Leland Stottlemeyer
Sweetheart? I'm gonna strangle Monk, and then I'll call you right back.
[Monk jumps on top of the dining table to avoid a snake.]
Stottlemeyer
I thought you were afraid of heights.
Snakes trump heights. It goes: germs, needles, milk, death, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators...
Stottlemeyer
Okay, okay -- I don't need the entire list.
Leland Stottlemeyer
You win. I give up.
Leland Stottlemeyer
First thing tomorrow, I am going to call the Vatican, and I am nominating your late wife, Trudy, for sainthood! Because you are IMPOSSIBLE!
The lines! They're all... diagonal! I have to live here!
Leland Stottlemeyer
FORGET ABOUT THE RUG! THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE RUG! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?!? DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? You're the world's best marriage counselor! You could save every marriage in California! All people would have to do is live with you for two days! Two days, and they'd never complain about their spouse again!
[first lines]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Dwayne, don't yank my chain.
DDwayne
Look, I told you, I haven't seen him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
He's your cousin, he's your best friend.
DDwayne
Yeah, and I don't know where he is!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Dwayne, do I look like an idiot to you?
DDwayne
Yeah, you sort of do. [Stottlemeyer raises an eyebrow]
Oh, that's a mistake... you don't want to make him angry. I made him angry once, and you don't want to do that... [Brian Babbage drives up, and repeatedly rams his car into Stottlemeyer's vehicle. As soon as he pulls up ahead of the hood of the car, he lowers the window and says]
BBBrian Babbage
Hey, cop! Kiss my ass! [Brian gives them the finger, then floors on the gas pedal]
Captain Stottlemeyer
[to his suspect] Don't move! [Dwayne takes off as Stottlemeyer and Disher jump into their car and prepare to chase Brian]
Can I be honest with you, sir? [Stottlemeyer activates the dashboard light and grabs his radio]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
[into radio] All units, clear the air, we're in pursuit of a hit-and-run. He's eastbound on Union.
[excited] This is my first car chase! I've been waiting for this my whole life! [A pickup truck immediately T-bones Brian's car and sends it crashing into another vehicle. Stottlemeyer nonchalantly unbuckles his seatbelt and turns off the dashboard light]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Chase over. What'd you think? [Randy looks at the wreckage, dumbstruck]
[The four convene at Amanda Babbage's house]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Adrian Monk, old buddy, old pal, old chum.
“Old buddy”? What have you done with the real Captain Stottlemeyer?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Mail bomb. An ounce and a half of plastique with a magnesium charge.
There were two triggers: a chemical detonator wired to the wrapping, and a motion detector--so when you opened it and moved it, "boom".
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Not hard to make.
Crude and unpredictable, actually.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Amanda Babbage, thirty-five years old. She lived here alone.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
It was a lot nicer two hours ago.
[notices the ATF agents] The Feds are here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Yes, up the wazoo -- Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. They're in charge, and they're not shy about saying so. Monk, if you can make me look good here, I would really appreciate it. I'd love to show these bastards up. Wouldn't hurt our careers either.
[Monk has inspected the knots Ricky has used to tie down his surfboard]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Okeydokey.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
You are. Marion the Librarian.
So, it's like a put-down.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Yup. It's a derogatory remark, Monk. What do you see?
[on Ricky] Oh, he's not the guy. He definitely knew his sister lived here. He was at a barbecue here two weeks ago.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
But the package was mailed to the old address.
Right, and he said he tied the surfboard to the room himself. Look at these knots. They're a mess. Crude, tangled, but the knot we saw inside on the bomb, was a work of art.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
So the feds--
Are barking up the wrong tree. You said there was another brother.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Yeah, Brian, but he's a dead end.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
We saw it happen. Four months ago, he got t-boned by a pickup truck. Cracked his skull. It was really unnecessary. The guy just baited me and Randy and--and stepped on the gas.
It was my first car chase.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
That didn't count. The guy didn't go half a block. You didn't get the car in gear!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
It wasn't a chase, Randy.
Anyway, uh…four months ago. So, he wouldn't have known that his sister had moved.
[Agent Grooms kicks Stottlemeyer out of the interrogation room]
Captain Stottlemeyer
I just got kicked out of my own interrogation room.
You want some coffee, sir?
Captain Stottlemeyer
No, Randy. What I want is for that A.T.F. CREEP to eat crow!
Well, we know who did it, and we know why. We just don't know how.
Captain Stottlemeyer
Monk, again, he's in a coma.
Captain Stottlemeyer
In twenty seconds, Agent Grooms is gonna come walking through that door, and he's gonna ask me what I think. Give me something else, for the love of God.
Okay, wait. I have an idea. Maybe he had an accomplice.
Captain Stottlemeyer
Yes, somebody else mailed the damn thing. Why not?
I already had that idea. Tell him.
There was no accomplice. Why would Brian Babbage hire one? He didn't know he was gonna be in a coma.
It's not exactly something you can plan.
All right. Anyway, why would an accomplice bother to go through with it? There was no reason to. The guy who hired him was in a coma.
Captain Stottlemeyer
All right, so... Brian built the bomb, and then Brian mailed the bomb, by himself.
Captain Stottlemeyer
While he was in a coma.
[admiringly] You gotta admit -- it's a pretty good alibi. It's rock solid!
Captain Stottlemeyer
Monk, I have known 15,000 criminals in my lifetime. Here's what they all have in common: THEY'RE CONSCIOUS!
Stottlemeyer
Is your shrink coming back soon?
[Agent Grooms comes out of the interrogation room, having finished questioning Ricky Babbage]
Captain. Sorry about in there, I, uh, work better one on one.
Captain Stottlemeyer
All right. So, how's it look?
He's bending not breaking. I'll get him. About to write up my case report, uh, I'm gonna list him as my primary. I'll need you to sign off on that. Right? Be easier to get an indictment if we're all on the same page.
Captain Stottlemeyer
I'm thinking… [glances at Monk] Maybe it's the other brother.
Well, there's only one other brother, and... he's in a coma.
Captain Stottlemeyer
That's the one. I think, uh, I think we should look into him.
[Stottlemeyer takes another glance at Monk, who is showing support]
He's a vegetable, Captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer
I know.
Don't you think that eliminates him as a suspect? I mean, I'm just…curious. How do you think he did it?
Captain Stottlemeyer
We're still working on that.
Yeah. Well, good luck with that, Captain. Uh, keep me informed.
[Monk and Sharona have narrowly survived a bomb blast]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Okay, they pieced together enough of the package to get a postmark. It was mailed from Pacific Heights three days ago.
Different post office, same type of explosive.
[yelling] Well, don't use that bathroom, it's a mess!
[still yelling] Why are you whispering?!
Monk · 667 quotes
