[In Barbara McFarland's apartment, the coroner's assistants put the sheet over the body]
[To Stottlemeyer] Same M.O. - strangled from the front.
Capt. StottlemeyerWhat about the door?
No forced entry. He either talked his way in, or she knew him. [Natalie comes in from another room carrying a head shot of the victim]
Well, another actress: some local theater and some commercials.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Looks like he took it. [Randy starts writing on his notepad]
"Lipstick Killer." "Lipstick Assassin." "Mr. Lipstick." I've always wanted to name one of these guys.
If you can name them, you can catch them.
[Stottlemeyer calls out instructions to a search party]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Okay, listen up! You know the situation. We've got a missing woman. Her name is Sally Larkin. Her husband is suspect #1. Now Mr. Lar... [Disher swings his jacket and it hits Stottlemeyer on the back] ...kin owns this house right here and these seven acres. And we are going to search that seven acres, thoroughly. Let's go.
[Natalie and a newly hypnotized Monk park on the bridge]
Mr. Monk, it's pretty high up. You might want to stay in the car.
[Getting out of the car and walking over to the bridge railing] It's such a nice day. It would be fun to run around.
Ah! There's the Captain! Come on. [Stottlemeyer is calling out more instructions to the search team]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Terrain's a little rough out there so try to stay in formation! Eyes forward and down!
We're looking for anything unusual! Signs of a struggle! Freshly dug dirt! Articles of clothing!
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Any questions?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
[Confused] What do we win?
[Waiting in the foyer of Aaron Larkin's house, Disher passes out pieces of gum]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
What is this? [Turns the wrapper over to read the label] Disher Mint?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
You made the gum?
Yeah, from a kit. I got it online. In my basement, I'm experimenting with a bunch of new flavors right now. Guess what this one is.
No. No, it's Diet Blueberry. [Stottlemeyer starts coughing and spits out his gum, which lands on one of the floor vents] Too much citric acid?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Oh hell! Where'd it go? [He bends down onto the floor to find his runaway gum]
[Stottlemeyer muses about his health when he finds Monk and Natalie in his office]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Got five doctors, and they haven't got a clue. They got me on three different medications. I've tried everything. Even this crap. [He motions towards a bottle of a health drink]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
I don't know. It's some kind of organic hippie concoction from Hell. My aunt sent me a whole carton full of it. [He takes a sip out of the bottle, and gags a little bit]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Oh, it tastes like chalk.
[Reads the label on the bottle] Chalk extract...
[Promising Berry that she'll find his bike] Mr. Monk here is probably the best detective on Earth.
DBProfessor Dean Berry
He is?
Yes sir, and I know lots of other detectives. [Captain Stottlemeyer and Lieutenant Disher enter the lab, along with several uniformed cops]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
San Francisco Police Department. What's going on?
You said it was an emergency.
[To Stottlemeyer] Somebody stole his bike.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
And?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
And?
[Stottlemeyer and Disher interrogate John Kuramoto's cousin about his whereabouts]
You don't know where he is? Well, you're staying at his house, Vince.
VKVince Kuramoto
Hey, man. I'm just crashing at his place for a few days. He's my cousin. Do you know where all your cousins are?
Where do you think he is, Vince?
VKVince Kuramoto
[Loudly and clearly into the microphone, emphasizing every word] I. Don't. Know. [Hits the tape recorder's microphone with his hand. Stottlemeyer casually puts it back upright]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Ah. Tough guy, ehh? [Produces an evidence bag containing the recovered bullet] Look at this. See that? That's a bullet! That's a bullet that got dug out of our very dear friend's leg tonight!
That makes your cousin a former cop shooter.
VKVince Kuramoto
Former what?
VKVince Kuramoto
You mean he used to shoot cops?
No. He shot someone who used to be a cop.
VKVince Kuramoto
Why didn't you say that?
I did, it's the same thing.
VKVince Kuramoto
It's not the same thing at all, it's not even close-
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Oh for God's sakes!! What are you two, married or what?! Look, it's not complicated, Vince! If you know where your cousin is and you're not telling us, [Points an accusing finger at Vince] that makes you an accessory after the fact.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
For attempted murder, which is a very very VERY long "goodbye"!! Let me put it this way: your parole officer? He hasn't been born yet.
[Monk surveys the jewelry store robbed by John Keyes the night before]
The killer wore a ski mask, ergo the killer was afraid he'd be recognized, ergo the killer must have worked here recently.
[Writes in his notepad] "Ergo the Killer". Is that Hungarian?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
His name isn't Ergo, Randy.
[Randy has noticed that Togo the Egg-Eating Robot is missing]
I come here every year on my birthday. Sorta like a family tradition.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
When you were a kid. [Randy glares] You meant when you were a kid. Say "yes," Randy.
[John Keyes has taken Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer hostage]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Keyes, you don't wanna do this. You don't want to kill a cop.
Or an ex-cop's assistant.
[Monk and Stottlemeyer are at a tailgate party]
Who are all these people, and where are their parents?
CSCapt. Sottlemeyer
It's a tailgate party, Monk. People get here early, and they start to party and they get all pumped up for the game.
But they're... they're not actually playing in the game.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Well, it doesn't make any sense if you think about it. The trick is not to think about it. You just got to turn your mind off. You do have an "off" switch, right?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Well, here, you can borrow mine. Beer: Nature's off switch.
[Monk learns about the Condors/Wildcats rivalry]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
They're Wildcat fans, Monk. It's a big rivalry.
2R2nd Rowdy Fan
Two years ago they put a bag of bees in my car!
CWChet Walsh
Yeah, then his mom spat on my mom, then we flipped his RV! God, I love football!
Capt. Stottlemeyer
You used to be a fun guy.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Yeah. No, I remember. I remember the time when you graduated, right? We stole that rowboat, you, me, and Trudy. And the Lake Patrol stopped us and you started speaking Spanish! Now, that was funny! That was funny! Where's that guy?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Yes, Trudy died. But you didn't die. You're alive.
[Stottlemeyer and Monk head towards the gates, leaving Disher to brief some cops on David Gitelson's murder]
Oh, hey, tell Bob Costas "Randy Disher says hi".
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Does he know you?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Well, then, wouldn't that just confuse him?
Only one way to find out.
[Monk and Natalie are in Douglas Fendle's hotel room]
[To Natalie] You were right about karma. It is fantastic!
No, Mr. Monk- [Captain Stottlemeyer enters the room]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Monk, Natalie, thanks for coming.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
I was downstairs doing a little Dumpster diving. Can't find the murder weapon. There is a steak knife missing from that service tray. I guess he took it with him. So, whaddaya think? [Monk appears to be holding his breath] You okay? [Monk releases a stifled laugh] Are you happy?
I love my work. Is that a crime?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
No.
[Whispers to Stottlemeyer] I think they knew the guy.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Know what? What, you know this guy? [Gestures towards the body]
[Overlapping Monk's words] No, [we] don't know him; never met him face to face.
Never formally introduced. Sort of.... [Natalie gestures to indicate "following" with her fingers] We've been following him.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
You were following him? I wonder why.
Well, he was seeing a woman, a married woman, and we were following her.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
You were following the woman? I wonder why.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Until you hear different, I wonder why. Wh-what are you doing? You, you doing divorce work now?
He was just doing a favor. He was an old friend of Mr. Monk's.
Wouldn't exactly say he was a friend. More of an acquaintance, actually. He beat me up every week for three years.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
[Points an accusing finger at Monk] And that would explain the stupid grin you have on your face. You think you're getting even.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
So, your pal - you told him about the affair, and you told him that Fendle was going to be here? [Monk makes a gesture that suggests "yes"] Well, I think your friend just made the top of my "To Do" List. What's his name? [Natalie steps in front of Monk]
Actually we can't tell you that. Technically, he's a client so it's privilaged information. We could contact a lawyer or a third party... [Monk cuts her off]
Roderick Brody. 23 Orchard Circle. [Disher starts to write down a name and address in his book] No that "O" looks like an "A". B-R-O-D-Y. Roderick Brody.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Well let's go talk to him.
[They file out, and Monk whispers to Natalie]
[Examining the cadavers of dead tourists] I, uh, talked to a clerk at a hotel. They were staying downtown at the Best Western. He said that they were a pretty quiet couple.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Yeah, they look pretty quiet.
Yeah, but they weren't this quiet. I mean, before last night they were just regular quiet, like, when they checked into the hotel.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Randy, I know what you mean. I was trying to be wry.
Oh, sorry, my bad. Do you want to say it again?
Monk · 667 quotes
