“Mr. Monk's 100th Case” · Season 7
In this episode: Captain Leland Stottlemeyer (4), Lt. Disher (4), Adrian Monk (3), Natalie Teeger (3), James Novak (3)
[About Monk] Uh, yeah, he has some idiosyncrasies...
Like what?
Uh, fear of heights, fear of germs, spiders, milk...
[Ticking off on her fingers] ...crowds, elevators, fire...
Rabbits, tunnels, bridges...
Boats...
Decaffinated coffee...
Lightning...
The wind, he's afraid of the wind.
Egg whites.
Bad.
Naked people. That one is way up there. I think it goes naked people, and then death.
[About Trudy's murder] You didn't leave your house for nearly three years. Your psychiatrist said you'd never work again. Yet here you are, a hundred cases later. What keeps you going?
[Long pause] I can't die until I know.
[Stottlemeyer and Disher are driving to Douglas Thurman's studio to execute a raid]
Do you, uh, have the warrant?
What? You've gotta be kidding! You just had it in your hand! Where is it? [Randy opens the glovebox, and the arrest warrant is behind one of Randy's CDs]
Found it. It was right behind this CD. [Shows it for the cameraman] I-I'm in a band; the Randy Disher Project; we do a sort of a jazz-fusion-punk, kind of a rap, kind of a folk-
Randy, just give him the damn CD!
You guys like music? You're gonna love this. [Randy takes the CD out of the case, and notices something] Whoa. Is that a scratch? You know what, I should probably put it in to see if it works. [He inserts the CD into the car's player, and his song "I Don't Need a Badge" begins to play, much to Stottlemeyer's annoyance, then a SWAT team, all of them armed with Heckler & Koch MP5A3 submachine gun - along with Stottlemeyer and Disher (both of them wearing Kevlar vests and carrying their own weapons) standing outside the photo studio's front door]
Doug Thurman! SFPD! [The first officer breaches the door with a battering ram, and the SWATs enter their room with their guns drawn]
Clear! [They then storm next room] Clear!
[In the main room of the studio, they find an eerie shrine to Cassandre Rank, Barbara McFarland, and Miranda Terhume, Thurman's three victims. Novak's camera zooms in to show that each victim's respective lipstick has been smeared onto their photo]
Captain! [Stottlemeyer comes in]
Is that lipstick? That's good enough.
I guess that clinches it. This guy's definitely the Cosmetic Assassin.
The what?
Cosmetic Assassin. That's what we're calling him.
Capt. Stottlemeyer Maybe you'd like to hear what we're calling you. [Leaves the room]
[In Stottlemeyer's office] That was probably the low point, because we had that creep in handcuffs the day before.
We never should've let him go. But the law's the law: insufficient evidence.
We put out a statewide APB on him.
But we were too late.
[In Barbara McFarland's apartment, the coroner's assistants put the sheet over the body]
[To Stottlemeyer] Same M.O. - strangled from the front.
What about the door?
No forced entry. He either talked his way in, or she knew him. [Natalie comes in from another room carrying a head shot of the victim]
Well, another actress: some local theater and some commercials.
What about her lipstick?
Looks like he took it. [Randy starts writing on his notepad]
"Lipstick Killer." "Lipstick Assassin." "Mr. Lipstick." I've always wanted to name one of these guys.
Why?
If you can name them, you can catch them.
Why?
[Monk and Natalie are driving along a busy road, with Natalie splitting her focus between the road in front of her and the cameraman riding in the backseat]
There's been a breakthrough in the case, it's pretty exciting.
Don't look back! Why are you looking back?
So it turns out both victims worked at the same restaurant. It's one of those themed restaurants; it's called the Morbid Cafe, and the Captain wants Mr. Monk to go talk to the manager.
Okay, could you just pull over? Please, I'm feeling nauseous.
Did I mention he also doesn't like driving?
[Cuts to Monk and Natalie stepping into a restaurant with horror movie decor, followed by Novak's camera crew]
Oh my God, people actually eat here?
Yeah, Julie comes here all the time, she loves it. See all these props? They're from old horror movies.
You should call the Board of Health. [A man wearing vampire makeup steps through one of the curtains]
[Staying in character] Welcome! I have been expecting you! You are from the police department, is that correct?
That's right. I'm Adrian Monk and this is Natalie Teeger.
[Taking Natalie's right hand] Oh Natalie? What a "delicious" name. [He kisses Natalie's right hand]
Adrian Why are you talking like that?
I don't know what you mean, but I see we go to the same tailor! Ooh...!
Mr. Gleckson, we'd like to talk to you about a woman named Cassandre Rank. I believe she used to work here.
Yes... Cassandre Rank. She was a most delectable young girl. I remember drinking her blood; she had the most exquisite taste-
She was killed two days ago. Somebody strangled her. [The manager breaks character]
What? Are-are you serious? Oh my God, you-you must have thought that, look-look you know that this is just a job, right? And this is not real blood; it's all makeup. Oh hell, and that stuff about drinking her blood? Oh crap-
When did she work here?
Uh, about a year ago. But she only worked her for about a month; 'cause she got a part in a play or something and then she split. Nobody stays here that long.
There was another woman, a Barbara McFarland? She worked here too, didn't she?
[Slipping back into character] Yes...! Barbara McFarland, she had a very delectable neck, I'm sure in fact-
She was killed too.
[Breaking character] Oh come on! Why can't you just say that? Now I look like a monster; a real monster; and I'm not! [Stammers] Oh, oh, oh, yeah, I knew her. She was here for three months.
Yeah did they know each other? Barbara and Cassandre?
I don't think so, I don't think they ever met. Cassandre left about a year before Barbara showed up, so-
All right, we're gonna need a list of your employees: everyone who worked here when they did.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
